Post # 1
Today is FH 25th birthday and I was planning a dinner tonight for his parents and siblings. I had already asked everyone to come & told them not to bring anything, I would make dinner & cake.
Yesterday FMIL invited us over for supper and when we got there, she had invited the whole extended family for a big (way bigger than mine!) surprise birthday dinner, and big store-bought cake (mine was going to be homemade). After dinner was over, FMIL asked if I still wanted to have supper tonight, since she had already had a birthday supper for him. So tonight it will just be us & his parents, and FMIL’s also bringing leftover cake.
Is it ridiculous that my feelings are hurt? This is FH’s first birthday with me as a fiance, and I was looking forward to doing the wife-y thing and making it special for him, plus I love to cook for crowds! I’m especially bummed about the cake – for some reason I was looking forward to making that the most. I still would like to make one.
I know I need to brush it off, and I will, but does anyone else have these moments with FMIL, where you realize she’s always going to think of him as her baby and might hurt feelings unintentionally?
Post # 3
Did you let your FH know what you were planning so when his mom called him he could back up your decision? It’s important to talk about what you both are planning for each other so that when a parent wants to do something for like a birthday you can both go "oh, Susie is making XYZ. No need to do anything mom/dad". We’ve had to do the same thing here.
Post # 4
Awwww sad! Well it’s distinctly possible that, just as you view this as his first bday as your fiance, his mom is viewing it as the last bday that she will be able to take control of. Immature and stupid, yes, but outside the realm of possibility – definitely not. The way she went about it – by completely sneakily just stealing your birthday dinner for him – was pretty low, though. Does she have a history of that sort of behavior? For your sake I hope not. You should do something just you and your FH, and I’m sure there are ways you can make his night extra special that his mom could never compete with
Post # 5
Sorry that happened! I think it was a little bit inconsiderate on her part. It could definitely be seen as her finding a way to continute to exert control over her child’s birthday. On the other hand, it’s something she’s done for him for his whole life, so I’m sure it’s really hard for her to let go.
In the broad scheme of things, is this going to be a big deal a year from now? 5 years from now? 10 years from now? Probably not…
She’ll adapt over time to the new roles, and hopefully your fiance will be instrumental in setting boundaries where needed…. but I don’t think it’s ridiculous that your feelings were hurt. Just don’t let those hurt feelings affect your relationship with his mom 🙂
Post # 6
@Miss Sapphire – Fh knew about tonight, but we didn’t know last night involved more people than just his parents! We go over there for supper every couple weeks or so, so we thought it was no big deal. I will definitely use the "no need to do anything" though!
@Kittyacki – You’re right she might be thinking its her last chance to be in charge! She hasn’t done stuff like this before, so I think its a fluke.
Post # 7
aww, sorry about that! that is kind of low, but I can kind of see WHY she did it… but that doesn’t make it right at all. I really think guys’ mothers get really competitive with their sons’ fiances/wives… especially when it comes to taking care of them or cooking for them. My hubby was just telling him mom how great my cooking was and she just kind of gave this look and he had to tell her that her cooking will always be so amazing. lol
Not the same level as this, but still, be prepared for that. Anyway, I would say ditch the family idea and just have birthday dinner with some friends and make your cake and dinner like you had planned. Since the family thing was already done, you don’t want to do the same thing (even though she stole it from you). I wouldn’t bring it up to her but maybe make a passive aggressive comment like "no, we don’t have to do the family dinner i was planning since you just surprised us with your own." I feel like sometimes it makes you feel better to say something like that but still be respectful so you get your opinion out 🙂
Post # 8
That was so rude of her!!! Assuming she knew your dinner was for his birthday. I like how she rubbed salt in the wound by suggesting you call off your dinner too, nice.
I say absolutely make the dinner and the cake!! That is such a sweet gesture, your husband is a lucky man! Don’t let yourself worry too much about the FMIL – she will eventually be called out when the time is right. Just focus on your husband and enjoy every second of entertaining!
Post # 9
Well if there hasn’t been a pattern of this kind of behavior in the past then I’d just let it go but just be aware in the future so it doesn’t happen again. I definitely think the "no need to do anything" suggestion is a good one, too. It’s a way to say "back off" while still being perfectly polite.