FMIL still not talking to us – advice needed!

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@UKbee:  I recommend that your FI talk to his mom (and maybe his sister if his mom might listen to her). He should tell her that he will not accept her treating you so poorly. That he loves her and you both really wish they could see you get married. He can say how much he loves you, how happy you make him, and ask if she can just be happy for him. he can say that the two of you want to have your wedding the way you want it to be and ask if theres anything he can do to make that better for your mom, but it’s your wedding so it will be as you two want it to be.  He can tell her that you are his future wife and will be part of his life forever and that he won’t be talking to anybody, including her, if she ignores you and mistreats you.  

The sister (or a relative or family friend that the mom will listen to) could tell the mom that she’s going to risk losing her son if she doesn’t snap out of it and treat you right. (I’ve seen this type of intervention work well for others. A month or so of the mom not getting talked to by her child and her getting warnings from relatives led to her snapping out of it completely- by the time of the wedding, nobody had a clue there was ever any problem). 

Post # 4
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Why don’t you have a local ceremony with immediate family only and then go to Mauritius for your honeymoon?

Post # 6
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@UKbee:  right, my point was that the way to try to get your FIs mom to act right is to have your FI, FSIL, or someone else close to his mom to explain to her that acting like this is risking permanent damage to her relationship w her son, so she either needs to stop or she’ll lose him. I know it seems obvious to you and your FI, but hearing it from another family member or close friend she respects might snap her out of it 

my own situation didn’t work- we tried, but his parents have refused to change their behavior for over 6 mos and now my FI is done w them. 

Post # 7
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@UKbee:  This is your FI’s Mom, so she’s his problem.  I think he should make exactly ONE more effort to reach out to her.  He can call, send an e-mail or go over to her house and tell her he’s sorry she’s upset and he’d like to talk about it.  

If she ignores or refuses, oh well.  Let her know you’re willing to talk when she is and then STOP chasing after her.  

I do want to say that in all honesty, I’m not a fan of couples who choose location over people so I do understand her upset.  She’s going to miss seeing her son get married and that IS hurtful.  But that doesn’t mean she gets to treat you with rudeness or hostility.  

Post # 9
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@UKbee:  First, you’re welcome – I do hope I could help.

Second, I’m not trying to bash or guilt you.  But I somewhat disagree that a wedding is ONLY about two people.  Assuming your FI’s Mom has been a positive in his life (as in, not abusive, not absent, etc…) then I don’t think its unreasonable or selfish for her to want or expect to be able to be there and see her son get married. 

We don’t exist in a bubble.  While I understand that some things are private, a wedding isn’t necessarily one of them.  Most parents dream of the day they will see their own children married.  I’m just saying that while I don’t agree with how your FMIL is acting, I do understand her hurt and upset. 

I was married once before.  Just a courthouse wedding with the two of us.  We later divorced and by the time I met and married my now husband, both my parents were deceased.  They didn’t get to see me get married, my Dad didn’t get to walk me down the aile or dance with me.  My Mom and I didn’t get to go dress shopping together.

I don’t regret much in my life, but I regret that.  Your FI should consider how he may feel in the future. 

Post # 10
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@UKbee:  This post is hilarious because it is so similar to my situation. I summarised your post to my fiancé and he asked if I had written it.

We are getting married in France in 5 weeks. Similar situation – fiancé’s parents could come and my Mum and Sister were unsure. My sister had an ilness and it was unknown whether she would be in hospital – she is my only family member besides my Mum as my Dad has passed away. We ended up telling everyone that it would just be the two of us because of the family difficulties. My family were fine and my fiancé’s acted fine but showed their displeasure in not talking or mentioning our wedding for a year.

We attempted to organise a legal ceremony here with family and do a religious one in France. Fiancé accepted his Mun’s offer to pay a few thousand for our legal ceremony here. A week later she was on our couch hinting they didn’t have money (they have millions in actual fact) and suggesting we keep to our original plan of eloping & having party when we return.

Both our parents were very coy about when/if/how much they would contribute. We have been saving to travel for years and are renovatig our home. Neither of or parents or us live in a big enough property to throw a party in. I don’t have many family members who would pitch in for a diy wedding (if any). I would not be comfortable throwing a budget wedding – $5000 would have eaten into our trip money and is still a fair amount and I wouldn’t feel confident when all my friends have invited us to spectacular parties.

Finally, I think if you can only afford a small wedding or to elope it is understandable to want to do it somewhere special.  It’s not really eloping in the same state and small weddings get out of control easily.

It baffles me that parents have expectations and fear missing out on their ‘babies’ dream yet don’t want to contribute financially. Brides are always expected to be gracious about parents contributing but yet there is an expectation to throw them a very costly wedding or negotiate the logistics and politics of keeping a small, budget wedding small & lovely. 

why is it a dream to see a son get married ? Why can’t it be the happiness on his face as he celebrates back at home with his new wife and shows off his rings and cuts a wedding cake with family when they return newly married and sexed up from the honeymoon ? Who are these sheltered people that have such narrow, fairytale expectations of life ? Isn’t it enough to know your kid is happy, loved up, healthy and not paying $20,000 of wedding debt off on his crest card as he maturely builds a future with his bride ?

We are having a wedding celebration when we retun with photo slideshow, wedding cake, French wine, toasts and family. My advice is to sit down and have a heart to heart with your inlaws with your fiancé there. That is what I did and while I can’t say that is improved things that much, I knew in my heart that I had considered everyone by organising a celebration when we return and explaining our reasons and that while we would love them to be there, we had limited options.

This is your life and your story. If your FMIL feela so strongly about it then she should put her money where her wedding beliefa are and foot the bill for your family members. It would still be a dam sight cheaper than what most parents pay for a big wedding. That’s what I would do if I was that desperate to be at my son’s wedding. If people want a celebration then they’re welcome to foot the bill & make if happen.

Post # 11
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@UKbee:  They don’t have a right to be upset.Your wedding is first and foremost for you and your FI. What you want goes.

My advice would be to stop ringing, stop texting and stop going over to see them. Ignore them like they ignore you. Don’t negotigate with (emotional) terrorists. If you bend over backwards for them now, next time you do something they don’t agree with, you’ll have the same circus again.

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