FMIL rant…invites, decor and more!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
42472 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

christin5135:  Take a breath.

Sorry, but if your intent is to communicate, I suggest you edit this using paragraphs.

A wall of text is really hard to read.

Post # 4
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

First off I’m sorry to hear about your mom…. Do you think in a way that’s making you a little sensitive around your FMIL? if I was in your position I’d feel exactly the same way and probably react worst. 

I think you are doing the right thing by letting your FI deal with her. Keep communication open so she cant say she never sees or talks to you (and use that as ammo against you) and be super sweet but I would definitely remain firm about wedding plans. She gets a say absolutely but has no right to be upset about your final plans. Personally I think she’s a little too involved and I would distance a bit while seeming to keep her up to date…. I ask my mom and FMIL advice but the only things they came to was for trying on the dress and having lunch at our venue when we had already decided where to have our wedding. I looooove my parents and want to be close to my FFIL but that doesn’t mean they need to have their fingers in everything. They know exactly what is going on and know they can ask/suggest anything but I don’t have to do what they say every time. 

For some people letting them push you around about one thing will just make it worse in the long run (think about your future kids etc) a wedding is just the beginning, stay strong

Post # 5
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry you’re going through this. 

I don’t think you should budge on anymore things when it comes to your wedding. She has made too many decisions already, and you will not come out on top by trying to make her feel better. 

I hope I’m wrong, but it doesn’t sound like this lady is playing with a full deck. If you try to work with her rationally, you’ll likely just drive yourself crazy. 

Continue having your fiancé deal with his mom. Both of you, but mostly your fiancé, will have to start giving firm “No” answers and not budging. Don’t let her awful behavior sway you. You won’t make things easier by trying to appease her. She will most likely cause trouble no matter what you do and no matter how nice you are, so you might as well shut her troublemaking actions down early, ignore all the talking she does, and have the wedding and married life that you actually want. If she sets stuff up behind your back and you find out about it in time to undo it, go ahead and undo it; if she doesn’t need to know about it, don’t tell her. If she gets you something that you don’t actually want to use and even told her you didn’t want, don’t use it. 

Do what you need to do to have the wedding you want and to start your married life off well. If that means she doesn’t get her way or her feelings get hurt, so be it. I know everything I’m saying is easier said than done, but if it cuts off her nonsense enough to allow your wedding to go on how you and your fiancé want it to, it’s worth the effort.  

Post # 7
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

christin5135:  No, no it’s not your fault; not like that. This woman is difficult, apparently, and it’s hard to deal with someone like that, especially when life events like weddings are involved. It’s not always obvious what one is supposed to do in a situation such as this. It makes sense that your fiancé being adopted makes dealing with her trickier. 

If you don’t mind my asking, is your fiancé’s mom Korean as well? I ask only because it might explain some of her behavior. 

Post # 8
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

Oops, I meant to ask: is your fiancé’s mom Korean or from a culture other than the one all of you are currently in? 

Post # 11
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

christin5135:  Ah, ok.

While being from a different culture doesn’t excuse someone’s poor behavior, when it comes to weddings,  births, etc. it could possibly explain what the parents consider their role to be, how things should be done, and stuff like that. If that were the case, the way to go about solving the problem would be a bit different from what I suggested. That’s why I was asking. 

I hope none of this nonsense makes your wedding day anything less than wonderful. 

ETA: Lol that’s pretty funny. 

Post # 12
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

I think that this is where your mother can help.  She may have become blind but she is still your mom.  Ask her to stand by you and help you to fight these battles.  In fact if she feels up to it she could read the riot act to your FMIL.

Her support will be just as important contribution to your wedding as helping you choose a dress would have been.

 

Post # 13
Member
8025 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Ugh I am annoyed for you. Do not budge one more inch, and take some time and space apart from her. Personally, I wouldn’t include her in another damn thing. She can show up to the wedding she mangled liKe every other guest. There is also time to undo things if theyre not to your liking- the guest list is over but the songs and other little details- have at. 

I would also have your FI talk to her if she starts another campaign- “mom you are being really pushy. Were glad you care but you need to chill and let us plan. You’ve bullied to have your way through this entire process- no more” if she throws a fit like a child, let her. Not your problem. 

Post # 14
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

Supersleuth:  Not a good isea at all IMO. To the OP, you and your fiance need to make decisions about your wedding (and, indeed, your life together) and make appropriate boundaries for your FMIL. Your FI is the one who has to take her aside and talk to her lovingly, respectfully and firmly (not read her the riot act.) Then you have to stand united and firm! NEVER is it a good idea to start a life together with anger and resentment. Yes, your FMIL might get mad, resentful, pouty, etc. It doesn’t matter, stand firm as a couple and keep the boundaries clear (ie don’t waffle and waver) but always be kind, generous and loving. Be inclusive if you feel it’s appropriate – if you think it’s OK, you might consider assigning a specific project to her to keep her occupied just on that 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  .
Post # 15
Member
441 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

Based on what you’ve said, it sounds as if this is your FMIL’s pattern of behaviour. This makes it that much more important that you and FI decide on boundaries now and stand firmly together. He is the one that needs to speak to her (and it doesn’t matter at all what she thinks or if your FSIL is supportive or not – the ONLY thing that matters is that you and your FH are in sync and united about your goals and how you will achieve them.) He has to talk to his mother (just as you would be the one talking to your family if the situation were reversed) and set those boundaries now. You know that old saying “start as you mean to go on.” And never allow your behaviour to sink to another’s level because then it becomes a race to the bottom

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