Post # 1
It’s been a long time since I was on here but I’m having a problem that I really need some advice on.
First, to set the stage. We are 3 months out from the wedding. FMIL is a nice woman. She’s genuinely excited for the wedding and wants to help. I’ve tried to include her more in the details because I do want her to feel welcome and included. Unfortunately, she’s gotten really overbearing on more than one occasion and I’ve had to stop sharing so many details to protect myself and keep her from hijacking the wedding (she called our venue once to try and add things, for example). She wants us to have a nice wedding, but she wants it on HER terms, if that makes sense. She’s upset over my style of dress, and at one point she didn’t want to speak to us for a day because we didn’t want to add a 3rd entree (would add a $1 per head extra that we didn’t see any point in). I’ve tried to take her advice on things that aren’t a big deal to me so that she does get some input and is less offended when I don’t follow her advice.
The thing is, last night she asked if she and FFIL could come over to my parents house the morning of the wedding to watch me get ready. As much as I want to include her, I’m horribly uncomfortable with this. She came with us dress shopping and it was an awful experience. She kept a really critical eye on me and just couldn’t understand how anything would look good because it didn’t ‘lay right’ (aka I’m plus size and I was trying on dresses that were 2 sizes too small). I think having her there will just create a stressful and unhappy wedding morning for me. I can picture it now… everything will be “well that’s nice but you’d look better like this. well that’s ok but wouldn’t this be better?” I’m trying to keep the number of people there as minimal as possible, which is hard because my parents may be hosting family for the weekend.
The other thing I can’t help but wonder is… why doesn’t she want to be with her son on his wedding morning? I told him about it last night and he seemed upset, and was upset because I was upset.
So my question is… is this unusual? I feel like it’s inappropriate and she’s trying to butt in on my family’s special time. And I KNOW she’s becoming my family, but given the fact all she does is cause stress regarding the wedding, I think it’s a bad idea. Do you agree?
The only ideas I have are 1) have FH talk to her and tell her he’s upset at the thought of her leaving and wants her with him on the morning of, and 2) if that doesn’t work enlist the help of FH’s sister, who is also a bridesmaid, to ask her to stay home with him.
Any advice or thoughts would be wonderful. I’m trying to deal with this but I thought some outside opinions might be good!
Post # 3
I had a similar situation with my MIL. I ended up making her “in charge” of all of the boys. It gave her a purpose and out of my hair! good luck to you!
Post # 4
Hmm, well, my MIL came to the salon to hang out with me getting ready, and I probably would’ve invited her to my house. I thought she’d want to spend time wtih DH, but he ended up sleeping in until 10 and stuff. Whereas we were getting ready at 8am and she wanted to hang out with my mom, the girls, her daughter (SIL did our hair) cuz it’s like, a big girl thing I guess. If she caused you a lot of stress, though, then I can see how you would see her as “butting” in. And, yeah, she’s becoming family, but she’s not your blood family and there IS a difference. Sometimes you are just more comfortable around your blood family, not your husband’s family. Especailly since she stressed you out. Totally get that.
Since your FI is upset over this also and sees your point, maybe he can talk to his mom and try to…i dunno, maybe he can take her out to breakfast? And say something like, “you know, we should let Jenn enjoy this special morning with her parents”.
Post # 5
I would definitely put FH on the case for this. FMIL should really be with her son on his wedding morning. It’s lovely that she wants to be with you, but “traditionally” the brides parents are with her helping her, and the grooms parents are with him. Task it to FH though so it doesn’t seem like you’re rejecting her. No mom can say no to their son!
Post # 6
@stlginkgo: i am doing exactly that! my BM’s and i want to enjoy our time together, i don’t even know when my mom will be joining us, so i’m taking the safe route and making sure she keeps FI and his groomsmen in line.
Post # 7
All the weddings I’ve been involved in, the MIL got ready somewhere else and then joined the briadal party a little later on. One was included in getting our hair done, one rode with us in the limo to the venue… I don’t think there’s a set procedure for this. You will have to include where you feel is appropriate.
I definately don’t think it appropriate for her and your FFIL were over while you were getting ready. The only man that could be around at that time is your father. His dad should be getting ready with him and the groomsmen.
Post # 8
Thanks all. It feels good to know that at least I’m not feeling totally out line.
There has to be some kind of middle ground. We’re getting ready in different houses so it’s not like she can pop back and forth from room to room. Also, the moms and at least one of the BMs won’t need their hair done because they wear it so short, but maybe she could come to the salon and then go back home with the boys.
It’s a shame because she can be really nice, but sometimes very manipulative. She has the bad habit of playing on your emotions to get what she wants. Both her and my mom have been trying to push me towards dresses and decor that isn’t me at all. Planning a wedding has felt like an uphill battle! I thought we were pretty much done since almost all the decisions are made, but apparently not.
FH and I will talk tonight after work and we’ll see what we can do. Thanks!
Post # 9
Are you having a photographer? Usually the photographer takes pics of the bride getting ready with her maids and mom and then pics of the groom getting ready with his guys and usually there is the obligatory shot of the mom pinning on her son’s bout. Blame it on the photographer. Tell FMIL you need her to get ready where her son is for the pictures. Fudge the schedule a little if you only have one photographer.
Post # 10
My MIL did not hang out with us the morning of – she never asked to and hope she wasn’t offended that I didn’t invite her to. It was crowded enough with maids, photographers, hair, make up etc. I would be uncomfortable as you said.
I would say try and give her a job – set up something at the venue, pick up or deliver something (bouts or bouquets), help transport people, prep something! That way if she has a job maybe she could stop by before and/or after you’re actually changing. Tell her you’re trying to keep the number of people down to reduce stress and accidents. Let her know there will be photos!
Post # 11
I went through the same thing. A few months before our wedding, my future in laws came to town for the weekend for my shower. Before this, we’d all loosely talked about the day of plans and FMIL and FSIL had plans to entertain OOT guests (all of my husband’s side was from OOT and his mom really wanted to show her friends the city and do a tour of some sort the morning of our wedding.) My husband planned to spend the morning with his best man and my mom, sister, and I were going to get our hair done together. I also decided I wanted to have brunch with my family (brother and Dad) that day and spend some time together.
The weekend of my shower, FMIL invited my mom and dad to do the ‘city tour’ thing with her and my mom said oh thanks, but we’re getting hair done with the bride, etc etc. Please note too that MONTHS and MONTHS before this, I had asked FMIL and FSIL if they needed hair appointments and they both said no thank you (they have shorter hair styles and felt they could do it themseleves and ALSO FMIL REALLY had her heart set on the city tour thing) so by this point, all appointments were made. The day after my shower, my husband and I are having brunch with FILs before they leave to head home and talking about the wedding when FMIL says they will be coming up for the weekend of the wedding on Thursday and she and FSIL are doing the city tour ALONE that night and then FFIL will take the out of town guests on the morning of the wedding. When I ask why they are doing this, FMIL says ‘oh your mom was saying how she and you and your sister are all spending the morning together and that sounded so nice so we decided to do that!’.
I didn’t handle it very well and was quick to say that they had already declined my offer to make appointments and it was too late and they really should do their tour all together like originally planned. WELL needless to say this did NOT go over well and she refused to talk about it after with us and gave DH the silent treatment when he tried to explain to her that the morning of the wedding was a time for ME to spend with MY family.
Your post sounds exactly like what I went through with her. She was more interested in ME and wedding planning as if I WERE HER DAUGHTER and she was MOTHER OF THE BRIDE instead of focused on her son. It was very stressful and she too did things without asking us (buying out of town gift bags a month after we got engaged before we’d even set a date or anything) and insisting on co-sharing the shower with my sister and mom and even TELLING my mom what to do the day of my shower. She had tons of opinions, none of which I agreed with, and was EXTREMELY angry that FSIL wasn’t IN the wedding (even though I did not have ANY bridesmaids and JUST had my one sister).
I said the same thing too DH at the time too (why is she more interested in spending time with me than her own son and family the morning of the wedding? and he too was hurt). It turned out fine – she did her own thing and I actually barely saw her during the wedding! But I know there are MANY hurt and resentful feelings now on both sides still.
My best advice is to portray it to her as this is YOUR wedding day and you really want to spend some quaility family time with YOUR family and have some private special moments with them on the morning of your wedding and encourage her with enthusiasm to find something fun (brunch or something) with her son and her family too. DO NOT give in though. I was VERY firm on this after my shower weekend when DH tried to say to me ‘can’t she just come with’ because I realized that every time I was around this woman, I would feel STRESSED beyond belief and I did NOT want to deal with that on my wedding day. I drew a hard and fast line and stuck with it.
Post # 12
It seems weird that she would rather be with you than with her son. I’d have him talk to her about it.
My whole immediate family will be at our house because they’re helping set up the morning of and our house is closer to the venue. I wouldn’t care if my FI parents were there (we live together) but I’m definitely staking out a guest bedroom and not letting anyone in while I get ready so I don’t have to deal with anyone’s opinions till I’m finished.
Post # 13
this may seem strange, I think that the fact that things are already tense with you and her I just cant stomach why she would want to be there the morning of?? Its all about you and if you feel like it will uspset you I would go with the option #1 to make her son say he wants her with him on the day of and that way no one gets offended and it will not cause a agument.. On the other hand I am wondering if this is her way of reaching out to you and become more close to you? Do what will make you happy it willl be you and your man’s special day so nothing should upset you!
Post # 14
Can you just have your FI tell her it would mean a lot to him to have her with him the morning of? If he’s cool with it, it seems by far the least confrontational option.