Post # 1
As some of you may or may not know from my previous posts, my future in-laws haven’t exactly always seen eye to eye with me. From the beginning they have been hesitant to let me into their family and at times my FMIL is down right rude, selfish, and difficult. The problem is she does this in a back-handed sort of way so FI and his two brothers, plus their dad, always chalk up our tiffs to us being “women who need to sort out our differences.” There have been a few occasions where all of the boys, including FI, have stood up for me, but for the most part mommy rules the roost. Sometimes FI thinks it’s all in my head and at times this makes me feel as if I’m going crazy.
Normally, I get angry or frustrated with her. I usually don’t stand down and things escalate because I’m not the type to be walked all over. That being said I am also as polite, understanding, and caring towards FI’s family as possible. I always refer to them as “family” and I make sure to treat them this way as well. I’ve never given them a reason to hate me. I think at one point FMIL even said, “She’s too perfect around us, so she must be faking it!” Excuse me if my parents taught me some manners.
Here is the latest blow. This time I’m not mad. I’m actually really, terribly hurt. FI’s brother has a new girlfriend (I’m talking 2-3 weeks of dating) and she has been invited to spend Christmas with the family. That’s fine because she’s a nice girl and she and I get along well. The thing is she’s never met the boys’ parents because they live 6 hours away. FI’s mom calls last night and says, “Do you happen to know *new girlfriend’s* size because I want to buy her a nice sweater and jeans for Christmas.”
I’m not a jealous person, but the reason why I am so hurt is because she RARELY buys me anything. Last year for Christmas she bought me a wooden spice rack with the $10.00 price tag still on it. I’m not trying to be ungreatful, I just feel like she called the house to make me feel bad on purpose. It’s like she’s saying, “I know you’ve been in our lives for years and your marrying our son, but we’d still like any new girl over you any day.”
I’m just so down now bees. I’m dreading going there for Christmas because I can just picture the guys being like, “Okay we’re going to go do some guy stuff, so why don’t you girls all hang out together.” I’m probably going to be left out and I’m sure that’s the message FI’s mom meant to convey. I miss my mom so much and I wish I could just go home for Christmas, but that’s not going to happen this year. I need some support bees because this time my feelings really are hurt. I just can never win 🙁
Post # 3
No support? Sorry I guess my post was a bit long..
Post # 4
That would bother me too. I would just make an effort to get to know the new gf during Christmas. Who knows…she could be totally cool. As for the gift thing *shrug* try not to let it totally drag you down…It’s sort of petty ya know? You seem better than that! Go and rock that xmas party!
Post # 5
no no you have all our support 🙂
sometime dealing with the in laws is soooo difficult, you don’t know what to do because in anycase what you say/do will be taken wrongly
have that with my two sis in law…
Post # 6
it’s a sucky situation. maybe just be glad you know it’s coming so it’s not a sucker punch on christmas. you can feel what you need to feel now and maybe by christmas, the hurt will have lessened a bit.
Post # 7
@deetroitwhat: She is totally cool actually. She met FI’s brother through one of my friends so I know we can totally get along. I sort of feel bad for her in a way though because I almost feel like FI’s mom is going to be extra sweet to her just to rub in in my face…sort of takes away her genuinely getting to know the girl you know what I mean?
I know I have to be the bigger person I just don’t know how I’ll get through the week without crying. It’s pretty ridiculous that she’s taken so many digs at me that it’s finally wearing me down.
@nil: thanks for understanding 🙂
Post # 8
I understand…and I would be hurt too. Actually, my future in laws treat me the same way. Its not that I don’t get along with them-they just prefer the sisters boyfriends over me. For Christmas last year I got an “I owe you” from his mom. I’m not even kidding. I did get a small gift a few weeks later but seriously? The sisters boyfriends are getting very thoughtful expensive gifts this year. I feel totally lame being jealous but I’m with you-it’s hurtful.
Post # 9
Who needs the sweater and jeans when you got her terrific son! I don’t know that it’s easy, but I think that when you make the choice to see someone for what they are– ridiculous and petty– then you take away their power to hurt you. So shrug, roll your eyes, give it the ol’ “here we go again,” and go give your FI a kiss….
but that’s just what I would do.
Post # 10
If you’re been reading my posts, I know EXACTLY how you feel. Right down to the dollar store spice rack. (I seriously got the same exact thing last Christmas and for my birthday this year? A cheap ass candle. And of course you know all about the whips and handcuffs at the bridal shower).
You have every right to be sad. I would actually be mad if I were you, but I can see you are past that. Jeans and a sweater for girly who is so new she might not even last? I mean, petty or not, I agree with you !
I don’t undestand why your FMIL is making you feel this way. You would think that as her son’s love, she would bend over backwards to make you feel welcome. Is she jealous of you? Because that’s what happened in my case.
So what do you do now? Get drunk before you see her? lol
Seriously, there’s not much you can do. I would, however, sit my fiance down and at least tell him how you feel. It’s his mom, for pete’s sake (no pun intended on your user name) so he should be the one making you feel better or asking Mommie dearest to back off.
They say that when you marry a man you marry his family too. I say “eff that if they keep treating me like Sh!t !”
remember the reason you are with your man and remember that letting her get to you, you are letting her win ! That always works for me for at least a little bit !!! HUGS !!! PM me if you want !
Post # 11
this response is brilliant!
Post # 12
If I were the new girl I would be so weirded out by my new boyfriends parents whom I’ve never met giving me clothing, or anything at all for that matter, for Christmas. And why the hell would your FI know this girls size? Yeah she’d definitely being a biatch on purpose. I’m sorry you have to deal with her. I wish I could tell you how to deal with her, but honestly, besides just putting on your best smile and trying to avoid conversation with or near here, Im not sure what else to tell you. Good luck and merry christmas! I hope all goes well!
Post # 13
Your FI needs to stand up for you. There is no way you should feel like this. You need to explain to him that you need him on your side and that he needs to say something to his mother. It’s ridiculous. If he doesn’t stand up now, he never will. And sadly, you’ll always be 2nd fiddle to her. Put your fott down – you don’t deserve to be treated like this!
Post # 14
@mrs.peters.to.be: awww im certainly very understanding of where you are coming from :/ And let me be clear that my FI has also told me “it is all in my head” and “how do I come up with this stuff”. He always supports me but never really sees “what the big deal is”.
My situation is verrry similar only I was the new girl in the family always trying to be accepted and the one who had been there for a long time was the one everyone adored. Do you know what ended up working really well for me? I became friends with my soon to be SIL. It was super hard at first because I always felt a little upset deep down that she was way more accepted and closer… and FMIL never made comments to her like she does to me. It’s funny now though because FSIL and I talk about our experiences with the family and she actually always feels the same way I do. We have become very close over the last 3 years. 🙂
goodluck to you 🙂
Post # 15
The woman is clearly a bit crazy. She may also be lashing out because her son is getting married….to you…which will make you the most important woman in his life, not her (not that you aren’t already, but you know, that’s what they say). It’s really unfair to make you feel so lonely at Christmas. But you have to realize it is not you, it is her, and honestly, pity her that she A. has no manners and B. concentrates on making people unhappy to probably mask her own unhappiness. And if the guys have a “boy time,” get out of the house. Go see a movie. Go shopping. But don’t even giver her the ability to make you feel less than you are. And ignore, shrug it off, and just don’t let it get to you. And next year….make sure to have your Christmas with your mom and your new husband 🙂
Post # 16
Part of me is hoping that she called with that excuse to gauge your reaction to the jeans/sweater idea because she’s really going to get them for you, but didn’t know how to ask without giving it away.
If that’s not the case, just remember that she has to live with herself all the time in her petty, selfish body. I, too, have a difficult family member who sometimes does things like this, and what my sister and I always end up telling each other is that we can’t change it. I know that’s not very consoling, but just remember: It’s not you. IT’S HER.
And if you need to cry, cry. Sometimes that’s the only way to feel better. <3