FMIL Trying to Break Us Up

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug:  Sounds like your FMIL is a bit crazy. I have a similar relationship with my FILs. But thankfully FI is very supportive for me and it’s definitely us against them, I would be a bit worried if your FI doesn’t believe you about his mother, is he letting you vent your emotions and supporting you? If he is there’s isn’t really anything he can except talk to her, but that would probably cause a lot more trouble than it’s worth.

Post # 4
573 posts
Busy bee

She sounds crazy and exhausting.

Boundaries need to be set now before it’s harder to do; your FI needs to wake up and fend her off otherwise you will always be watching your backfor her; that’s not fair on you.

Keep strong.

Post # 5
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug:  I would just ignore it as must as possible, I think she wants attention, she knows she is “losing” her son to you, and after you guys are married there is nothing she can do, you husband will always (should always) side with you. 


I would however talk to you guy and explain (calmly) how bad she makes you feel, and how unconfortable you feel around her, and add some “rules” and bondaries you would like to see in action in order to make you “like her more”. Don’t turn him against his mother, because as you say, he doesn’t see what you see, but you could make him understant you are not fully happy and that would be something he is willing to remedie.




Post # 6
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

I was engaged to a guy with a mother like that, once.

He NEVER stood up for me, it was always my fault (Really? that she stole money from our savings account because she knew his banking password?)

I tried for two years, but he NEVER had my back. It was always his mother before everyone else. One day, he made a list of his five favorite people.

His mother was of COURSE #1. That’s when I finally left him. She was always going to win, and I just couldn’t live like that!

Better luck to you!

Post # 7
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

You don’t have a FMIL issue.  You have and FI issue.  He is buying into her crap and not standing up for you.  This will be your married life and you need to accept that right now.

If he was ready for marriage he would have handled this with his mother instead of defending her all the time.  You said she is manipulative – well she has manipulated him into defending her.  It will always be this way.

DECLINE THE SHOWER.  This is a power tool for her.  If your wedding isn’t until next May why is the shower even on the radar now?

Reread Brandnewbride’s post several times.  This will be your life.  If you have that knowledge and you choose to marry him, you have nothing to complain about.  PLEASE reconsider this wedding now.

Post # 8
8387 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@hermom:  +1, to all of this

Post # 9
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Holy woah hun! She sounds like a nutter and I’d be scared marrying into that family.  

I have like a tonne of ideas on how to be passive aggressive towards her and emotionally manipulative (because that’s totally what I would do) however I have to agree with PPs that say this is a problem with your FI. Your wedding is just under a year away – that’s 11 months of hell you’re going to go through before you even say “I do” so he either needs to have your back now, or your life is going to suck for a while. 

Post # 10
3355 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

you should seriously reconsider this marriage. decline the shower, do not accept anything even remotely monetary from them.

Post # 11
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@hermom:  Yep, agreed all around.

I don;t think I could marry a man with whom I had in-law problems. Family is too important to me.

Post # 13
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Hope_To_Be_MrsLovebug:  You have to be really careful who your FI sides with.  You’re saying he’s siding with you, but he’s not.  “FI thinks none of this was intentional or malicious and that she has good intentions.”  He’s making excuses.  Your FI can’t cut the cord and your FMIL is hiding the scissors.

My ex-MIL was just like this and it eventually turned from “she has good intentions” to everything was my fault.  *I* was the one overreacting.  *I* was the one misinterpreting her intentions.  *I* was the one being paranoid.  Obviously, my ex and I are no longer together.

Post # 14
1793 posts
Buzzing bee

@Bazingau:  +100000.  Based on OP’s first post, I’m not seeing where he “ALWAYS sides with her” either.

OP – check out what I have in bold here:

2) She HATES my mother for no real reason and is extremely passive aggressive towards her. (She has admitted this in the past, doing things that will intentionally make my mom angry.) She sucks up to my dad in a very flirty manner– my parents are divorced, and its a really tricky situation. Anyway, my parents still find being in social situations extremely awkward, and my mom has been planning to come to my couples shower for months now with her new boyfriend. Thus, I told FMIL I’d be more comfortable not inviting my dad up to a shower she is hosting after clearing it with my father, who didnt want to come anyway. BUT,  she made a TON of drama in my family..She called up my dad personally to inform him that FI and I did not want to invite him and to find out if there was a problem.” AND she has also insisted we could NOT have the shower if my father was not invited. (FI thinks none of this was intentional or malicious and that she has good intentions, but I beg to differ)

(Please tell me how FI thougth there no malicious intent in his mother admitting she hates your mom and does things to make her angry, as well as starting drama in your family)

3) She will only see my FI or invite him up to see her (we live out of state) when I will not be there — she claims due to the “sleeping arrangements.” She has tried to pressure us to have a courthouse wedding before the actual wedding in the past to avoid this, even though we have already been staying together for several weeks now. She purposefully invited him up when I was out of the country and planned it out for  MONTHS so that she could make a point, and told me it would cause less drama that way. It didnt.

4) She generally has no boundaries. She is crude and rude, and does not like my entire family apparently, besides my dad. (THe divorce was nasty, and there are two sides to every story,  but whatever.) Anyway, this week, when I was out of town, she called FI up and told him I am “pulling the wool over his eyes” and that I will be “just like my mother someday” – which she did NOT mean as a compliment. She told him “MOst marriages dont start this way” and to “be careful.” Then she started the shower drama this same week and called my dad and all, so then when I got very upset and told him I thought his mom was being malicious, he told me it was “out of character for her” and I was “blinded by hatred” And she would never “mean to hurt me.” I resent how she has pinned it on me so that he’d think I am the dramatic/ overly emotional one when she is stirring the pot. She has had a knack for doing this on numerous occasions.

(YOU are being the one blinded by hatred here?  Again, your FI does NOT have your back on this)

Anyway, as a result the two of us got into an explosive fight about this– FI’s parents called and said some hurtful things, but I always thought it was the bride’s preference as to who is invited to a shower from her side- especially her own parents. The conversation deteriorated, and the FIL’s through out ultimatums about just canceling the shower.

However, this is small potatoes compared to the larger issues with FMIL. She is controlling and makes mountains out of molehills and has been using this “conviction” about us living together to try to control and manipulate us for MONTHS. I think after the wedding, there will be something else she uses, though FI thinks she will magically stop making trouble.

(You are absolutely right there will be something else she uses – it is called your kids).

OP – again, please open your eyes wider here.  This woman does and says horrible things to your mom but FI things she has good intentions and there was nothing malicious.

She said  you are pulling the wool over his eyes and will be “Just like your mother” but he says she would never mean to hurt you and YOU are the one blinded by hatred.

She has manipulated him into buying into her crap (sorry, but yes she has), has you guys getting into explosive fights because he won’t see reality, but this will all stop after the wedding.  Again, I’m sorry, but you don’t have a FMIL problem, you have a FI problem and he does NOT have your back.  He may stand up to her from time to time, but he says you are blinded by hatred and she would never mean to hurt you.  Um, no.

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