Post # 1
Disclosure: My FMIL is bats*** crazy. Every horror story about MILs? Those things actually do happen.
My parents and my FH’s parents are both divorced. Mine have been for 8 years, his for about 3. My mom will be bringing a date to the wedding–someone she’s been with for several years and my dad has met/spoken with/sat with at other functions. My FFIL requested recently that we invite his sig. other to the wedding as well. They’ve been together for a year or so, we’ve spent a good amount of time with her, she gave my FH and FBIL presents for Christmas. She is a very nice woman-mid-50s (same age range as FFIL, divorced once, no kids, so nothing weird). We will be sending her a separate invitation, not as a “plus-one” on my FFIL’s invitation. She is one of the four friends my FFIL requested to be invited to the wedding. Neither she nor my mom’s SO will be invited to the rehearsal dinner because we want to keep it very small (about 35 vs. wedding of 200ish)
FMIL didn’t know FFIL was dating anyone until recently. She wants to meet the SO before the wedding, not an unrealstic request. FFIL not interested in that happening. He rightly asserted that they are divorced, both children are grown, and she really has no reason to meet the SO. Now my FMIL is threatening to not attend the wedding or reception because of the SO.
Our parents will sit together in the front pews at the wedding without SOs. We were already planning on putting them at separate tables with either their siblings or friends for the reception. FMIL is inviting probably 20+ of her own friends. She’s already dictated that half of her siblings (she’s 1 of 6) shouldn’t be invited because she doesn’t get along with them. We said okay there. My FH and I have every intention of inviting his father’s SO to the wedding despite my FMIL’s threats.
I know other people have dealt with this situation–WHAT DID YOU DO?!?!
Post # 2
sbwallace88: Don’t let her dictate the terms of your wedding by threats and coercion. Manipuators like her almost always back down on their threats. If she stayed away she wouldn’t be the center of attention.
I disagree that her demand to meet her ex husband’s date before the wedding is reasonable. They have been divorced for 3 years. His social life is none of her business. Her obligation is to act like a civilized adult no matter who he choose to asociate with.
Post # 3
sbwallace88: I wouldn’t give in. Her request is unreasonable, and it’s sad that she is going to punish YOU guys because of her selfishness. She wants to cry and carry on about it and cause a big enough scene to get her way. I would do the exact opposite and say, “I’m sorry you feel that way” and let it go. She will be upset, but those can be her feelings if she chooses to have them. Ultimately, I think (I hope) she will end up making the mature decision to attend the wedding.
Post # 4
I agree with your FFIL why does she need to meet his SO before the wedding? That’s crazy. You all have already given into her demands and look where its gotten you, more demands. Stop the crazy train now. If she doesn’t come, she looks like the fool. I think she’s just bluffing anyway. So call her bluff.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
There is no reason at ALL that she should want, need, or ask to meet this new woman in her ex’s life. She’s been catered to on things that matter and she has friends there to support her.
Don’t give in.
Post # 6
sbwallace88: +1 to all the PPs. Tell her you hope she changes her mind about not attending, and leave it at that. Do not negotiate with terrorists, lol! You’re being plenty accomodating as it is.
Post # 7
sbwallace88: That’s crazy. First of all, I don’t think she NEEDS to meet her. That’s a silly request. Why does it matter? Second of all, I would not put the SO’s at different tables. I feel like that would make it more awkward (but it’s totally up to you obviously). It is not the worst thing in the world. Finally, don’t let FMIL make this any more difficult than it needs to be.
Explain to her that she cannot dictate who is invited to the wedding and you and your FH have to do it how you want. Good luck!
Post # 9
sbwallace88: You are doing the right thing, except that you do need to invite SOs to the rehearsal dinner. It it not polite to break up social units.
That said, just be firm with your FMIL. You are inviting her to the wedding, and she can either accept or send her regrets. She cannot accept with conditions. I also agree with PPs that her request is unreasonable. If she chooses to be petty and refuses to attend your wedding, that is on her. I think she will come around when she sees that her threats aren’t working.
Post # 10
I agree w/ PPs.
Her son should just tell her (through whatever method works best)- As you know, FFIL’s SO is invited. We hope you’ll join us to celebrate our wedding and be happy for us, but whether you attend or not is your decision. Let us know when you have decided please.
Post # 11
CarterLove: Sorry, maybe I wasn’t clear. Not putting SOs at separate tables…each of our parents will be at separate tables and the ones with SOs will be seated wtih them.
Post # 12
sbwallace88: I don’t work with threats. I’d tell her to go pound sand and that if she wouldn’t come over something so petty then she isn’t welcome. They’re divorced, she has no claim to her ex or any input in his life. Their children are grown, and there is no reason why she needs to have soem formal meeting. I can understand not wanting there to be any awkward “hi, nice to meet you” moment so personally, I would invite the dates to the rehearsal dinner and let that be the meeting place. – That and I consider it rude to not let the parents invite their SO to the rehearsal dinner.
Post # 13
merpitymerp: I agree with you under most circumstances I wouldn’t exclude the SOs. There happen to be unusual circumstances that I won’t expand on that we’re not inviting my mom’s SO and my FFIL is choosing not to invite his.
Everyone else–thanks so much for reassuring me that I don’t need to bend to her wishes! Unfortunately this isn’t the first time she’s pulled stuff like this (threatened to write her son out of her will for not seeing a play with her last year…didn’t happen). Whether or not my FMIL and FFIL’s SO meet before the wedding doesn’t matter too much to me, I can see the situation from both sides. Ultimately my FH is the one who needs to respond to her and he will do it, we just have to present a united front. If she continues to act like a 5-year-old or terrorist (depending on which analogy you use) it will ultimately be her loss!
Post # 14
sbwallace88: hi, my MIL and her mom threatened not to come, even rsvp’d with a big capital letter “NO!” We still had a plate and seats at the reception for them. We even had coursages ready too in hopes they changed their minds. In the end we wanted to extend the olive branch completely so that we can say we did everything we could. Make it completely their decision on what to patricipate or not participate in.
What ended up happing is…. they both showed up for the ceremony, sat in the back row, turned away from any photographers so they were not photographed, rejected our corsages when the best man (their son in law) presented them. They then said nothing to me and left before the reception. I belive they only said a few words to DH, mainly about being dissapointed….
sad, but i have no regrets. They missed out and it was completely their decision to do so, if they had stayed they would have had a nice dinner 🙂