- 4 years ago
I hate to post another “emotional post”– but long story short, my FMIL is a very manipulative, petty, controlling individual. She claims to “like me,” but her actions are very different.
1) She has told me our home will not be blessed by God because we are “living together” for about 8 weeks this summer prior to the wedding ceremony. She has caused so much drama about sleeping arrangements on numerous occasions because she is “uncomfortable,” and even though we repeatedly tell her we are saving sex for marriage, it doesnt matter. She doesnt “believe” us, I guess. She has essentially told me she looks at me differently and judges me, even though FI and I have been engaged for over 6 months now, and jumps at any opportunity to make a scene over this.
2) She HATES my mother for no real reason and is extremely passive aggressive towards her. (She has admitted this in the past, doing things that will intentionally make my mom angry.) She sucks up to my dad in a very flirty manner– my parents are divorced, and its a really tricky situation. Anyway, my parents still find being in social situations extremely awkward, and my mom has been planning to come to my couples shower for months now with her new boyfriend. Thus, I told FMIL I’d be more comfortable not inviting my dad up to a shower she is hosting after clearing it with my father, who didnt want to come anyway. BUT, she made a TON of drama in my family..She called up my dad personally to inform him that FI and I did not want to invite him and to find out if there was a problem.” AND she has also insisted we could NOT have the shower if my father was not invited. (FI thinks none of this was intentional or malicious and that she has good intentions, but I beg to differ)
3) She will only see my FI or invite him up to see her (we live out of state) when I will not be there — she claims due to the “sleeping arrangements.” She has tried to pressure us to have a courthouse wedding before the actual wedding in the past to avoid this, even though we have already been staying together for several weeks now. She purposefully invited him up when I was out of the country and planned it out for MONTHS so that she could make a point, and told me it would cause less drama that way. It didnt.
4) She generally has no boundaries. She is crude and rude, and does not like my entire family apparently, besides my dad. (THe divorce was nasty, and there are two sides to every story, but whatever.) Anyway, this week, when I was out of town, she called FI up and told him I am “pulling the wool over his eyes” and that I will be “just like my mother someday” – which she did NOT mean as a compliment. She told him “MOst marriages dont start this way” and to “be careful.” Then she started the shower drama this same week and called my dad and all, so then when I got very upset and told him I thought his mom was being malicious, he told me it was “out of character for her” and I was “blinded by hatred” And she would never “mean to hurt me.” I resent how she has pinned it on me so that he’d think I am the dramatic/ overly emotional one when she is stirring the pot. She has had a knack for doing this on numerous occasions.
Anyway, as a result the two of us got into an explosive fight about this- FI’s parents called and said some hurtful things, but I always thought it was the bride’s preference as to who is invited to a shower from her side- especially her own parents. The conversation deteriorated, and the FIL’s through out ultimatums about just canceling the shower.
However, this is small potatoes compared to the larger issues with FMIL. She is controlling and makes mountains out of molehills and has been using this “conviction” about us living together to try to control and manipulate us for MONTHS. I think after the wedding, there will be something else she uses, though FI thinks she will magically stop making trouble.
How do I deal with her? How should FI be responding to this? Thoughts are appreciated!