Post # 1
Ok, yeah, I made this account so I could stay anonymous. Don’t want a family member lurking and saying something before I get a chance to.
FI and I have been together for 4 years now. Everything is good. His mom and I have a decent relationship. Had a riff a few years ago when FI and I moved in together and she “ATTEMPTED” to run my house. The thing is, she’s undercover racist and its really getting on my nerves. Ok, maybe I’m extreme to call her racist, but honey, she’s .27 steps from it. Everything is, “Them white folks this..” and “Them white folks that..” WTF is her problem. When FSIL became friends with a white boy and they had to work on a project together after school, FMIL threw a fit talking about, “You better not be liking that white boy.” (That’s really how she talks. Incorrect English.) I grew up in a mostly black neighborhood, but when I was around 12, my family and I moved to a mixed town. I had friends who were white and black.
Ok here’s why I’m venting.
Disclaimer — I want to apologize in advance if the comments that SHE made offends anyone.
- When I told FMIL and my 2 FSILs that we were going to keep the sex of our future baby a secret until the baby shower, she goes, “There she goes with that white folks stuff again.”
- When I said I wanted to have Gold chargers on the tables, “Don’t nobody do that but white folks, black folks just get their plate and sit down.”
- When I told her that we were having a cocktail hour, “Girl, you are an undercover white girl.”
- When I told her that I planned to pump breast milk until out children where 18 months, “Aight, you gone be like them white folks who breast feed their baby until they are 5.”
- 2 dresses (ceremony and reception), “Like them white folks on tv.”
- No fried fish for the rehearsal dinner, “I guess fish too good for someone from her neighborhood.”
- My best friend is black, but her mother’s grandfather was white, which causes her to have very fair skin. She alway say, “That lil albino friend of yours, that lil white friend of yours.” She knows my friend is black, but she continues to do it.
- Oh, and here’s the kicker, “My grandkids don’t need an epidural to help them come into this world, if you a strong black woman you will be ok.” I told her that I’m getting an epidural and that’s the end of that conversation.
These are only about 25% of some of the stuff that she’s lets escape her mouth. I told FI to talk to her because I refuse to have her offend anyone at our wedding reception and I refuse to have her around my kids with that type of influence. He has attempted to, but it’s fallen on deaf ears. I told him that I was going to cuss her ass out if she does it again. He says its not going to solve anything. He’s right, but it’ll make me feel better. I’ve now made the decision that if she can’t change her ways or at least learn to MUFFLE her mouth, then I’m going to let her know that my kids will not be around her unless I’m there and the first slip up I will stop them from seeing her at all. FI supports my decision, but who wants to tell their mom to shut up or no seeing grandkids. Ok, my vent is over. SMH
Post # 2
Yeesh. I think if I had to listen to that constantly, I’d be less irritated by the racist remarks and more irritated by the fact that she has an opinion on like…everything.
Post # 3
anonymousbridetobe: She sounds like a character out of a Tyler Perry movie.
Post # 4
Asteria777: I’m totally watching a Tyler Perry movie. LOL
Post # 5
anonymousbridetobe: your FI needs to have a serious talk with her letting her know that her constant undermining if your decisions and unsolicated feedback are not acceptable and making you guys question her access to the future grand kids. If she can’t keep her mouth shut and show you some respect, then she’s telling you that her constant badgwring is more important than the happiness of her family and you’ll act accordingly. Then actually do that.
I believe the real issue is that MIL doesn’t like you and the change you represent. It contadicts her and her ideas, and I think she is fearful of them, may seem them as you trying to be better than her.
Post # 6
anonymousbridetobe: She sounds like a female George Jefferson. Honky!
Post # 7
She is a racist. I can’t imagine how frustrating her comments must be. As a white female her words/comments are disgusting.
Post # 8
I’m not sure how old your mother in law is, but my grandparents are also racist. I tell myself that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but maybe you’ll have better luck. I love my grandparents and recognize the different generation (and country) they grew up in.
Does it make it okay? No. But can I change them? No. My kids will definitely see their great grandparents (if they are still alive) because the world is full of a diversity of perspectives that I can’t hide from them. All I can do is equip them to make the best decisions that they can.
There are plenty of things I don’t want my kids to learn but there are plenty of people who still live in ways that I don’t. I wouldn’t want to isolate my partner from his family though nor would I allow myself to be isolated from mine.
Post # 9
Post # 10
- Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery
anonymousbridetobe: Yikes! I agree with one of the PP in thinking that maybe that is just her age talking. It does not make it right in any way, however, when my old dad starts making stupid comments like that, I just roll my eyes at him and ignore it then change the subject. I think a lot of the inappropriate wedding/baby comments could be stopped if you just stop telling her details. She won’t have anything to complain about if she doesn’t know about it!
Post # 11
I totally agree that your FMIL’s comments are inappropriate, but please don’t use your future kids as a bargaining chip with this. If you want to limit your interaction with her, that’s great. Do it now and set your boundaries now. Bringing kids into the middle of this situation is not healthy for any parties involved.
Sit down with your FI and decide where to set your boundaries. Then, try to have a conversation with his mom. Tell her that you both are uncomfortable when she shares her views and that you would rather her not vocalize them around you. If she doesn’t listen, you and your FI can decide if you want to limit your interactions with her and how to do so.
Post # 12
- Wedding: April 2013 - Valparaiso, IN
My mom got my grandma to quit smoking by telling her that we (her grandkids) would not be able to come over if she smiled in the house. It started with her just smoking outside and then she quit. So I definitely think that approach is helpful. Maybe not in every case, but it’s worth a try.
Post # 13
I think you may be sharing too much info with DMIL2B. YOUR breast milk and YOUR epidural are nobodies’ business but your’s and DH’s. If she’s asking too many questions about your wedding, tell her that you want to surprise her.
There are situations that are better risen above, floated over, and ignored. I think she is one of them.
In preparing our very young children for dealing with a very biased (but reall very dear) relative, we explained to them that we had some very strong feelings that were totally different from Uncle Jake’s, and that we expected absolutely NONE of Uncle Jake’s mean feelings to be used in our house, but also taught the children that anything they heard Uncle Jake say could ALWAYS be discussed at home.
In our house, this worked perfectly. The children made friendship decisions based on values, not biases. I’m sure you’ll be able to raise your children the same way, at the same time teaching them that “Uncle Jake” was raised in a different way and that we should feel sorry for his inability to have all kinds of friends, not just friends that came from the same place as he, or are the same color, etc.etc.etc.
Hope your wedding AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH FMIL EXCEEDS your happiest dreams!
By the by, it probably WILL NOT make you feel any better to tell her off, and it may give her added ammo that won’t be any benefit to you anyway. RISE ABOVE!
Post # 14
That is all very unfortunate and it would annoy me if I had to hear it all the time as well. Your FMIL is likely more prejudice than she is racist. Depending on how old she is and where she was originally born and her life experiences with other races, that might explain her feelings, having said that, it is not ok for her to put her prejudices off on others.
Perhaps your future hubby can speak with her and set boudries, if he is not ready to do that then you will have to set some personal ones with her. My father always taught me “you can’t argue with stupid”, so there is no sense in arguing with her, stop the conversation when that behavior starts and just let her know that you will not be entertaining it.. She won’t like it at first but she will eventually have no choice. You defimtely dn’t want tha kind of poision being deposited into your children when they are born.
Post # 15
anonymousbridetobe: Woooooow!! I can’t even imagine. If this were me (after the wedding), I would absolutely limit my contact with her. I couldn’t be around anyone like that, family or not.