- 10 years ago
- Wedding: October 2008
Everyone, I could really use some help/advice/insight on this situation.
My FMIL is a very vocal person. Before the engagement, we got along very well, even though she is pretty high maintenance (FI is her only child and his parents are divorced). Over the past few months, she has been critical of many aspects of the wedding. She brings up the wedding every time we see her. For example, at Christmas Eve dinner she talked about how disappointed she was to hear that we were not planning an official first dance, that I only registered at once place and for only a few items, that there will not be a bouquet toss and garter event, that we plan to mingle with the guests at cocktail hour rather than hiding out in order to make a grand entrance at the reception, etc. She did this at her sister’s house in front of her entire extended family! To make matters worse, FI’s cousin is getting married two weeks after us (thus requiring us to change our honeymoon plans, but that is another issue) and my FMIL kept asking the cousin whether she was incorporating these "traditional" elements in her wedding. Which of course she is.
The whole situation makes me very uncomfortable and I feel like I am constantly under attack. FI and I have talked about this and at first, he was sympathetic and told me to ignore her and said he would intervene when she got out of control. In our last conversation this weekend, the story has changed (I know this sounds paranoid, but I think she has been talking to him and complaining about how I am excluding her from the wedding). Now he is saying to me that (i) she is not being mean because I would know if she REALLY wanted to be nasty to me (boy, am I looking forward to my future right now); and (ii) to make my life easier, I really should just involve her in any future meetings/activities.
Here is my problem with FI’s comments. First, I have not really embraced the wedding planning. I have had a horrifying busy year at work and I really squeeze in meetings at the last minute. I never go with anyone to any of these meetings. I have met the florist, the venue, etc. by myself. My mom came with me to meet a potential invitation person only because I needed my mom’s input on the Chinese part of the invitation. Second, I feel like my FI is telling me that there is no hope and that I should just cave into his mother’s demands. It is not in my nature to be passive.
As background, FI and I are paying for the wedding ourselves. My parents have gifted me my wedding dress (which was a total unexpected surprise). All the FMIL is paying for is the rehearsal dinner, which FI and I did not want and she is insisting on having. It is now also turning out to be as fancy if not fancier than the wedding reception itself. But I can’t say anything now since I agreed months ago to let her plan the RD. FMIL has also decided to invite about a dozen of her friends to the reception, which she is not paying for. FI doesn’t want to tell her she can’t invite her friends, even though no one else knows them, so we are stuck with this expense.
At this point I don’t want anything to do with her. I know if we do anything together she will criticize that I am not being traditional (FYI–I am Chinese and FI is not. We decided not to have the Chinese banquet, so in my parents’ opinion, I am not being traditional either but they have not complained) and compare our wedding to the cousin’s. What do I do? I really don’t want to give in to her but I don’t want to keep have "discussions" with my FI about this.
So am I just being a b*tch about the whole thing? Am I being a drama queen? This whole situation has really stressed me out and I am dreading the rest of the engagement. Whenever people ask me about wedding planning, I tell them it sucks. 🙁 Please help!