Post # 1
FI’s mom has 2 other children that she each gave 10-12K toward their future or toward their weddings – it was their choice. Now it’s his turn to get married and she’s offering the same thing to us. We could really use the money – not for the wedding but when we move next year. It would really help us get on our feet and put towards a new house.
He’s refusing and he’s well within his rights to but it’s just painful. It’s now getting to the point where she’s calling me and trying to get me to take the money and hide it from me. Obviously I cannot do this as accepting it would start WW3 in our house.
I guess I’m just expressing my frustration. I admire my FI for wanting his mom to keep the money and I will respect his decision but JAYSUS!
Tell me how this would make you feel? I’m hoping to hear the goodwil of other Bee’s will motivate me to not be so gutted about it.
Post # 3
@skippydarling: I’m guessing maybe he doesn’t like feeling that he owes her something. Or that she could hold this over him in the future. Or that he has a lot of pride in being able to provide for himself (and you) and not need handouts or other people’s generosity.
Based on my personal experiences getting money/gifts from family, at some point down the line it’s been held above our heads in a “but look how much we’ve done for you/given you” as a way to guilt us into things. So now I’m super leery about accepting gifts, but that’s just me.
Post # 4
@sourcandy: Good point.
I can’t see the FMIL doing this but I can see the FMIL’s husband getting irked.
Post # 5
My SO felt the same way when it was time to talk wedding budget. He just wants to do everything himself or with my help only.
Post # 6
@skippydarling: He knows his mother and the situation. I’d respectfully decline and defer to your FI. Perhaps your FI would be more comfortable letting her contribute to a future child’s college fund?
Post # 7
My exMIL used to give my ex money and he would just waste it…then she would tell people how much she had helped US over the years. I never saw a penny of it!
On the flip side, my parents never mentioned it again if they gave money however my mother likes to guilt trip people so FI and I have decided that we will never accept anything from them just for this reason.
Maybe there have been issues with his other siblings and parents after they got the money so he is trying to avoid that!
Post # 8
@skippydarling: I would never have accepted money from my in laws, but the are the type of people to give you money as a gift and then hold that above you the rest of your life. “Oh remember the time I gave you 5K? We helped you out.” “I gave my son and daughter in law money so I am a good parent.” No thanks.
Your Fi is well within his rights to decline the money. It sucks becuase that amount could go a long ways for a wedding, but I think it is for the best.
Post # 9
@skippydarling: I’d be bummed if my FMIL could afford it and my FH said no. ARGH! WTF dude! 🙂
Post # 10
@skippydarling: My FI would also prefer to do things on his own. He would see that money as a handout. I am not sure if he would let pride get in the way of taking the money or not…I am going to say that he woud still take it because it’s a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you need the money, then you need it.
Post # 11
OP, maybe there’s some back story or extenuating circumstances… it may not be worth it to take the money. Support your FI, he’s the one you’re going to be married to 🙂
Post # 12
@skippydarling: maybe there are strings attached and he doesn’t feel they are worth it.
Post # 13
DH actually felt the same way when our parents offered us money. He said he had been depending on them for so long that he just wanted to do this ourselves. We did end taking money from both sides when they insisted but DH was definitely reluctant.
Post # 14
That would really piss me off, especially since she’s so insistent and has given that sum to his siblings. I would take it and put it in an retirement account. I would tell him after the fact. “Sorry! Can’t take it out until we’re 65”.
Post # 15
@always: If anything I wish we could just use it as an interest-free loan!
But we both know she would never accept a penny if we tried to pay her back. No choice….kind of sucks but I know it would really upset him so…that’s that!
Post # 16
He knows his family dynamic best, so clearly there is a reason for his refusal. Can’t miss what you never had.