(Closed) FMIL stress regarding my shower.. advice?

posted 9 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
2008 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Oof.  That’s rough.  I’m so sorry!  Unfortunately, I can’t think of anything you can do other than what you suggested.  It sounds like you’re handling it well though.  Hopefully someone else’s brain is working better than mine is tonight and they’ll have some suggestions.  Good luck and keep us posted! 

Post # 4
Member
22 posts
Newbee

OUCH!, that is so not right.  As a present and future mother inlaw I hope one of my kids would sit me down and set me straight if I ever came close to doing something like that.  When I married I swore I would never put my husband in the spot of choosing between me and his mother.

When my sons married I swore i would never make them to come CLOSE to chosing between me and their wives.  Why give them that kind of grief????????

Is eveything done in email between the two of you?

Maybe I am missing something but a wedding is more important than a 50th birthday party but then I am not into wanting a party for myself.  Since you told her that far in advance and she said it MIGHT be a conflict I wonder of she mentioned it to any of her family.  Sound like she did not. Her poor brother is most likely hating being the center of a conflict.

Is it possible to email a few of your finacee’s famiy just to give them a heads up on the date and see what response youget.  NOT as a *take my side email* but you  might pleasantly find out the date of the BD party can be changed with little problem.

Any chance your fiancee can talk to the uncle or whoever is giving the party about a change of date?

 If nothing else…send your invitations. Be glad you found someone to love enough to marry,  have fun with the ones who come and have a long and happy married life!

 

Post # 5
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Yesh…you know, your FMIL is probably just feeling left out.  Does she have daughters of her own?  She probably is frustrated that her opinion is not being more accounted for…I get some of this same passive-aggressive anger from my FMIL.  I dont really ask much for her insight or opinion, I talk to my own mother.  And, of course, my FI has no opinion about anything.  He just wants to show up and say I Do.  So he doesnt call his mother with details or for her opinion…

She’s just frustrated and angry.  You didnt even plan the shower, so obviously, she shouldnt be mad at you…but that’s the way it goes sometimes.  Are all these showers in the same town?  Maybe you can have a 2nd shower, geared more to her family.  Tell FI to suggest it to his mom.

Post # 6
Member
699 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think she is overreacting! You, nor your family, is "out to get them" or not include them. You were very thoughtful in asking if she would like to invite some guests. She just doesn’t see it that way.

Is there any way you would be willing to call her instead of sending an email? I too am an email kind of girl but something like this sounds like it needs to be delt with either on the phone or in person. Tone can often be lost in email.

What was your fiance’s reaction to all this? Can he talk to her as well?

Good luck! and sorry you have to deal with unnecessary drama!

Post # 7
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Eeek. This is a sticky situation! I feel terrible for you as this is obviously not your fault. There is nothing you can do about the date as it’s already been set. While it’s unfortunate that she cannot attend if she really wants to attend a shower she can host one herself or have one of your FI’s aunts host one for you.

Perhaps your MOH could mention planning a shower along with your MIL at your MIL’s house with her friends and family? Would this be possible?

Post # 8
Member
596 posts
Busy bee

Yikes!  Can you get your fiance to talk to FMIL?  Maybe he can find out why she’s so upset and why she’s giving you so much grief about something you can no control over.  Also, is it possible to have another small informal shower where FMIL and her friends and family can be involved?

Post # 9
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ouch is right, this is one sticky situation!

 I have to say, I love how she is pointing out that it’s the GROOM’s day as well…. it’s the shower. I’m not a big spotlight loving bride, but the shower is in fact, all about the bride!!

 It’s a shame that she isn’t seeing this as the potential bonding experience it should be and causing petty drama.  I would suggest going out to lunch (or coffee if she’s that much of a pain) and tyring to talk the situation out.  If she’s being this bad about the shower, I woudl hate to see the problem escalate as you get closer to the wedding!

Post # 10
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Maybe you could talk to her in person (where it seems like she might be nicer and more understanding). Perhaps you could do a second shower like others have suggested and ask her if she would like to host it or help plan it. It could be low key just at someones house just so FMIL could have a part in it. And have you explained to her that this was a surprise to you and it was arranged so long ago?

Post # 12
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2007

Whoa, that is WAY out of line.

I could see how the birthday party is really a big event – it’s not just a party, but also seemingly a family reunion. Also, depending on how senior the honoree is, he may be a super-important member of his family and it might be considered disrespectful not to fully participate.

That being said, the way your FMIL is handling this is nothing short of unreasonable. YOU did not insist on holding the shower that day, but she is taking out all of her frustrations on you. If I were in your situation, I would have your FI step in as a buffer – maybe she will open up if he gently asks her why she feels this way about your shower situation, perhaps there is something she is not telling you about why she is so adamant about attending the birthday party.

If that’s not the case, well…I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Nobody needs this kind of tension with their in-laws.

Post # 14
Member
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

yikes this sounds awful.  but good for you to just press on and be happy, sometimes that is really all you can do if someone else is determined to be miserable.  i’m sure you’ll have a lovely shower!!!

Post # 15
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. She sounds insanely jealous! And after you provided some background information on her, it makes a lot of sense. You will enjoy your shower more if she isn’t there raising cane. At least your fiance is in the same boat and sounds very understanding and supporting. If your FMIL is going to create problems, stay out of the way as much as you can! Sounds like she would turn this shower of YOURS, the BRIDE, into all about HER and the "GROOM" even though grooms don’t want showers! haha. Her disrespectful emails are a shame though. A woman who is old enough to have children getting married should not resort to tactless and rude emails to handle a situation. Tell her you simply won’t talk to her about stuff unless she "calms down and is rationale". I bet that’ll tick her off . Fight fire with fire, LoL. Otherwise you’ll flip out in 20 years like my mom did from all the pent up frustrations!

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