Post # 1
I’m stewing over this, and totally losing my perspective. Help me out? Here’s the situation:
One of my bridesmaids is my FSIL (FI’s SIL, not his sister). A couple of months ago she offered to throw a "party or shower" for FI and me near FI’s hometown, to meet his family and friends – he’s from the South, we live in NYC. I said that I’d love to have some kind of event and thanked her, and asked if we could schedule it for sometime after my semester ends.
This weekend, FI and I decided on a good weekend for us to go south for this. I emailed FSIL to ask about it, and he mentioned it to FMIL over the phone.
FMIL said that it should not be a shower b/c people would feel obligated to bring gifts, and she doesn’t think they should be. FSIL just emailed back approving the weekend and asking "what kind of shower"? It seems clear that she’s excited about the "shower" aspect and likes talking about shower themes.
Here’s the problem: I want a shower, but not a fight with FMIL. I feel totally caught in the middle. If I go ahead and make it a shower, FMIL will be upset. If I tell FSIL about the drama, I’m causing more tension between her and FMIL (that relationship seems strained already). And if I pretend that I just want a non-shower party, that’s just lying.
Thoughts? Advice? Hive hugs? Thanks 🙂
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2009 - St. Thomas of Villanova Church & the F.U.E.L. House
How about a hive hug? (((((hug)))))
Could you let both have their way — two showers, one non-gift and one gift?
Post # 4
My mother is the same way and it is WEIRD! You should have a shower! The MIL is the one who perspective is 100% off!!
I think you deserve a shower and people LIKE to give gifts.
I can really understand this becasue I grew up the exact same way as your FMIL actions..my mother never gave me a bday party as a kid and when I was allowed to have bday sleepovers, she told all the parents to not send gifts. My grandpa told me to invite my great aunt to the wedding, but to tell her no gifts are expected becasue she may feel like she has to bring a gift. For some reason I was raised to feel that I am not to expect anything from anyone beause that is just "pushing it". I think this is totally wrong!
If everyone else gets showers and gifts…..then why are YOU the one girl who is not supposed to "expect" it?!
Post # 5
I don’t think it’s wrong of you at all to want a shower! It seems that part of what might be getting your FMIL’s goat is not having control over the planning, especially if her relationship with your FSIL is already kind of tense? Perhaps you and your FI should talk to your FMIL and stress how excited you are to meet his family and friends and while it might be called a shower on the invites, you will also have FSIL make sure to stress to the guests that gifts are not required! I’m sure there’s a tactful way to word that on a shower invite =). I’m not sure if that will enough for her, but it’s a start.
Post # 6
Uggh, sorry you are going through this. I know you said you didn’t want to burden your FSIL but I think the best thing would be to talk to her. Explain what your FMIL said and express that you did kind of want a traditional shower as planned, but don’t want to step on any toes. I would bet for sure the FSIL will want to handle this for you and let it be known to MIL that she (FSIL) is hosting the shower and it IS going to be a traditional shower and if she feels it is in bad taste (which of course it is not) it bears no reflection on her (FMIL.) Hope it all works out! Let us know!
Post # 7
WEIRD. Isn’t the point of showers to introduce guests to guests before the wedding? I always thought of the gifts as secondary (but GREAT, seriously). I think if you want a shower and FSIL wants to throw you one, that’s between the two of you.
Post # 8
talk with FSIL about it, but can’t you also talk with your FMIL…or your FI talk with your FMIL?
Look, let’s be honest here, gifts are a big part of showers! People come to "shower" you with gifts and they almost always want to do so! I love picking out gifts for my friends’ showers and seeing what they receive from others.
Best of luck.
Post # 9
Even if it’s not labeled a shower, people are goign to bring gifts! It’s tradition, and most people would feel weird not bringing one to an event that’s FOR the bride! Your FMIL is being weird about it.
She isn’t throwing it, so it shouldn’t be any of her business as far as I am concerned! If she doesn’t like it, she can throw you a "tea but no gifts please" fiesta extraordinaire.
Post # 10
Ugh. I hate when moms/MILs pull this crap. It’s not up to them! It’s not about them!
When I hear about these MILzillas, my instinct is to not conform to their wishes because it sets a bad precedent. First it’s the shower, then it’s the wedding stuff, then it’s holidays, how you raise your kids, etc…
It is a tough position.
Perhaps just have your FI call his mom and say, "Sorry mom- it’s already done. We didn’t realize you would have such a strong opinion. However, plans are already in the works. WorcesterBride and I are really honored and excited about it and FSIL is really looking forward to hosting it. I know you don’t want to disappoint everyone. It will be lots of fun to see everyone, and that’s what’s most important. Just relax and enjoy having your family together!"
I don’t think you or your FSIL should get into it with MIL. Let your FI do the talking.
If you make it clear that the plans were put in place before she expressed her disapproval it will be less like you are going against her wishes (hopefully).
If she makes a fuss just ignore her. It’s not her decision to make- it’s not in her honor and she’s not hosting.
Post # 11
Has she never heard of a bridal shower? That’s soooo weird she would butt in and say not to call it a shower.
Post # 12
That is ridiculous! There is nothing wrong with having a traditional shower, and you shouldn’t feel bad for wanting that. Furthermore, it sounds like your FSIL wants to throw one for you. IF you FMIL doesn’t want that, she can throw you her own, separate, tea get together where gifts are not required.
Post # 13
I say go with the shower! No one feels like they have to bring a gift…its just a fun time…and if someone doesnt want to go then they wont go! Have your fiance talk to her and explain whats going on. im sorry your in the middle.
Post # 14
What a weird situation to be put in! Well it seems like the shower was not your idea in the first place or anything, so how could your FMIL be annoyed with you about it? Don’t feel bad about having a shower — other commenters are right; people will bring gifts if they want to, whatever the party is called! Is the FMIL really going to put up a fuss about it? Sorry you’re feeling stressed over this… I wouldn’t worry too much about it. And be happy that you have a FSIL that just wants a celebration for you 🙂
Post # 15
I think you should go ahead with the shower. Especially if your FSIL wants to throw you one! Sounds like the FMIL has general confrontational issues, if her relationship with the other daughter-in-law is strained.
Maybe to meet them in the middle….you should request to your FSIL not to list where your registered. That way guests don’t feel obligated to bring something. Then, if guests really DO want to get you a gift, they’ll inquire with her for that info.
Good luck! Sounds like the future in-laws are already causing some waves….
Post # 16
I have to say that is a little crazy. Are only women going to be invited? If so, that’s a shower to me! If couples or families are going to be invited, perhaps you could "rename" it to an engagement party? People will still be all about bringing you gifts, but maybe that’s the way to approach it rather than calling it a shower. Either way, I’m terribly sorry that you have to deal with this stress! If your FSIL wants to throw you a shower, she should be able to!