Post # 1
My future mother in law is getting more involved with wedding planning, just as it’s coming to an end. I’ve pretty much got everything done and sorted. So she’s started coming up with things to add to it and do.
Today she took Fiance and his two brothers (best man and usher) to get new suits. This would have been fine, had suits not already been chosen and bought. So now the three of them have (admittedly nicer quality) new BROWN suits. My other two ushers (11 and 12 years old), my dad and FI’s step dad are in black suits, so it might all look a bit odd, but I’m not too hung up on the matchy-matchy look, and I’m not going to get all up in arms about it. I am a little bit cross, however, that Fiance now has a new cravat – after I had one specially made for him, to match the waistcoat we had custom made. Ah well, such is life. I’m letting it wash over me.
However, I’m getting stuck on this ‘honeymoon fund’ box that Future Mother-In-Law has made. She was telling me about it today – that she had heard about them from a friend who put one on the bar at her wedding and made £600 from it – so she’s making us one to put on the bar at our wedding.
I am really REALLY uncomfortable with this. I hate anything to do with this sort of thing, and I’m cross that her actions will reflect badly on me. I have done eveything for this wedding, and made sure that it is a reflection of me and Fiance and our values. And now we have this box.
I raised it with Fiance, who thinks it’s a really good idea, as we currently don’t have any spending money for the honeymoon. (I’m getting paid just before we leave, so this isn’t a real issue. I don’t think that it is appropriate to get people to give us extra money at the wedding.) As we talked he got more and more angry, and thought that I was attacking his mum for trying to help. So now I feel like I have to drop it, even though I hate the idea of having the box there.
What would you do in this situation? Just leave it, or raise it with his mum? She’s a scary scary woman, and I’m so worried about offending her 🙁
Post # 3
Weddingbee appears to have turned my well spaced post into a massive wall of text! Apologies!
Post # 4
You’ve got to sort this out with Fiance first. If Fiance comes around to your side, then he can deal with his mum. If Fiance doesn’t come round, you can try talking to his mum instead, but that’s much harder.
Assuming your displayed wedding date is correct, you’ve still got more than a month. So I suggest: give it a few days then raise it with Fiance again. Perhaps direct him to research on the bee or some other web site: most people agree it’s tacky (unless it’s specific to your culture, which it sounds like it isn’t).
p.s. I’m using Internet Explorer and your paragraph breaks are there.
Post # 5
Oh boy. I agree about showing your fiance some sites bashing those boxes. He will probably understand once he reads some of that.
Worst case, direct your bartender to remove the box.
Post # 6
I would just bring it up to her, just say do you think some people might be put off by this honeyfund box? I don’t want anyone to feel obligated and she might just say oh well we can skip it but if she insists I would just let it go
Post # 7
Could you suggest turning it into something else? Might soften the blow. Perhaps an “Advice” box? Or a “Share your favorite memory” box? Or if the box is honeymoon themed, maybe even a “(Family-Friendly) Advice for the Honeymoon”?
That way, you appreciate her work and effort, but get out of the tip-jar mentality.
Post # 8
I think the first issue here is that your Fiance got angry with you and said you were attacking his mom for trying to help. He is going to be YOUR husband, he needs to stick up for you.
I told Fiance that his mother (sweetest woman ever) was trying to help me with EVERYTHING and insisting on knowing ALL plans and that it was a bit overwhelming. I have always been very independant and am not used to having/asking for help, so I didnt know how to handle someone enthusiastically trying to help me.
He adores his mother and thinks she’s the greatest person ever, but he still said, “I understand babe, do you want me to talk to her?” Which of course made me feel like crap, and I said “no, I just need to learn to accept help…”
Post # 9
I just feel mortified about the whole thing, and Fiance thinks it is a brilliant idea. Nothing will change his mind 🙁
I think I’m going to have to pass on to my guests via email and Facebook etc what her plans are and let them know to ignore it.
Post # 10
It’s your wedding and she can’t make you do anything. Tell Fi it’s uncomfortable for you and you don’t want it at the wedding. Then have kindly ask his mother to cut it the f out. She needs boundaries!
Post # 11
Do you have a coordinator or manager on site who can be instructed to remove the box?
I do agree with PPs though, make sure you and your Fiance are on the same page. Personally, I would be offended to see something like this at a wedding.
Post # 12
@Nellop: I understand that part of it, to you it seems extremely rude/greedy to put a box asking for additional money when chances are you will probably get some cash in the wedding cards anyways.
Can you instruct your Day of Coordinator (or whomever is setting up the venue) to put the box on the table by the cards? Maybe that way you can have a compromise and not feel all greedy by having it somewhere people will be going back to multiple times in the night. Everyone will notice it on the way in, and if they remember/want to they can put in, otherwise it will be “out of sight, out of mind”
Its still a bit embaressing to have the box to begin with but its probably an easier solution that keeps everyone happy.
Yeah… I’m a people pleaser, I too am at the point of “who cares” with things Future Mother-In-Law or anyone else wants to do. As long as its not more work for me, I try to find something that makes everyone happy, or just give them their way 🙂 We only hit snags when its my Fiance that has a conflict with these people’s ideas.
Post # 13
Wow. A honeymoon box is super tacky. It’s like saying to all your guests, “hey, I know you already got me a wedding gift, but I’d really like more money from you!” Sorry about all this. Try and talk to you Fiance and help make him understand why this isn’t a good idea and that money shouldn’t be an issue. If you end up having to have the damn thing there, just tell a few of your family and friends about this stupid box she they know it doesn’t reflect you on. That way, his mother gets to put her box up and your family and friends know you aren’t trying to get more from them.