Post # 1
Going anon for this post… My FMIL told FI and I she wants nothing to do with our wedding, but will probably show up on the day.She’s shown little interest in the wedding from day 1, but I guess now it’s a bit different as she’s said it out loud. I don’t want to go too much into what has lead up to this happening, but I will just say FMIL hates my parents for no logical or genuine reason and doesn’t want to be around them. FMIL is a mean and nasty person who says whatever she wants and gets away with it. FI is furious with her and completely and 100% supports me and my family. FI, my parents and I have tried to make her see sense, with all of us genuinely apologising for whatever it is we supposedly have done, but she’s not budging.
So I am beginning to accept the situation, but I don’t know what to do about my upcoming bachelorette and kitchen tea (both held in my hometown which is plane trip away FI and I and FI’s family). Being honest, I don’t want FMIL to come, I don’t want her to ruin the events as she has a track record and she would make me feel uncomfortable the whole time. And I don’t want my family to feel uncomfortable because they have done nothing to deserve her bad attitude (but my parents are supportive (despite also being furious with FMIL) of my decison). But at the same time I don’t want to fuel her fire and make things worse.
My question is do they (my MOH and mother) send her the invites and we hope and pray she sticks to her plan to not attend? Or should they not bother sending her the invite as she’s made her intentions clear?
On a side note, I honestly don’t know how my FI is the amazing, loving and caring person he is given what he has dealt with his whole life.. I can see the scars of his upbringing at times, but that’s to be expected. I feel so horrible for him that he is having to deal with his :'(
Post # 2
anonbee000: Well I’ve never heard of a mother or MIL being invited to the bachelorette, so you’re off the hook there. I don’t know what a kitchen tea is, but I’m assuming it’s some sort of bridal shower? If you don’t want her there, don’t invite her. If she already says she doesn’t care about your wedding and may or may not attend, I wouldn’t waste the energy on inviting her to anything else. She doesn’t sound like a very pleasant person.
Post # 3
Your MIL should not come to your bachelorette- even if you were on good terms. Send her an invitation to the other events, put it in her court.
Post # 4
anonbee000: Sorry you are having to deal with this. If she’s flat out told you and your FI that she ‘wants nothing to do with’ your wedding except PROBABLY (what mother actually says something like ‘probably’ in regards to their own child’s wedding? Geez) show up on the wedding day, then I would take that at face value and not invite her to anything leading up to the wedding.
Post # 5
I’ve never heard of a MIL being invited to a bachelorette party, so you’re good there. For the tea, I’m assuming that’s a sort of shower, hell no I wouldn’t invite her. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to. Honestly, I’d have a hard time inviting her to the actual wedding too since she seems to be hell bent on disliking you and your family.
Post # 6
Fall_In_Love22: eeniebeans: starfish0116: Why all the FMIL hate? Where I am from (and where I suspect the OP is as well since she said she was having a kitchen tea) mums and MIL’s are invited to the bachelorette parties. Both of mine came. My MIL had a blast dancing with a twenty year old and my mother was one of the last ones home whilst a lot of the younger guests headed home much earlier. Why can’t they be invited? Shouldn’t it be the bbrides perogative to invite who she wants to the BP?
anonbee000: I would suggest talking to your mother in law if you can. Just let her know that given what she has already said about not being involved you were unsure about the invites. Also add int hat they will be held interstate and you don’t want to put added pressure on her to attend if she really would rather not. I would say she will just say no.
If you just don’t invite her then you will be giving her another weapon to use. “Anonbee is such a bitch, she invited everyone but me to her kitchen tea. See what I have to put up with!”
Post # 7
I would send the invitations and pray she doesn’t come. If you don’t invite her, it just gives her something else to complain about.
Post # 8
julies1949: Yup! This.
anonbee000: Safest option, no question. There’s probably no winning with her, but stay civil anyways. That way you know you’ve done everything you can and the grouchiness isn’t your fault.
Post # 9
j_jaye: I’m not hating on all FMILs/MILs, where I’m from, nobody invites the FMIL to the bachelorette party. Once in a while the moms will come to dinner, then the younger crowed goes off to so whatever. In my circle of friends, just the bride’s mom will go to dinner with everybody, then head out.
Post # 10
Mothers and mother in laws aren’t supposed to go to the bachelorette party anyway. I’m not sure what a kitchen tea is but I think the safest bet would be to call her yourself and ask her if you should bother sending an invite.
Post # 11
j_jaye: There’s no hate here. In my circle, mothers or MILs are not invited to bachelorette parties. I don’t know anyone who has had their mother or MIL at theirs. It’s just not done in my area and circle. It’s usually all the girls getting wild and crazy – sex toy parties, clubbing, etc. I personally know my mom wouldn’t enjoy those things. If the OP’s mom would, by all means she is free to invite whomever she chooses. The OP has expressed in her post that her MIL wants nothing to do with her wedding, hates her parents, and she herself doesn’t want her to be invited. Therefor, I don’t think she should be obligated to invite her?
Post # 12
anonbee000: She acts this way because she’s allowed to get away with it. At this point, she’s being nasty just for the hell of it so I wouldn’t really worry about making her upset by not sending an invite. I don’t play the whole “you get to demean my family and say horrible things but I still act fake nice” game.
If she mentioned not being invited, I would repeat her words back to her and end the discussion. But I recognize that I’m a lot more blunt than others.
Post # 13
Thank you all for your input. I think it’s helped me make things clearer in my mind.
In answer to some questions, it is not uncommon for MOB and MOG to be invited to bachelorette parties. My mother is coming and although it might be a little awkward at times, after a few drinks it won’t matter! And she’s a good sport. On other hand FMIL is judgemental when it comes to drinking, so I have no doubt if she did turn up she’d have a thoroughly crap time and make it known.
My mother is organising the shower (aka. kitchen tea) and it will be in her home, so I will talk to her about it. I have no doubt she would agree to inviting FMIL if I wanted to, despite the horrible behaviour she has displayed.
I agree with those who said it’s best to invite her and not add anything to her complaints list. As much as I don’t want to send one! But I won’t be asking her as I have no intentions of talking to her anytime soon. I haven’t seen her since the massive argument when she told us her feelings and as far as we know (FI has talked to parents), nothing has changed.
I guess the thing is I don’t feel obligated to invited FMIL. I just don’t know what the “right” thing to do is… but thanks to you all, I now feel the right thing is to send the invite as normal and leave it to her to make a decision. One would hope if she pays for flights, she’d be sure to not forget her positive and civil attitude!
Post # 14
I would send the invite.
It is selfish of her to attempt to dominate your thoughts with unkind words in the run-up to what should be the happiest moment in your and her son’s life.
She will be feeling usurped from her high position in his life and has chosen to display this, showing you that she is not happy with you taking over the most important role in her son’s life, which she previously held. She is mourning this in her own way. It may come across as selfish and rude, but it is her way and you cannot change that. You must not take on her problem, leave it at the gate, with her.
If the behavior continues, she is having trouble adapting to the situation. Again, that is not your prob. Your FI has made his choice.