Post # 1
So FH and I decided that we would rather a smaller guest list (160) and throw a quality wedding than have a larger guest list and have to skip on things we want. The result is some of my older cousins I am not close to and some other extended family I would like there most likely won’t be invited. My FH also has some people on his wish list. If our financial situation changes over the next 14 months we hope to invite these people. That sounds great to us and his dad, and step mother, and my parents but his mom is not happy. She wants her husbands extended family invited, when my FH can’t even remember most of their names. She has now decided that she will invite them as well as pay for them. Am I unreasonable if I tell her I don’t want that? We already behave his step fathers brothers and their children on the list, but she wants his cousins as well. I don’t feel right having my FH step second cousins at our wedding when some of my own first cousins aren’t getting the invite, even though I am not close with them. What do you guys think?
Post # 2
your wedding, your decisions. simple as that.
also, 160 is small to you? 160 is HUGE in my opinion.
Post # 3
No, you wouldn’t be unreasonable for telling her that. She can’t just add people to your guest list. That’s not how things work.
Every time she brings it up, your fiancée needs to shut it down immediately. It does have to be your fiancée, too, because you doing it will cause unnecessary trouble. It’s his mom, so he needs to handle her.
Don’t entertain any talk of adding guests. Have your husband say basically, “No, mom, we’re not adding guests. This is how it’s going to be.” and leave it at that.
Post # 4
jmc3457: You are not being unreasonable to not have them, even if she pays. It’s not always about dollars and cents, it’s also about not having complete strangers at your wedding. I getcha. Though I have to agree with the pp, 160 isn’t small to most people.
Post # 5
Oh man, my FI and I recently made up a preliminary guest list which totals around 150 (my family gets 50 invites, his family gets 50 invites and us as a couple get 50) His mother is already bugging us to allow her 10 more invites. The crazy part is these 10 extra people are people my FI hasn’t seen in a decade and who I’ve never met. I’ve let him deal with it as she is his mother.
Bottom line is that it’s YOUR wedding and unless she is being allowed a set number of people she can invite, then it’s up to you and your FI as to who you want there.
Post # 6
jmc3457: you should tell her that you are keeping it to people you are close to for more than just financial reasons so thanks but no thanks, her husbands cousins can’t come. My FI’s parents are throwing us a day-after party for a ceramont from their culture. I had to make painful decisions on who to invite bc we were told to keep it small. Traditionally only family goes. Then at the last minute his mom added 15 couples to the list and invited them all to the party she is hosting. I’m sad now because that’s 30 people I don’t know at our intimate gathering which is not so intimate anymore. Trust your gut on this one.
Post # 7
Thanks for all the responses!! I am glad I am not crazy on this one, now I just need FH to stand up to his mom. Which is a whole new can of worms!
Post # 8
I feel for you, with a few variations here and there I basically went through exactly the same situation with my future MIL. One of my fiance’s family has TWELVE kids. We invited the oldest two because they were the only ones we knew well/ever hung out around ever. She was flipping out saying we should have done the oldest six (she wasn’t going to argue that we needed the little ones because we were clear about the no kid policy.) She also was putting all these adults on our guest list that I had never even heard, much less met. My thing was there was no excuse for that because we’ve been together 7 years now, if I haven’t met or atleast heard of these people then they can’t be important enough that they need to be there. Needless to say, we caught her red handed SENDING our save the dates (we ordered extra for keepsakes) to people we specifically said no to. Most were donors of her workplace so there was clear politics being involved (still urks me to this day to type it.) Now those people are stuck coming to our wedding. Put your foot down now and say no haha! That is my biggest advice. Don’t feel bad about it either, it’s your wedding so it should be your guest list. What annoyed me most was how she was inviting these people off my father’s dime, and like you, I only wanted people there with meaning. Good luck!
Post # 9
Tell her no way. It would be different if you didn’t have a bunch of people on both sides that you wish you could invite, but that’s just ridiculous. There are circumstances where it might make sense to invite your FI’s extended family and not your first cousins, but those would involve either your family being much MUCH larger than your FI’s, or your just not getting along with them. Either way, if you both have people on the wish-list, then this isn’t the case. It doesn’t matter if she wants to pay for their plates; not cool.
Post # 10
jmc3457: stepfather’s cousins is riduiculous. I’m sure they have zero interest in attending. Inviting the stepfather’s brothers is being more than generous.
Your husband needs to explain to his mother that guests don’t know who is paying, so regardless of who’s paying, inviting one stepparent’s cousins set a precedent. It would mean every other parent’s cousins (and all of your cousins) would need to be invited too.
Post # 11
- Wedding: September 2016 - Our Castle
Tell her if she wishes to have a wedding again of her own she can invite them to that. You have your list four your wedding and you apreciate the thought but would like to keep it the way it is..