FMIL wants to give us a lot of $$$ – FI says NO WAY

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@skippydarling:  I’m guessing maybe he doesn’t like feeling that he owes her something.  Or that she could hold this over him in the future.  Or that he has a lot of pride in being able to provide for himself (and you) and not need handouts or other people’s generosity.

Based on my personal experiences getting money/gifts from family, at some point down the line it’s been held above our heads in a “but look how much we’ve done for you/given you” as a way to guilt us into things.  So now I’m super leery about accepting gifts, but that’s just me.

Post # 5
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

My SO felt the same way when it was time to talk wedding budget. He just wants to do everything himself or with my help only.

Post # 6
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@skippydarling:  He knows his mother and the situation. I’d respectfully decline and defer to your FI. Perhaps your FI would be more comfortable letting her contribute to a future child’s college fund?

Post # 7
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

My exMIL used to give my ex money and he would just waste it…then she would tell people how much she had helped US over the years. I never saw a penny of it!


On the flip side, my parents never mentioned it again if they gave money however my mother likes to guilt trip people so FI and I have decided that we will never accept anything from them just for this reason.


Maybe there have been issues with his other siblings and parents after they got the money so he is trying to avoid that!


Post # 8
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@skippydarling:  I would never have accepted money from my in laws, but the are the type of people to give you money as a gift and then hold that above you the rest of your life. “Oh remember the time I gave you 5K? We helped you out.” “I gave my son and daughter in law money so I am a good parent.” No thanks.

Your Fi is well within his rights to decline the money. It sucks becuase that amount could go a long ways for a wedding, but I think it is for the best.

Post # 9
3735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@skippydarling:  I’d be bummed if my FMIL could afford it and my FH said no. ARGH! WTF dude! 🙂

Post # 10
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@skippydarling:  My FI would also prefer to do things on his own. He would see that money as a handout. I am not sure if he would let pride get in the way of taking the money or not…I am going to say that he woud still take it because it’s a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face. If you need the money, then you need it.

Post # 11
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@Luayne:  +10

OP, maybe there’s some back story or extenuating circumstances… it may not be worth it to take the money. Support your FI, he’s the one you’re going to be married to 🙂

Post # 12
6171 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@skippydarling:  maybe there are strings attached and he doesn’t feel they are worth it.

Post # 13
6457 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

DH actually felt the same way when our parents offered us money. He said he had been depending on them for so long that he just wanted to do this ourselves. We did end taking money from both sides when they insisted but DH was definitely reluctant.

Post # 14
91 posts
Worker bee

That would really piss me off, especially since she’s so insistent and has given that sum to his siblings. I would take it and put it in an retirement account. I would tell him after the fact. “Sorry! Can’t take it out until we’re 65”. Wink


Post # 16
7230 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He knows his family dynamic best, so clearly there is a reason for his refusal. Can’t miss what you never had. 


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