- 3 months ago
Just some background to preface this post – my fiance and I are getting married in January next year and he proposed after we had been dating for just over three years. We’re both from the same cultural/linguistic background but have two different religions, and are therefore having two separate ceremonies. Our parents are very involved (emotionally and financially – about 80% of the guest-list is theirs so they’re contributing a correspondingly larger portion to our wedding). We both knew we would have to compromise on what we wanted from the start, so we decided we’d set down guidelines so we wouldn’t be surprised with anything in the future. My fiance lives in a different state for work, and I live in the state where his parents are so I see them relatively often, and usually the topic is wedding planning. My parents live in a different state as well, which is hard for me because I would love to have them closer to me during this process!
I’m happy for both sets of parents to put forward their suggestions and my fiance and I do consider those suggestions seriously, but I feel my FMIL has been overstepping some boundaries lately. I do understand that weddings are not just about the bride and groom but about their families as well, but I feel that we’ve been more than accommodating to everyone’s wishes.
For one of the ceremonies I wear two outfits, one for the pre-marriage religious rituals and the second for the actual marriage rituals (basically the equivalent to a wedding dress). We had arranged a trip overseas for the middle of this year (including my mum, my sister, my fiance and his mum) to go pick out those outfits among all the other wedding things we need to buy. This weekend I found out that my FMIL had bought an outfit meaning for it to be my second outfit for the wedding – and this was after agreeing to do all the shopping together and knowing that I have my own taste and ideas. I specifically included everyone on the trip so no one would feel left out, and also so that I would get a say in what I wear.
I can put my foot down and say no – this isn’t an issue of her forcing me to wear something, it’s just that we had discussed this and she went ahead and bought it anyway. I’m now feeling guilted into wearing something that I didn’t get to choose (she mentions often about how expensive it was) and also that my mum couldn’t be a part of that experience either.
For the same ceremony there are two potential types of outfits my fiance could wear – both are traditional and there’s no real drawback to either, it’s mostly about personal preference. My fiance prefers Outfit 1, but my FMIL prefers Outfit 2. My fiance has told her what he would be most comfortable with – to which she replied that he was “ignoring his father’s wishes and if he wanted to do that then fine”. I’m a little heartbroken for my fiance because he does everything for his parents. I think a little part of the issue is that he has been putting our relationship more obviously first now that we’re engaged and his mum isn’t quite used to that.
The thing that hurt my feelings more than anything though was when my FMIL told me that we should raise the children in my fiance’s religion because I wasn’t capable of teaching the kids mine (he’s a weekly churchgoer and I go to the temple regularly – but my focus is on values rather than the worship of a specific God – my religion has many). She’s very superstitious and in the same argument told me that if the kids aren’t raised with a proper religion and they get confused, they may not end up believing in anything, and that this happened to a certain other family and their next child had autism. I obviously don’t believe that (I’m a doctor and this comment annoyed me nearly just as much as the vaccination leads to autism garbage does) – but if something were to happen to our kids (God forbid), she’s the type of person who would bring this up later and play the blame game.
On top of all of this is her trying to get me to make her cousin’s daughter (who I have never met) one of my bridesmaids in the church wedding because they’re coming from overseas and it would be rude not to include them in the wedding (even though I am giving them a slightly less important role in the wedding for that reason alone). She would also like to have a separate lunch after one of the ceremonies only for the people on their side who have come from interstate/overseas (even though we are giving everyong a meal the very next day) and wanted to print two sets of invitations (one set including the “and join us for lunch thereafter” for those specific people and the other set to not say this for all of my family/friends who don’t need to travel and therefore somehow don’t need the meal as much).
It’s mostly the little things that are driving me a little crazy – I’ve tried everything (giving her more jobs to do for the wedding, running every single decision we’ve made past her, etc etc etc) and I’m getting nowhere. I’m wondering if I should sit her down and have a chat about whats been happening, because more than anything I don’t want my fiance to be hurt, but I’m worried I’ll somehow offend her/make the situation worse.