Post # 1
My FMIL wants to host a bridesmaid brunch, and I thought it would be nice to let her be involved with the girls by doing this. I later learned that the bride’s mother often plays hostess to the bridesmaids and have asked Future Mother-In-Law to let my mom help in any way she can, explaining that mom would like to be involved too.
My Future Mother-In-Law is a very sweet lady, but she tends to take over the aspects that she is planning – she chose our rehearsal dinner location in spite of our preferences to have something less formal, and now she is planning a bridesmaid event that seems to be more to her taste than for my bridesmaids (I wasn’t given an option of chosing a different event). In chosing the date, I was told that it HAD to be between certain times on a specific day of the week and we’ll just have to make it work for as many of the bridesmaids as we can (there are 5). Oh, and she hasn’t contacted my mom about the brunch yet.
How do I take control of this event that is supposed to be a thank you to my bridesmaids, without offending? I wonder if I’m being a bit ingrateful since she is paying for the rehearsal dinner, and our honeymoon, and I should just let her do her thing.
Post # 3
Could you ask her if she’d be willing to host a separate party for you and the bridesmaids, and let your mother do the brunch? You could try telling her that it means a lot to your mother, and she’d really like to plan it. It can be tough, since you’ve already told her she could host, and if she’s unwilling to let go of the reins, I’d say you’re pretty much stuck with letting her do it.
If that happens, maybe your mother could host another event that is more suited to the bridesmaids’ tastes and schedules. Just be sure to include your Future Mother-In-Law on that invite list as well. 🙂
Post # 4
Are any of the bridesmaids related to your FMIL? If not, I’d say (and ummmm…. maybe i’m being rude) let Future Mother-In-Law have her brunch, then have a second and don’t invite her. If she found out, she might be hurt. But if she isn’t likely to find out, then I would think that inviting her to the second ill make her feel her brunch was not appreciated.
Maybe better, could you be honest with her and say that you thought it was such a lovely and generous offer, but that you simply goofed? That you didn’t realize until afterwards that the MOB was supposed to help, and that it would hurt your mom’s feelings if she didn’t get to plan it? Maybe your Future Mother-In-Law will be understanding.
Post # 5
Why doesn’t your mom just call her to thank her first for her generosity and then offer to help her. Tell her to be specific b/c if she says "tell me what I can do" it sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law will say "oh nothing! thank you!" Your mom should offer to take care of one or two details – desert, bring flowers for the table etc.
I would not have two brunches. If your Future Mother-In-Law found out she’d be really upset and I’m sure your maids would feel funny attending two events that have the same purpose. I know I would.
Your Future Mother-In-Law is being super generous with what she’s taking care of so tread lightly. Hopefully your mom understands that for the sake of peace with your in-laws that she needs to take a step back from this particular event.
(also just b/c your mom is "supposed" to host the even doesn’t mean she has to. my in-laws are "supposed" to host our rehearsal dinner but they aren’t)
Post # 6
Just to clarify my earlier suggestion, I don’t think your mother should host a second, identical brunch for the bridesmaids. I meant that if your Mother-In-Law will not take their schedules and tastes into account as you suggested, maybe your mother could throw another party that in no way resembles your MIL’s, so that your mom isn’t stepping on MIL’s toes. The second one could be an evening cocktail party, or a picnic with a bouncy house. Don’t call it a "bridesmaid’s luncheon" or anything, and just have fun celebrating all the wonderful women in your life!
Post # 7
Is this strictly for your bridesmaids only? Or will she be inviting other people – i.e. future aunts, cousins, sisters -in laws?
My sister’s Mother-In-Law hosted a bridal shower for her, and all the invitees were future in-laws, plus 2-3 of my sister’s friends (myself included, and we both flew cross country for this).
Perhaps, if your Future Mother-In-Law is playing "host" then she can pretty much do what she wants? If your mom would like to co-host, then it sounds like she also wants to split the cost? Or does your mom want to just help with the planning in an "assistant" role?
I don’t think you can take control of the event – maybe you can plan a separate thank you bridesmaid event for just you and your bridesmaids ("just the girls") to something that suits your taste better.
I agree with Habibi about talking to your mom about it, and to just let your Future Mother-In-Law do what she wants for this one. Your mom should understand that you don’t want to start your marriage on bad footing with your FMIL!
Post # 8
Thanks for all the input! Ms. Tofu, Future Mother-In-Law is inviting 2 others, and my mom said she’d like to split the cost.
I think one of the things I’m worrying about is that I found out from a future sis-in-law, that for her bridal brunch, the bridesmaids were asked by Future Mother-In-Law to bring gifts for the bride, though they had already thrown a shower and given the bride gifts.
I have thought of taking the girls to get pedicures or something like that afterward. . .
Post # 9
Hmm.. can you talk to your Future Sister-In-Law about your FMIL? It sounds like she can maybe relate to what you are feeling. Or just talk to your Future Mother-In-Law directly. After all, if this is a "thank the bridesmaids" brunch, why would the bridesmaids bring gifts for the bride? You could tell your Future Mother-In-Law that you want to give gifts to your bridesmaids during the brunch, and somehow work it in that you don’t expect any gifts from them for you – as they have already given so much of their time and effort with other things, not to mention the shower gifts!
Would your mom be ok with contacting your Future Mother-In-Law about the brunch – instead of waiting for it the other way around? Maybe if your Future Mother-In-Law receives a call from your mom, then can open communication and start talking and discussing the brunch together.