Post # 1
So, I think i’ve posted something similar before but it’s getting worse.
Mr. Bee and I are getting married in June and have been engaged since June last year. We are getting married in my hometown which is an hour and half away from FMIL and FFIL. Mr. Bees brother got engaged in october and are plannign a wedding for August in the future inlaws hometown.
Anyway, the story is. Every single time that we all get together (which is at least twice a month) FMIL asks Mr. Bees brother and fiance all about hteir wedding plans. Tells them that she’s been emailing them ideas, decorators, cake stuff, asked her to go to a wedding fair, the same day that I asked her to come up to walk through our reception venue when an actual wedding is going on to get some ideas.
I have emailed my FMIL at least half a dozen times since christmas asking her to join me in wedding planning things and crafty things and I NEVER hear back from her.
So this saturday we met up for Mr. Bees Brothers Bday and once again, it was 5 hours of talking to them about their august wedding. And my FSIL and I even had her looking at mother dresses for the wedding and all she kept mentioning was what the weathr will be like for the outdoor wedding in august for the type of dress she will wear. Not one mentioned our wedding. Then when MR. Bee asked her what about ours…she said oh yeah I forgot i need a dress for yours too. Ours is first!!!!
SO HERES THE QUESTION: How do i go about this so she isn’t offended but let her know that it’s bothering me to the point where I either am starting to think she is against us getting married, hates me or what?! I contemplated NOT even going to the Bday this past weekend because everytime we all get together i feel offended. Should I be? It’s really hurting me and I don’t know how to handle it.
All advice welcome please help!!!
Post # 3
I think the only way you can fix this is by being direct with her. Tell her that you feel as if she doesn’t want you to get married to her son because every time you ask her about the wedding, she talks about his brother’s wedding. It really sounds deliberate to me. I hope you can get this resolved.
Post # 4
🙁 I’d have your Fi talk to her, if it were me. He knows her, knows how to talk to her, how to make her understand that she’s being hurtful, etc.
Did you announce your engagement after theirs? Or has she known FBIL’s FI longer than she’s known you? I mean, is there a reason she’d be more focused (unintentionally) on their wedding than yours?
Post # 5
I think you should just realize that she has a different relationship with Brother’s fiance which could stem from them living in the same town. If this were your mother, I would have different advice but, as long as she is not actually against your wedding, I don’t think it is so important that she see the venue with you. Don’t let her get to you.
Post # 6
It sounds like one of the issues is that FBIL is getting married in their hometown, and you’re not. My FMIL is like this. She’s lived in the town they currently live in for her entire life. FBIL is getting married there and she is psyched. We’re getting married near my hometown and she’s not nearly as thrilled. It’s a “big city” in comparison and she’s overwhelmed.
Anyway, I would have your FI talk to her. I’ve had FI say a few things to FMIL over the last year or so about similar instances. Good luck.
Post # 7
We announced ours in June they announced theirs in October. My fiance and I have only been dating a year and a half and they have been dating for 5 years. But i truly believe that is no reason for her to be ignoring us completely when it comes to our wedding….I do think that my fiance should talk to her, but he’s to afraid to say anything.
Post # 8
@hotchildinthecity It stinks. I am also from a little bit larger city than they are. I’m from 10,000 they are from 900. So it’s just very frustrating.
To us it is important that we include all parents. They went to look at venues everywhere with them.
Maybe I shouldn’t let it get to me, but when you feel like your being hated on, it’s hard to ignore. I mean i get no responses back. Not even an I’m sorry I cannot make it. Just completely ignored when all i’m trying to do is let her know we want her apart of the process as well.
Post # 9
ditto…on everyone who said have your guy talk to her.
Post # 10
Yeah, there’s got to be a reason why she is more excited about FBIL’s wedding than yours. It’s not really your place to confront her about it, if I were you I’d have FI flat out ask her. Because she should at least care that she’s hurting her son’s feelings if not yours. I’m assuming she’s closer to your FSIL and maybe your FBIL is the ‘favorite’ son.
The way I see it is our ‘place’ when it comes to in-laws is to make sure our FI’s/DH’s are happy by the way they are being treated by their parents. That should come first above our feelings about how they’re treating us, unless of course they are doing something malicious and hurtful on purpose. So the fact that your FI is upset about the lack of attention should be the way it is brought up to her and he can add that you’ve noticed it too as FMIL hasn’t responded to any of your emails.
When I go to FI’s fathers house, both his father and step Mom are very nice to me, but clearly doting on him and not me. It was awkward at first before I realized what was going on, they literally would offer him a drink and not me, FI would have to go get me one, and they would ask him what HE wanted for breakfast, as if they weren’t making anything for me adn I’d have to starve. Of course, they made enough for me too and were very sweet about it, but he is clearly the star. I understand what’s going on and I don’t ever say anything, but the second they start to treat him 2nd to his older brother, that’s when I’d step in.
Post # 11
- Wedding: April 2011 - The Tribute Golf Club
I agree, I would have your FI talk to his mom. My guess is that her focus on the other wedding stems from her knowing that future daughter in law longer, and that it is in her home town. Not saying that it is right to not be excited about both, just a possible reason. Good luck, I hope that it gets better for you!
Post # 12
@AshCo: Yep. It’s very frustrating. Getting FMIL to come along to the florist meetings was like pulling teeth when me & my mom were only trying to be nice! She kept suggesting that we go to a florist in her town (which is a rural area an hour from our reception) She constantly suggests photographers, florists, etc. from their area and was disappointed that we did not go with one of the wedding venues they suggested…in the country!
When it comes to the rehearsal dinner, she keeps suggesting places an hour from the wedding in “their” area. Oh, yeah, because that makes sense. Having BMs, GMs, and my family all drive an hour to a place you’re more comfortable with!
Definitely don’t take it personally. People in small/rural/whatever towns (esp. older people) sometimes get kind of stuck in this bubble that they don’t venture outside of. Your FMIL probably feels more comfortable/involved with FBIL’s wedding because she’s familar with the places, vendors, etc.
Post # 13
Moderndaisy, ouch! I’m always horrified to hear stories of perfectly nice people who are such horrid horrid hosts. 🙁
Post # 14
Get your FH to talk to her. It’s hard if he doesn’t want to say anything to upset her, but really she’ll take it with more seriousness than if you said it and it’ll be less likely to blow up into a huge family drama. My FMIL is a pain and a vile, ungrateful woman sometimes but anytime I’ve had a problem with her I’ve asked FH to talk to her about it – also because I could just be seeing something in a different way than how she intended it so it diffuses drama. It’s worked pretty well thus far.
Post # 15
I wonder if the FMIL even knows what she’s doing. Not to say that it isn’t wrong nor to say that your feelings aren’t important, but I think that it’s important that you or your FI point out how this is making you and him feel.
Perhaps she didn’t intend to hurt your feelings? One can only hope.