Post # 1
My FMIL has always been great to me, and we get along great. Her only other daughter-in-law who is kind of a tomboy had a really low key wedding where she bought a $75 wedding dress off eBay that was nice, but is NOTHING like what I want to wear. (Also, if I spent only $75 on eBay or had a dress that looked like that my own mother would set fire to it.) The only people that I want input from for my wedding dress are my mom and myself. My mom wanted to spend $1000 on a poofy princess dress, I talked her down to a $650 dress that was a good compromise – I love it, and my mom is happy with it. My FH’s family, my family, and FH and I are splitting the cost of the wedding 3 ways. At MOST my FMIL would be paying for 1/3 of my dress.
I haven’t told her what kind of dress I’ve gotten or how much it is, because her standards on a wedding dress have been dictated by the $75 eBay dress. She is always like, oh FSIL’s dress was new with tags, it was only $75 from eBay, like bragging about it to other people in front of me. She also says right in front of me, I don’t think a dress is where you should throw money away, dear. She’s making me feel like a spendy bride who isn’t trying to cut corners (when we are actually killing ourselves trying to save money on everything). She has NO IDEA how much we’re spending, and how I’m already fighting my own mother to spend as little money as possible on the dress!!! She also has no idea how much decent wedding dresses cost. FH’s family is a LOT better off financially than my family, and they’ve already made ridiculous demands on catering, etc. My own mom is blue collar hardworking her whole life but wants to splurge on a beautiful brand new (not eBay new) dress for me. And for crying out loud it’s only $650!! How should I handle this? Should I just conceal how much I spent to FMIL? How do I keep calm?
Post # 2
xtals: Yea she doesn’t get a say.. she needs a reality check! Hell mines a few thousand, $650 is SUCH a good price!!
You definitely don’t need to tell her how much you spent, its not her business. If she starts saying things like ‘well we’re paying for it’ or ‘you need to spend this much on this or that’ I would seriously consider trying to finance it without their help. My parents are helping us but there are absolutely no strings attached, they don’t care what we use it for they just want to help and for us to have the wedding we want and I think that’s how it should be. I certainly would never expect it or ask for it but once someone offers, it shouldn’t be conditional.
Perhaps you and your FI need to sit down with them and set boundaries and expectations. Too many cooks in the kitchen by the sound of it! You don’t want this turning in to a stressful ordeal, it’s supposed to be fun! 🙂
Post # 3
xtals: I kind of want to see this ebay dress! (I’m sure it’s gorgeous, just not your taste and that’s ok!)
It’s none of your MIL’s business. Seriously. I brag about what I’ve spent on my dress, but it’s because I love it AND it was a great deal. I do NOT at all expect other people to use my dress as the “standard” of wedding dresses because it’s a little more offbeat. It’s not a poofy princess dress, but it’s not an off the rack / outlet / knock off either. It’s somewhere in between and it’s mine.
Dresses are very personal and she can say what she wants, but you shouldn’t feel like a spendy bride unless there’s some truth to what’s she’s saying. If there isn’t, she’s simply stating her opinion that she doesn’t think a dress is where you should throw money away.
You can absolutely agree on not throwing away money on a dress — you aren’t throwing it away if you’re exchanging $$ for a dress you like or love. You’re throwing it away if you’re exchanging it for a dress you are meh on or dislike. 😉
Post # 4
Miss_E_xx: I agree, I think it’s worth turning down her money for the dress. Don’t even talk dress expenses to her. Just say “I’m looking after my dress and it’ll be a surprise”. Your mother can then help with the dress cost if you want, but it’s not FMIL’s business.
For my wedding, the parents split the cost of the reception and catering, but we (DH and I) looked after everything else. So things like dresses, tuxes, invitations, wedding cake, photographer, decorations, transport were out of our parents’ hands – we could spend as much or as little on them as we wanted. Perhaps you can come to some sort of similar arrangement, where you’re only looking for help for the reception and/or catering.