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Mine isn't a momma's boy but he definitely takes her side when says or does somethign I feel is inappropriate. As much as it sucks, just wait until she does something inappropriate and he is around...it makes it worth it! My fmil sent me a really rude email the other day, I showed it to him and he finally came around and said "you aren't just picking on her after all". YES!
I have a mummy boy FI too! He doesnt go round there all the time but i think this is due to him always being at work. I think if he had alot more spare time he'd see mummy more! But he is VERY defensive of her. I have had a row with her over OUR wedding and FI is really struggling with it. He jumps down my neck if i as much mention she is out of order. It's like she has some sort of hold over him. It is upsetting as it feels like he puts her feelings before mine. I find the best way of dealing with it is to distance myself. If i'm not around her she can't make me feel that way. It's very hard but your not alone! I think alot of us are going through the same thing. FI just can't think badly of his mum even if she is the one in the wrong!
I am waiting for the day he "wakes up and smells the coffee" where mummy is concerned but she is very manipulative and when he's around she is nothing but the perfect mum!
Wow sassygirl60 I couldn't agree more. My fiance does work a lot. I calculated that we spend less than 10 hours a week with each other awake but he still finds time to go to his mothers for hours on end. He is so defensive of her that it makes me sick. I can't even say her name without him scowling. Sometimes I feel like he's the reason there's tension between us. She tries to be nice to me and I like her but he just doesn't know how to let go. I feel like it will only get worse.
I really hope that my future child girl or boy loves me and is close to me and thus wants to spend time with me and doesn't need excuses to come over and defends me. :)
Are you close to your mother? If not that might make it more difficult but frankly his relationship with his mom sounds familiar to me (to my relationship with mine) and perfectly healthy (IMHO).
I think the problem is in phrasing it as a competition of placing one person's feelings over and under that of another person. I don't think it's necessary to think of it this way. I can love more than one person at one time and I don't rank whether I love my sister, my mother or my fiance more.
You mention that he is super defensive - maybe because he's gotten the impression that you don't like her or are mean about her - I know it would upset a lot if my mom or fiance disliked each other.
I think if you make it clear to him that you like her and try to be generous when talking about her and respectful of the love between them he'll calm down and not overreact to casual comments about annoyance or what not.
Yes! FH is a total momma's boy. Since FFIL passed away it's been worse as she's tightened the apron strings around him and is starting to get very insistant with "When are you coming over next?" and questions of the like. FH knows that I think that his mom manipulates him occasionally and his family guilt-trip him like crazy. He always stands by me though in a fight because at the end of the day WE are going to be a new family unit in the bigger family unit and we need to stand up for each other. I'm so lucky that he understands that.
Arachna - I'm not close to my mother so maybe I don't understand. But there's a problem when he would rather be over his mother's house than ours. There's also a problem when I'm always wrong and if his mother does the same thing she's not. He didn't always used to be like this : (
@littlemissmoo - My fiance says that I'm first and he always stands up for me but I don't feel like he does. I don't know how to make him understand.
yeah, I'm close with my mother, but not in that kind of way
My fiance is his momma's boy. It's not as bad as you, I still voice my opinions, and I made him move 1300 miles away to be with me, so he can't go visit her. but honestly I think it was the best thing for him. I always knew I'd marry someone who was close with their parents, because I am, and I have respect for men who have respect for their parents, but he has always been a goody-little-two-shoes. And while I am close to my parents I also keep many things from them just for sanity's sake.
It was so weird to me when he would tell his parents everything all the time. He still calls them. He wanted to keep his bank account instead of switching to mine just so his parents could wire him money. It seems everytime there is a problem and I offer asolution, something about his mom comes up. Sometimes she has ideas that are soo bizarre and a few times I just outright laughed when he told me about them...well that resulted in a huge fight where we didn't talk for days because I was "making fun of his mother."
Look, I love his mother, she is so sweet and has welcomed me into the family with open arms and I'm thankful for that... but I don't want my opinion to feel inadequate in our marriage because he listens to his momma more...cause that's what it feels like.
I've told him as much and he tries to assure me it won't be like that...
but yeah I kinda know what you mean futuremrstaylor!
@ms spunkin- thats a perfect way to put it!
Look, I love his mother, she is so sweet and has welcomed me into the family with open arms and I'm thankful for that... but I don't want my opinion to feel inadequate in our marriage because he listens to his momma more...cause that's what it feels like.
"It's a problem when he would rather be over at his mother's house than ours."
At first blush this seems completely reasonable and correct. But, if you think about it more I think it really really depends.
Sometimes I'd rather hang out with friends than be home, sometimes I'd rather chat with someone new than with FI, sometimes (shh it's a secret) I'd rather go to work than be at our house (not very often) and yeah absolutely sometimes I'd rather talk to mom. So is it really a problem that he sometimes wants to go over to her house?
The problem is if he always or mostly wants that. That's a pretty subjective judgement though and would be hard to make accurately if you felt threatened or annoyed.
The truth is if he really would rather live with her - he could - nothing is stopping him from breaking up with you and moving in with her. He doesn't want to, he wants to live with you, because he loves you and wants a life with you but it probably hurts a lot if he think you want him to cut off the life he had before he met you.
The relationship between spouses/partners is way different than with parents. I'm a lot more demanding of my SO than my parents because, well, I have to live with him and think of him as an equal while my parents are both owed more because they raised me and I feel more protective of them because they are older. I'm going to let my mom get away with a lot more condensending stuff than my SO, it's just really different. My parents are my roots and my shelter and I owe them care and respect but my partner is my partner with whom I'm living my life.
Also I bet he defends you to his mom if she says anything negative.
It's likely that he would be less irrationally defensive if he felt less like you were attacking him mom and relationship.
1. I love my MIL - but I'm still glad we live in seperate countries for the first few years of establishing our marriage.
2. Has anyone read the book "What do you want from me?" I really enjoyed it - it's about MILs and DILs
My ex-BF had a very manipulative and psychotic mother. She was straight out of Monster in Law. I even watched the movie with her and laughed especially loud at all the parts that parallelled her life. She didn't get it. She's nuts. After four years of watching his parents run his life and getting stepped all over anytime his mom had ANYTHING negative to say to me, I realized something: he wanted someone like his mom. And I was NEVER going to be batshit crazy like her. That was pretty much a relationship killer. I realized he was trying to grow up to be his dad and he wanted me to become his mom. Oedipus much? Ew. No thanks. Wish I had advice on how to handle it, but I never found a way to do it that didn't make him mad at me!
Mine isn't a mummys boy but he is very close to both his parents - his father is a vicar and my FI was the son who managed to get into the church too. His mother is VERY protective over him and his brother and really doesn't like me - luckily my FI doesnt mind this and defends me.
We met in Bristol when I was at university and he still lived near his mother - and now since we have moved back to my home town of Cardiff its really nice because we're close enough for her to be happy while far enough away to be "safe" LOL
I can't personally relate as my FI and his mother have a very strained relationship, but I can definitely tell you it could be a lot worse! My co-worker, a single mom, is the only woman in her son's life and seems to like that way. He has never dated and has very few friends. They actually just recently moved out of their rented place and bought a condo together! Imagine your first huge commitment...home ownership...being with your mother?? She also still goes into the doctors office with him during physicals (why she tells people stuff like this, I'll never know). He's 23 years old. Disturbing to say the least! I could go on and on about this because her stories drive me up the wall and creep me the eff out!
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I need advice. My fiance is a MAMA'S BOY! For most of his life his mother raised him and his younger brother alone. She was also a young parent. They're like the best of friends. He cusses around her, jokes with her, talks to her at least 2x a day and tells her damn near everything.
I am constantly talking to her about something and she'll say...yeah I know...[fiance] told me. That irritates me. We live about 15 minutes from his mother and he always finds an excuse to go over there. He even has packages sent there because we live in apartment. I sometimes feel like I'm third best under his mother and younger brother. I don't think I would mind all this as much if he wasn't so defensive over her. I made the mistake of telling my fiance that I thought the dress his mother picked out for our wedding wasn't formal enough. He got an attitude over this and said I'm always picking on his mother.
Uugh. I swear if he had the choice he would probably still be living with his mother. Any other bees have mama's boys for future husbands? How do you handle it. We've argued over her enough.