(Closed) FMIL v. Bride

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 4
Member
640 posts
Busy bee

Mine isn’t a momma’s boy but he definitely takes her side when says or does somethign I feel is inappropriate. As much as it sucks, just wait until she does something inappropriate and he is around…it makes it worth it! My fmil sent me a really rude email the other day, I showed it to him and he finally came around and said “you aren’t just picking on her after all”. YES!

Post # 5
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I have a mummy boy FI too! He doesnt go round there all the time but i think this is due to him always being at work. I think if he had alot more spare time he’d see mummy more! But he is VERY defensive of her. I have had a row with her over OUR wedding and FI is really struggling with it. He jumps down my neck if i as much mention she is out of order. It’s like she has some sort of hold over him. It is upsetting as it feels like he puts her feelings before mine. I find the best way of dealing with it is to distance myself. If i’m not around her she can’t make me feel that way. It’s very hard but your not alone! I think alot of us are going through the same thing. FI just can’t think badly of his mum even if she is the one in the wrong!

I am waiting for the day he “wakes up and smells the coffee” where mummy is concerned but she is very manipulative and when he’s around she is nothing but the perfect mum!

Post # 7
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I really hope that my future child girl or boy loves me and is close to me and thus wants to spend time with me and doesn’t need excuses to come over and defends me.  🙂

Are you close to your mother?  If not that might make it more difficult but frankly his relationship with his mom sounds familiar to me (to my relationship with mine) and perfectly healthy (IMHO).

I think the problem is in phrasing it as a competition of placing one person’s feelings over and under that of another person.  I don’t think it’s necessary to think of it this way.  I can love more than one person at one time and I don’t rank whether I love my sister, my mother or my fiance more.

You mention that he is super defensive – maybe because he’s gotten the impression that you don’t like her or are mean about her – I know it would upset a lot if my mom or fiance disliked each other.

I think if you make it clear to him that you like her and try to be generous when talking about her and respectful of the love between them he’ll calm down and not overreact to casual comments about annoyance or what not.

Post # 8
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yes! FH is a total momma’s boy. Since FFIL passed away it’s been worse as she’s tightened the apron strings around him and is starting to get very insistant with “When are you coming over next?” and questions of the like. FH knows that I think that his mom manipulates him occasionally and his family guilt-trip him like crazy. He always stands by me though in a fight because at the end of the day WE are going to be a new family unit in the bigger family unit and we need to stand up for each other. I’m so lucky that he understands that.

Post # 11
Member
1932 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2008

yeah, I’m close with my mother, but not in that kind of way

My fiance is his momma’s boy. It’s not as bad as you, I still voice my opinions, and I made him move 1300 miles away to be with me, so he can’t go visit her. but honestly I think it was the best thing for him. I always knew I’d marry someone who was close with their parents, because I am, and I have respect for men who have respect for their parents, but he has always been a goody-little-two-shoes. And while I am close to my parents I also keep many things from them just for sanity’s sake.

It was so weird  to me when he would  tell his parents everything all the time. He still calls them. He wanted to keep his bank account instead of switching to mine just so his parents could wire him money. It seems everytime there is a problem and I offer asolution, something about his mom comes up. Sometimes she has ideas that are soo bizarre and a few times I just outright laughed when he told me about them…well that resulted in a huge fight where we didn’t talk for days because I was “making fun of his mother.”

Look, I love his mother, she is so sweet and has welcomed me into the family with open arms and I’m thankful for that… but I don’t want my opinion to feel inadequate in our marriage because he listens to his momma more…cause that’s what it feels like.

I’ve told him as much and he tries to assure me it won’t be like that… 

but yeah I kinda know what you mean futuremrstaylor!

Post # 13
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

“It’s a problem when he would rather be over at his mother’s house than ours.”

At first blush this seems completely reasonable and correct.  But, if you think about it more I think it really really depends.

Sometimes I’d rather hang out with friends than be home, sometimes I’d rather chat with someone new than with FI, sometimes (shh it’s a secret) I’d rather go to work than be at our house (not very often) and yeah absolutely sometimes I’d rather talk to mom.  So is it really a problem that he sometimes wants to go over to her house?

The problem is if he always or mostly wants that.  That’s a pretty subjective judgement though and would be hard to make accurately if you felt threatened or annoyed. 

The truth is if he really would rather live with her – he could – nothing is stopping him from breaking up with you and moving in with her.  He doesn’t want to, he wants to live with you, because he loves you and wants a life with you but it probably hurts a lot if he think you want him to cut off the life he had before he met you.

The relationship between spouses/partners is way different than with parents.  I’m a lot more demanding of my SO than my parents because, well, I have to live with him and think of him as an equal while my parents are both owed more because they raised me and I feel more protective of them because they are older.  I’m going to let my mom get away with a lot more condensending stuff than my SO, it’s just really different.  My parents are my roots and my shelter and I owe them care and respect but my partner is my partner with whom I’m living my life.

Also I bet he defends you to his mom if she says anything negative.

It’s likely that he would be less irrationally defensive if he felt less like you were attacking him mom and relationship.

 

Post # 14
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor

1. I love my MIL – but I’m still glad we live in seperate countries for the first few years of establishing our marriage.

2. Has anyone read the book “What do you want from me?” I really enjoyed it – it’s about MILs and DILs

Post # 15
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

My ex-BF had a very manipulative and psychotic mother.  She was straight out of Monster in Law.  I even watched the movie with her and laughed especially loud at all the parts that parallelled her life.  She didn’t get it.  She’s nuts.  After four years of watching his parents run his life and getting stepped all over anytime his mom had ANYTHING negative to say to me, I realized something: he wanted someone like his mom.  And I was NEVER going to be batshit crazy like her.  That was pretty much a relationship killer.  I realized he was trying to grow up to be his dad and he wanted me to become his mom.  Oedipus much?  Ew.  No thanks.  Wish I had advice on how to handle it, but I never found a way to do it that didn’t make him mad at me!

Post # 16
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Mine isn’t a mummys boy but he is very close to both his parents  – his father is a vicar and my FI was the son who managed to get into the church too. His mother is VERY protective over him and his brother and really doesn’t like me  – luckily my FI doesnt mind this and defends me. 

 

We met in Bristol when I was at university and he still lived near his mother  – and now since we have moved back to my home town of Cardiff its really nice because we’re close enough for her to be happy while far enough away to be “safe” LOL

The topic ‘FMIL v. Bride’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors