(Closed) FMIL rant – need to vent to calm down!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

i think that you should have a talk with FMIL and tell her all of this. Make sure she knows exactly where she stands, and exactly what you expect from her.

Also try your very best to get FI to understand and trust you on this.

Post # 4
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

wow … this family is really driving you nuts

Id try to grin and bear it for my FI and grandma. Otherwise your probably just going to get huge drama and probably be playing into her “full of hate” theory. Plus you dont need to be there for breakfast everyday and shell probably make some excuses along the way.

Post # 6
Member
136 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@eocenia:  wow, this is a really sucky situation, and i completely understand where you’re coming from, you’re so nice to think of your poor grandma, and i’m glad your FI backs you up.

I wouldn’t see this as advice idk, this is just what i personally would do in your situation. I wouldn’t want her to think i was a pushover, or that she could control me by going behind my back. if FFIL FSIL and FBIL are so nice, i would get them to talk to her? 

Post # 7
Member
652 posts
Busy bee

@eocenia:  oh yeah, it feels like she has something up her sleeve or some hidden agenda, right? 

Well, take it a step at a time. It takes a lot for a person to change, but see what she’s up to? Now your grandma is involved, put your best face forward. Just becareful anything she might say behind your back to your grandma though. 

Post # 8
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I feel you on FMIL drama. I don’t know what it is with mother in laws…

My FMIL is full-blooded Italian and very much used to ruling the “roost”, which consisted of 3 boys. She has been trying to have a say in everything we do in the wedding planning and was really difficult before we went to tour the venue we’re getting married in.

What you need to do is actually sit down with her and iron it out. You may never love her, but at least you two will have an understanding. It need not be forceful but your feelings are so obviously hurt…I would hate to see that put a damper on your wedding. FI does need to handle his mother (I’ve told mine that unless it’s egregious, he handles his mom and I handle mine) and be that buffer for you two.

Let it be known that she is invited, even though you’ve done it. If she shows, she does. If she doesn’t, she doesn’t. I think this is a big miscommunication that can be fixed with time. Maybe not perfect but tolerable.

Post # 9
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

The only option is to tell her you would be delighted to have her so close, and you can’t wait to see her.  She can’t verbally attack you, especially w/grandma there without looking like a horrible person.  I’m sure she’ll make plenty of little digs that aren’t obvious, and the only response is to just smile and be sickeningly sweet back.  Anything you say to her privately WILL be twisted and used against you.  And yes, this is a trap.  She wants you to say no, so that she can point the finger and say that you’re sabotaging the relationship.  She also wants you to say something stupid and snarky so that she can turn that against you as well.  This is a war of family opinion, and the way to win is to be such a kind, sweet and considerate person that no one will ever believe her crazy talk.

Post # 10
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I feel for you–I have the same problem with my FIL.  The thing is, Hubby doesn’t like his dad either, so we both kind of grin and bear him.  In your case, though, it might be beneficial to just let your grandma know what’s actually going on, but that you’d be happy to try to keep the peace by not stopping the lodging arrangements she’s planning.  You’ll be so busy, it will be easy to avoid your FMIL, I promise.  This is YOUR time.  Try to just focus on the good stuff.  If she’s really that bad, people should see right through her.

Post # 13
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@eocenia:  Nope, definitely not alone!

I’ve gotten wonderful advice from a few friends and family members. For someone overbearing and controlling such as a FMIL, the only thing you can do is nod in front of her and then do what’s best for you and your FI. Also, you have a mama. You “answer” to her in the sense that she gave birth to you and she will always have some sort of say. Not your FMIL. She may stress you out, but that’s not your mom and you need not feel obligated to “answer” to her.

I work with the elderly and what I find is that some of them are so extremely stuck in their ways and convinced that people treat them a certain way and don’t wish to veer from that. Some of them are convinced that everyone is trying to “belittle” them, though we give exemplary service to them. You can’t change that, but you can change your approach. Your wedding is a special day for you and FI, not her…don’t let it become about her. Try to accomodate her the best you can, but do not kill yourself doing so. The week leading up the the wedding will be HECTIC, save your energy! Don’t stroke out trying to prove anything to her. You know who you are and do not need to do so. 🙂

I guess this sounds harsh? Haha, I can’t do it any other way.

The topic ‘FMIL rant – need to vent to calm down!’ is closed to new replies.

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