Post # 1
OK, so my FI & I went to pick up his parents from the airport this weekend, they were coming from his uncle’s wedding. This was an hour and a half drive to Philly and we stopped for dinner on the way back. I spent the ENTIRE time listening to her “suggestions” about everything from the car we should drive for the wedding (“Oh, they had a Rolls Royce for their wedding” to the center pieces that I am making myself “Oh, you should do scented candles” (Sorry, but I do not think that scented candles and dinner mix!). I then to spent the ENTIRE drive back listening to her “suggests” a thousand other reception venues, even though we already put down our deposit! I am really running out of patience and don’t know what to do. She is constantly suggesting things that are much more expensive than we can afford (we are paying for the wedding ourselves, they have not offered to help pay) and we have already made concessions on the guest list, our original list was 60 people, when she was done it was 200! We have compromised and are inviting 120, this is pretty much why we cannot afford the “nicer” venues she is suggesting. How do you respond when your FMIL keeps saying that this and that “is only a few thousand more” and it is YOUR money she wants to spend??
Post # 3
Ignore ignore ignore. Or say something NICELY along the lines of “I’m really glad you’re so excited about our wedding, but we’ve already stretched our budget to what we think it can handle. If you’d like to help us afford a more expensive venue, or help cover the difference for the Rolls Royce and extra candles, we’d gladly welcome the wiggle room”
Post # 4
I agree with KMSull’s response 100%.
Post # 5
What does your FI think about this? It’s his responsibility to tell his mom to chill out with the “suggestions” of stuff you can’t afford, not yours. If he won’t do it, then he’s being a wimp who can’t stand up to his mommy, which would be a bigger problem for me personally than his mom being annoying about the wedding!
Tell him to get her to lay off you guys about anything wedding related. It’s not their place or their right to tell you what to do, especially if they are not contributing financially. That’s really obnoxious.
Post # 6
I agree with Kittiyachi- let your FI deal with his mom.
Post # 7
Ugh, that would annoy the CRAP out of me! But, there really isn’t much you can do. I think you have to practice your fake smile. And then vent to your FI, he’s the one that has to handle that situation. If I have a problem, that’s exactly what I do. He’s pretty receptive to negative feedback about his fam and he’s always willing to help, hopefully that’s the case with your future hubs. Good luck, it sounds like it might be a bumpy ride 🙁
Post # 8
Ugh. You have the exact opposite problem that I do! All I hear out of my FMIL is how we should just go to the courthouse and “why do you want to spend money on all of this crap?”
SMILE AND IGNORE. Or do your best to ignore.
Post # 9
KM’s response is spot on, but it needs to come from your FI… I think they are delusional about the cost of weddings just like most people are these days. 🙁
Post # 10
I agree with the posters above who said to put on your fake smile and politely tell your FMIL that you’d gladly consider those as options if you had the budget for them. When she says, “it’s only a couple thousand more,” you say, “a couple thousand that we don’t have…would you like to contribute the couple thousand?” Or, you can just grin and bear it. That always seems to be the best option. Good luck to you, and I’m praying for your patience to keep going strong!!!
Post # 11
My vote is for grin and bear it, say you’ll think about it, and then do what you want anyway. Or is there something that she can be in charge of that can’t get screwed up too much? Or that is low on your priority list? My thing that I cared least about was decorating, so I gave the reigns to FMIL, who recruited Aunt J, who is a fabulous decorator. Okay, I lucked out on that one…
Maybe if she feels in control of something… (cake table? gift table and card box? Collecting addresses (okay that one sucks)? being in charge of keeping the groomsmen’s info and timeline straight so she can spend time with her son?) You’ll stress no matter what (if you’re me) so pick something that you’re not real picky about.
Post # 12
<p dir=”ltr”>Thanks for the advice ladies! I will definitely try to not let it bother me, but that is so hard sometimes (especially when your trapped in a car!). I also spoke to my FI and he said no problem, he will jump in the next time she starts in on the wedding plans. I don’t think he realized that she was upsetting me, but I was just trying to be polite.
Appleblossom: That is a good idea, I thought having her in charge of the rehearsal dinner would be enough but I guess not! I’ll try to think of something else, but honestly I don’t think anything will satisfy her, she’s a control freak.
Post # 13
I understand what your going through, except its my family that has the problem. My mom says that she likes something and then changes her mind and calls me two days later to tell me how much she hates that idea and to go with something completely different. I’ve known my entire life that she is a control freak, but this is beyond my comprehension. So, I’ve taken on planning the wedding by myself with help from my FI (more emotional than anything else). My entire family keeps telling me that I should get married in Texas over the holiday, because it would be so much prettier and easier for them if I get married there (instead of Santa Fe in January). We’ve put deposits down on everything, there is no way that we will get married over Christmas. (my FI, a school teacher, is paying for the ENTIRE wedding)
I take everything they say with a grain of salt, and try to act as diplomatically as I can…in this situation. I know its hard to do, but you have to just let it roll off your back. It can be over-whelming at times, but you’ll get through it. You have a wonderful support in your FI, you just have to let him know how your feeling.
I agree with letting her have a couple more responsibilities, to let her feel like she is being helpful, even if she isn’t. Give her little “meaningless” jobs, that won’t effect the major scape of you day, with a strict budget to stick to. No major things just minor ones. If she says that its not enough money, tell her that any monitary contributions she would like to make would be much appreciated. That should keep her pretty busy.
Post # 14
Grin and bear it as much as possible. You can always change the subject by asking her what she did about x (centerpieces, venue, whatever she is “suggesting’) at her wedding. She’ll probably like to talk about it. If you are very lucky, that discussion might remind her what a pain it can be to plan a wedding.
Post # 15
I can totally understand the ‘noise’ or interferences u are going t hru. I think I went thru the same. I had my venue changed from outdoors (a park on a hill) to indoors (in a hall). I had so much wanted an outdoor reception and my plans were in line with that. But my fiance’s side want somewhere accessible, unlike in a park on a hill. So within a day,my wedding dreams were dashed.
My fiance however was very sweet & made a decision to compromise. We are having it indoors but in the same park overlooking the area I had wanted initially. So,my indoor theme is going to be a garden-ey kind so I dont really hv to throw my initial ideas actually. =)
I can imagine how u feel,with ur ideas being compared to others by ur FMIL. Mine didn’t compare but I know our ideas are by far and large,different. I still respect & love her,regardless & no one’s opinion matter except urs & ur future hubby! U gotta be a happy bride,no? Tell her so!