FMIL thinks this wedding is all about HER, keeps comparing our wedding to others

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1931 posts
Buzzing bee

  1. If she keeps demanding things, tell her she can pay for them.
  2. She’s the one that is going to look ridiculous in her dress and people WILL notice. Let her make a fool of herself. 
  3. If it gets worse, tell your fiance to calmly sit her down and tell her that she’s making you very uncomfortable and upset and that’s not the proper way to help her daughter-in-law with the wedding. 

Post # 4
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@anon1234:  While I totally get why your MIL is annoying you, please don’t be snotty about Tim and Tina’s wedding. They didn’t do anything wrong.

in my opinion, it’s time for your FI to have a CTJ conversation with his mother or for both of you to get a bit blunt.

She is an adult so she gets to select her own dress. Let it go. If she wants her hair and make-up done, great. She can make the arrangements and pay. You need not explain or justify this – just put that monkey right back on her back. “My appointment is at x time. I suppose you could call the stylist and see if she can do you before or after but feel free to make your own arrangements. What’s that? No, we can’t pay for this for you,” 

As for the comparisons to T&T’s wedding – ignore, ignore, ignore.

Post # 5
956 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I am completely with you but just confused about one thing – if her dress is v similar to yours but not suitable for a beach wedding….is yours ok for a beach wedding?  Apologies if I’ve misread somethin ..  Fwiw, I think your wedding sounds way nicer than tina/tom’s! Not to be snooty or do anyone down who does choose a fancier wedding. Just a personal opinion! 

Post # 6
730 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2014 - South Bonson Pier & Community Centre

@anon1234:  my mother used to say stuff like that about my cousin’s wedding. Drove me nuts. I don’t think she means to be hurtfull. My FMIL keeps going on about the groomsmen wearing suits, and wants FH to wear a tux! I just laugh and stick to my guns. We’re having a relaxed wedding on a pier, not some ballroom wedding. What is great for one looks ridiculous for the other. Have you shown her inspiration photos? That helped calm my moms nerves to realize that what were doing isn’t going yo be super tacky/white trash. Unfortunately, there hasn’t been much saving FMIL…

Post # 7
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

ok that is just ridiculous! has anyone realized that she was able to pay for her out of town travel to Tom’s wedding but not her own son’s. She needs to get over Tom’s wedding. It’s not about her or Tom or Tina. it’s about you and your soon to be husband and the union that you are making. wether it be fancy or not it’s still yours. I would tell her that if she wants to get her hair and makeup done she is more than welsome to set up an appt for wherever and whenever she wants and she can pay for it if she has to get it done that badly. as for the first danc… the first dance she has with her son will be the first dance if other people are on the dance floor or not. the spotlight doesn’t need to be on her. this is not her day it’s yours. I think she’s nuts!

Post # 8
6194 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I understand your frustration with the the comparisons, but I also think you need to remember that your wedding really isn’t just about you. Weddings are about the family, too- she’s been thinking about this day before you even knew what a wedding was. It’s fine if your FI doesn’t want a mother-son dance, but I can understand why she would be disappointed. 

Post # 9
6674 posts
Bee Keeper

I think she’s mostly being overbearing and inappropriate, but if the first dance with her son is so important to the woman, I would probably consider giving her that much. The dance doesn’t have to be announced formally or anything, you could just plan to switch off in a natural way.  A few moments later, and it really could be just a few moments, everyone else gets up to dance, led maybe by the bridal party. 

The choice of dress is hers.  I’m sure no one will mistake her for the bride and if she’s too hot on the beach, that’s her problem.

Agree with pp that you don’t have to cover any of her requested extra expenses.  I agree with the strategy of putting the ball back in her court on the hair and makeup thing.  Try letting all this go in one ear and out the other and letting  your FI handle her the rest of the time.  And vent all you like!

Post # 13
7911 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015



I think you just need to tap dance around all conversations regarding wedding plans. Shes not paying- its really not her business to state demands!

like so:

FMIL: What are you doing about centerpieces? Tinas wedding had elegant unicorn glitter turd votives.

YOU: Thats so nice. We’re still deciding. 


FMIL: Whats your signature cocktail? Tina had cosmos manhattan daquiris with sparkle stirrers

You: Thats so nice. We’re still deciding. 


You could GENTLY say, “I know you loved Tina’s wedding but my style is very different. I’d like it if you wouldn’t compare the two because I’m worried youll just end up dissapointed!”

(then you’re making it about her feeeelings, and you not wanting her to feeeel bad so she will take it as you being considerate, not confrontational)


good luck! Also have you looked at Tina’s wedding for inspiration???!? I heard it was realllly elegant Wink




Post # 14
6674 posts
Bee Keeper

I read your previous thread and there is a little bit more history to this story, including your FMIL’s resentment that this is a  DW and some IMO understandable  jealousy about not being included during the prewedding week at the rental house in the same way your family will be.  

Unfortunately, not everyone loves the idea of a DW, and you are dealing with the repercussions. Your FMIL was  able to afford a cabinet and countertop upgrade during this time,  so it is clearly NOT all about the money.  Her threat that she would not attend unless her way was paid for was clearly a protest vote on her part. 

Post # 15
3584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Wait, she thinks THE first dance should be between her and her son instead of the bride and groom?

Post # 16
2302 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

mil: ‘i want to come three days before the wedding’

you: ‘great! it’s 200 dollars a night, i’ll send you the number of the booking agent, it will be great to have an extra set of hands for set up!’

mil: ‘i want my hair and makeup done’

you: ‘sounds great, who are you going to book?’

mil: ‘the last wedding had baby penguins for favours’

you: ‘that’s cool – my friend once gave out baby hedgehogs. that’s what makes weddings great, the couple get to make it reflect them. that’s why we’re having x’

just make it her problem in the nicest way possible. literally don’t. do. it. for. her. and make comments so that she knows she’ll be paying.

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