Post # 1
Hello everyone, I’ve been a longtime lurker on these boards but recently a situation has come up in my life and I decided to finally register and get some advice!
I have been with my FI about little over 3 years now, we met in college and recently got engaged after my graduation. I have never had a fabulous relationship with his mother, but we have always gotten along and been friendly with one another. His dad and I get along great an always have; our personalities are very similar.
About 6 months ago, a few months before our engagement, I became VERY sick and was diagnosed with a heart condition that causes me to pass out frequently, and requires me to be on constant medication/strict diet. The heart condition puts me at risk for stroke and heart attack, and I have been told that if I do not monitor it properly it could result in my death. I’m only 25, FI is 28, and I told him that I would understand if it was too much to handle but he is a wonderful man and has stuck with me through all of this and proposed to me after my diagnosis.
My FMIL has told my FI repeatedly to leave me and not to waste his time marrying “such a needy, sick woman.” I am at a loss and truly do not know what to do. My poor FI is emotionally hurt by all of this, and feels as though he’s being forced to choose between myself and his mother. Any tips on what I can do to remedy the situation? Help!
Please forgive any typos, I am writing from my iPhone and it’s being a bit difficult today!
Post # 3
I’m so sorry to hear that, that must hurt you both so much.
Your FI sounds like an amazing man, he obviously loves you. Unfortunately there is not much you can do, if she is determined to see things this way, other than break ties with her and that is going to be very difficult for your FI especially. Keep strong, I’m sorry I can’t offer any particularly helpful advice, perhaps some other bees have been in a similar situation and can help you.
Post # 4
I’m sorry I don’t have any advice, but your FI sounds like and angel for sticking by your side.
Post # 5
@Singerk113: Why don’t you ask her specifically what it is about your illness that makes FMIL so nervous. Tell her that she should not be afraid of your illnes. You are still a human being, after all.
Post # 6
Yes for the good of your heart stay far far away from that women. I understand her bringing up or cautioning her son. But clearly he has made his choice, second she doesn’t have any tact, her behavior is disgusting. I would limit your interactions with her and given her behavior I could see your fi probably wanting to do the same. Keep strong and healthy and think only about heath and wedding at this time. She will get what is coming to her!
Post # 8
I’m sorry to hear this. I don’t support her stance at all, and I’m glad your fiance chose to propose and is planning to marry you. However, I don’t want to view her as a villain either. From her point of view you have a disease that could potentially cause you a premature death and cost money in treatment over time. She is only thinking of her son’s long term well being. Obviously this is not the correct outlook to have at this point. Plenty of people marry others with disabilities and diseases and love them just as much as those without, and there is nothing to be afraid of. Maybe it would help to educate her more on your condition and show how you can and will lead a long and happy life with her son.
I hope that in time she can support your relationship, and that your fiance will continue to stick by you.
Post # 9
Thanks to all of you for your responses. He truly is a wonderful man, I’m certainly blessed that he chose me 🙂
@bearbear1, if I had to hazard a guess I’ve always felt that her fear mostly stems from love for her son, I have often thought myself that it will break his heart if/when something serious happens to me and I can only assume that she worries about the same thing. I have been a little hesitant about bringing up the subject with her, because I don’t think she knows that I’m aware of her feelings. I overheard her say this to him during a phone conversation, and the subsequent times that she’s brought it up to him, it was in person when they were spending time together without me. I have no idea how to even begin that conversation with her without causing to her to be mad at my FI.
Post # 10
I am so, so sorry that your FI’s mom says things like this. I have a serious illness as well, and I also told FI I would understand if it was too much for him when I was diagnosed. He and his family have been completely supportive and I cannot imagine if they made comments like that. My advice would be to keep your distance from his mother because she sounds toxic. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Really, that’s such an awful thing for her to say. Sending big hugs your way.
Post # 11
You know what? Any of us can die at any time. I’m perfectly healthy now, but I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. I could get cancer in 30 years. I don’t think that makes my marriage a waste of time. I believe that we should spend whatever time we have with the person we love. Part of the marriage vow is to stick with that person in sickness and in health. To me, it doesn’t matter if that sickness comes before or after the wedding.
Your FMIL is a cold hearted bitch and clearly doesn’t understand the point of marriage. I hope her husband never gets sick. She’ll probably leave him.
Post # 12
In sickness and in health…
Some relationships break down over something like this, but your FI sounds like a wonderful man who is going to stick by you no matter what. I think your FMIL is speaking out of fear for what her son’s life could be like long term. IMO it sounds like she is ignorant of your condition.
My parents have stuck together for nearly 30 years, through my dad’s illnesses, two bouts of cancer, forced into early retirement because of chronic pain issues and financial strain. I think there was a time where my mum was constantly being told by others to walk away because my dad is “damaged”. She said she’d rather have him sick than not at all.
I personally couldn’t imagine walking away from someone just because they aren’t 100% healthy.
Hugs to you and FI.
Post # 13
I’m so sorry to hear that. My FI was diagnosed with a chronic (but non-fatal) disease earlier this year, and my parents had a similar reaction — they were unsure about us getting married and kept “checking in” with me to make sure that I still wanted to marry him. My advice is to ask FI if the two of you can distance yourselves from his mother for a while. My parents didn’t really stop badgering me about it until I put my foot down (loudly and with a lot of tears!) to them.
I’m sure that her opinion comes from her being afraid that her son will be hurt if you get really sick. Maybe he should tell her that, by her saying these things, she is hurting him more because she isn’t respecting his love for you.
Post # 14
@shadesofviolet: Hearing about your parents’ relationship gives me a big smile on my face 🙂 thank you for sharing, it makes me feel good to hear that there are others in this world as loving as my FI who won’t see the person they love as “less than” because of an illness.
Post # 15
That makes me absolutely sick. How dare she suggest he leave you because of an illness. People blow my mind more and more everyday and I’m so so sorry you’re having to go through this. What if roles were reversed? What if her little boy was ill…I’m sure she would expect you to take care of him for the rest of his life. Thats a shame. What kind of guy would he be if he left you? Grrrr….I suggest you have a chat with her. If she catches a cold, be sure to give her husband the same advice she gave yours!
Post # 16
I’m so sorry you’ve received that response from his mother; it’s really unfortunate how stigmatizing disability/chronic health problems can be. As someone with some serious disability issues, I felt nervous about how my FI’s friends and family would respond to him marrying someone who would always struggle with health issues. Hopefully, as he continues to emphasize how strong your relationship is and awesome you are, it will become clear to his mom that you are so much more than your diagnosis, if that makes sense.