(Closed) FMIL troubles

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I’m sorry things are so hard with your FMIL.  First of all, I would say get your fiance a little more involved, have him come to some meetings, and make sure the two of you are on the same page.  You really need him to be the one to communicate with his mom and stick up for the wedding you have both decided that you want.  My FMIL also complained about not feeling informed, etc…  Something that might help is sending email updates.  For example, if you meet with two florists, you can send some info on both and ask her advice to help you decide.  She won’t make any of the major decisions for you, but she can feel more involved.  Just giving her some information might help you from feeling attacked all of the time. 

Post # 4
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You = Normal, harried working full-time bride-to-be

FMIL = b*tch/drama queen butting in and causing uneeded stress

If she’s so all about "tradition", she should know that the family of the groom traditionally has NO SAY in planning the wedding.  "Traditionally" the groom’s parents get to plan the rehearsal dinner, period.  You have NO obligation to include her in the decisions, BUT if your FI thinks that it would help future family harmony, maybe you could take her on "follow up" appointments– ie. dress fitting or florist trial– where the big decision has already been made.  And it wouldn’t hurt to warn those vendors in advance that you are bringing her and would really appreciate their support in making her see how fantastic your vision for the wedding is!  Two against one, right?

In the meantime, why not trying writing her a simple letter, explaining your choices AND how it hurts your feelings that she is always denigrating those choices?  I am all about the air-clearing letter for situations that might not be fixable face-to-face.  If you do this, be sue to get you FI to sign off on the final language, so that it she calls him to complain (instead of to apologize, as she should), he will be on the same page as you.  After all, you made these decisions together.

Good luck!

 

Post # 5
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Yikes, sounds pretty Monster In Law-ish if you ask me.

Have you told your FMIL about Chinease traditions that you won’t be having? I mean she can’t be that dull that she doens’t understand you have your traditions too – she’s got to just be ignoring it. 

FI sounds like he’s "wussing" out a bit if you ask me, being on board with you in the beginning and then reverting back to taking moms side can not only be frustrating for you, but incredibly hurtful. I think that the two of you should work that one out before you go at fixing the MIL thing. You can’t "fight" (for lack of a better word) her alone and it’s his mother, you shouldn’t have to.  You are going to be his wife and though he should honor and love his mom, he needs to support and stand by you first and foremost now. That’s marriage.

I think she needs to watch the movie Monster In Law and back off you. Ask her next time she says something about it "Why would I want the same wedding as the cousin getting married before/after us? How boring would that be?" 

Good luck hun, I’m soryy I can’t be of more help – I can chew her out if you want 😉  

 

Post # 6
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2018

LOL, no you aren’t being a b*tch. I’ve encountered a similar problem and am trying to just involve in the laws in the final stages of planning (once I"ve made up my mind on certain things). My inlaws have been overbearing even though they aren’t paying a cent. I can’t change anything they’ve decided on thus far since its too late but I’m planning to control what I can going forward. And really, I don’t care anymore if they think I’m being difficult. I just want certain things done my way, especially if I’m paying for it. This has definitely taken a load off the stressful part of wedding planning.

Plus, if they choose to hold the whole wedding planning thing against me forever…..oh well…I don’t see them on a day-to-day basis anyhow.

Post # 7
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

You’re definitely NOT being a b*tch.  I agree with what some of the other commenters have said, that you should try and involve her in some of the final stages of planning BUT, you should also not feel guilty for not having the time to include other people.  It is your wedding.  Plus, I don’t know how your relationship is with your FMIL normally (i.e. outside of wedding planning), but it could also be that she feels like she’s "losing" her son and thus taking advantage of the wedding to try and assert her influence/power over him and now you.  You definitely shouldn’t stand for this, though.  If this is the case, the best thing to do is just continuing doing what you want to do — be nice and try to involve her, but don’t give up your dream to satisfy hers.

Post # 9
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I also don’t think you should feel bad at all.  You don’t actually have any obligation to include your FMIL in the planning, or to adjust your plans to her expectations.  It’s nice if you want to try to make her feel included, but not if she just criticizes every choice you make!  And that is actually what I would focus on – assuming that she does want to be included.  I would let her know that while you would love for her to be involved in the planning if she wants to be, you feel bad when she criticizes your choices and compares your plans unfavorably with the cousin’s.  Let her know, nicely, that it is your wedding, and while some of your choices might not be the ones she would make, they are your choices.  And then maybe have a little list of things she could help with if she wants.  (Maybe research – I have my mom and FMIL running down things like comparative florist prices, tux rental info, etc.) 

If she doesn’t want to help, only to critique, I would ignore her to the best of your ability, and let your FI know in no uncertain terms that he needs to tell her to back off – that criticizing you is offensive to him, and that she needs to learn a different way to interact with you.  Believe me, until she hears it from him, its not likely to change.

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