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I would say something to FMIL. Is your mom's dress returnable if FMIL refuses to change colors? I would give your mom a heads up about the situation also.
I guess I don't think that wearing the same color should be such a big deal. Do you really care? If not, maybe you can just sit down with your mom and say that your FMIL is looking for a teal dress but she's mostly found ones in brown so far that look good on her. Can she really be thaaaat angry about it? Just an opinion!
the mom's are suppost to compliment the bridal party and each other. imagine them both standing in a picture together. they both want to equal stand out that night.
Ugh, you're right, the last thing you need to deal with is mom dress drama! I think if I were in your situation, I'd gently remind your FMIL that your mom's dress is chocolate brown and that it would really mean a lot to you (and her) if she didn't chose the same color. You could even say something about how you would like them in different colors because it will photograph better, or something, if you think it will help. Reiterate how great she looks in teal/turquoise and offer to help her look for something in that color.
If this doesn't work and she still seems to have her heart set on wearing chocolate brown, then I'd mention it to your mom. If she will get upset by this and there's no way to avoid it, you'll want to give her a heads-up sooner rather than later.
Good luck!
I could honestly care less what the heck they wear!!
I am more concerned that my mom will be annoyed at FMIL for picking the same color as her since she knew all along what my mom was wearing and deciced to "wait til July or August" to look for a dress. All their dresses are returnable (Nordstrom types).
Also NB: FMIL would not be like "oh golly gee I forgot." I mean she already knows my mom is wearing brown and apparently doesn't think it's a big deal.
Have your fiance say something to FMIL. That's our protocol for any 'bad news' or 'uncomfortable discussion'.
Can you do some online shopping and send your fmil links to things you like? I would also give your mom a heads up so that she can change if she thinks it's that important. Our moms are wearing similar colors and it doesn't bother any of us.
LOL I have sent her links to other dresses - no word yet on her success! I was hoping that between the time she told me this (a few wks ago) and now she would have found something else so I wouldn't need to get involved.
Can't have FI say anything to her - it would be WAAAAY to obvious I put him up to it. Way.
Hmm, if FI can't say anything and she doesn't seem to mind wearing brown when your mom is already wearing brown, consider making a comment disguised as a joke. Like, "I didn't suggest Brown on purpose because I want people to be able to tell you two apart!" or "I don't want guests to be confused about which one my Mom is!"
And if she still doesn't get it have a mini heart-to-heart and tell her that your mom would never say anything, but you think she might be upset. If both of those strategies don't work, tell your mom ASAP so she can consider wearing something else if it really bothers her that much. I doubt it will come down to that though.
If your mom is traditional (like my mom!) she will likely be really upset about this. I would talk to your FMIL or have your fiance do it. Some people just aren't aware of the etiquette especially if they've never done it before. You might want to find some "proof" to back up the etiquette claim. For example, when I first started planning my wedding, my fiance printed out the "MOG guide" from The Knot and gave it to his mom. She honestly didn't have any idea about half the stuff due to lack of experience.
Perhaps FMIL wants to wear the same color so as to not stand out too much? Or maybe she actually thinks it would match better that way? People always have such differing ideas on what's right or best to do, and I definitely don't think she has mal-intent. If your mom really truly would be offended, I would warn her in advance, but maybe talk to her about it and try t convince her it's not too big of a deal? if it is a huge deal, I would have your mom talk to FMIL about it herself (if they're in contact.) Otherwise, I guess you could explain your mom's feelings and see if that will help FMIL change her color.
It's a big deal? Oops, I didn't know. :) I kind of hoped they would get the same color.
I thought there's actually a tradition for the 2 mothers to coordinate colors of their clothing. Maybe you should ask your mom if it's kewl with her. Hopefully, your mom won't care. Avoid giving her the impression that FMIL purposely chose to upstage her but rather just coincidentally chose a similar color and figured that 1) it would actually be nice to be coordinated or 2) not a big deal.
It's up to the MOB to let the MOG know what she's wearing so they will not clash. Other than that, they are grownups and can pick their own outfits. I like the idea of similar color, not the same dress, but if your mom doesn't, just tell her this is how it's going and ask her if it's a big deal. If she wants to go there, let her do it on her own.
I would try to bring it up in a light hearted manner. When she shows you the dresses "Oh, how lovely. Chololate brown? That's the color of my moms dress! I guess you guys will be twins. Haha." Be a bobble head.
I don't think it's that big of a deal, honestly. At least she's not wearing white or ivory!
Seriously I would rather she wear white or ivory - I honestly do not care about it, but my mom does!
Technically the brides mom gets her dress and than the grooms mom follows in that same direction ... that's what I've always heard.
I didn't do that though ... my grooms mom found her fabulous dress on vacation shopping and my mom found hers shortly after.
My fsil... who is the best mans wife and ring boys mom is wearing "champagne" though ... which really means ivory and I was really unhappy about it but let it go and moved on.
I'd let your mom know and let them hash it out. I know it's frustrating, but so beyond the scope of what we should have to handle. I'm sorry that it has to be so complicated... sometimes people are just kind of clueless.
Have your fiance talk to your FMIL about it. He can be straight that it's coming from you. He can say, "Erin has told me that her mom is wearing chocolate brown, and it's really important to her mom that each mom wear a different color. Since you're open to wearing any color, can you please try and get a dress in another color? It would mean a lot to Erin's mom." Since you are a couple, your problems are his problems and vice versa. Your fiance has a stake in this too. And it will be easier for your FMIL to hear this from her son than you. That's what I would do :). Good luck!
Your mom can handle it - this isn't your problem. Let your mom know what you know and leave it be. I personally like it when the mom's have matching colors... it's really not a big deal.
I totally see your point. I am sorry you have to deal with it. It seems weird to me that if your FMIL knows its an issue, that's she's ignoring it. Is she normally this type of clueless/oblivious? I know you said she knows your mom's dress is brown...but have you directly told her that if she also gets a chocolate brown dress that your mom will feel uncomfortable? That seems like that might be the only solution, other than just telling your mom and letting her deal with it. I'm sorry about the drama! Such a pain. hughs!
I'd say leave it. She knows what color your mom's dress is. I know that the ONE thing that my mom cared about was that neither I nor any hypothetical FDIL told her what color to wear to a wedding.
I'd just tell your Mom and let her deal with it so you don't have to.
I would talk to your mom... she might not even care, you never know! IMO, it's not a big deal... it might even look cute for the moms to match. :)
If talking/sending links to your FMIL doesn't work, I would gently talk to your mom about the situation and try to mend her feelings. Offer to help her find another dress like you have been and explain how important it is to you that she feel beautiful and special on your day :)
good luck! hugs!
Just fyi... my fiances brothers mil and mother wore the same color ... different dresses and I think that the pictures look so amazing.
I would tell your mom and see her reaction. Maybe in the end your mom won't really mind? I think at this point you've done all you can do and it really sucks if your mom gets her feelings hurt, but you've really been trying and you can tell her that. Maybe she'll want to have a chat with your FMIL and they can work something out?
My mom would be really upset about this. Etiquette dictates that the mother of the bride picks her dress first and lets the mother of the groom know, so she will choose something different and complimentary. However, a lot of people don't know this. She probably thinks its a good thing to match - some people do that, so I'm sure she doesn't mean any harm.
I would just be honest with her - "I'd really prefer that you not wear the same color as my mom." It's really that simple. I don't think you should worry too much about telling the truth!
Also, you should tell your mom. Maybe she won't care as much as you think she would, or she might have a good suggestion on how to go from here. Maybe she's changed her mind on her dress and wants to wear teal, and all will be well! :)
I am interested in finding out how this turns out. I have seen many weddings where the mothers wore the same color but different dresses and they looked amazing. My Mom and FMIL are wearing the same color but the dresses are so different that I know they both will look fab at the wedding.
I don't really get this, why does it matter if both ladies wear the same color dress? Isn't it also possible that guests might wear a brown dress too? I think it shouldn't even be a cause for concern, especially bc unless they wear the exact same dress, it won't even be noticed by anyone...and if your maids are wearing chocolate brown then it will just look like everyone is matching, which is totally fine...sorry but i think FMIL should get to wear what she likes and your mom shouldn't be bothered by it...
Wow, is this really a thing? That the MOB and MOG don't wear the same color? I had no idea.... I'm with rungurl10, it seems silly to me. On the other hand, if this is going to be an issue, I would talk to FMIL. Say something like,
"I would really love it if you would choose a dress in teal. This way you and mom would both stand out as individuals in the photos. Besides, you really do look stunning in teal and this is a big day for you, too!"
I think MissRain's idea is right-on. Make it about how you want FMIL to stand out from the pack and she will likely become (re)motivated to look for a teal dress.
Let us know how it goes!
I' m sorry you're having to deal with this! My mom would be the exact same way if my MIL chose to wear the same color. And...my mom would hold a grudge for eternity. I love my mom but it would really get under her skin.
This situation happened to my SIL at her wedding. My MIL had picked out a kelly green dress after the MOG chose taupe. 2 weeks before the wedding the MOG changed her mind to a sage green. So my MIL had to get another color dress because she thought people would be talking about it all night. Really? I don't think people would be gasping that it was in the same color family.
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My mom got her dress for my wedding like 4 months ago. My FMIL has known what color she is wearing for months. Back in May my FMIL mentioned to my mom that she thought she might wear the same color too (chocolate brown). FMIL asked my opinion on what color to wear. I told her a deep teal - she loves turquoise and it's beautiful on her.
Fast forward to 2 months before our wedding. FMIL hasn't been looking for dresses as long as my mom, but ordered a few from Nordstroms. What color are they? Chocolate brown. I asked her about other colors she might wear and she said she's still holding out for a dark teal dress.
My mom IS the type of person that would be upset if FMIL wore the same color. FMIL and entire future fam is not exactly up to speed on wedding etiquette/don't think things like wearing the same color as the MOB is a big deal. I can't put my FI or any FSIL up to telling her b/c she will know it came from me.
I haven't told my mom yet. Ugh this is the LAST thing I want to be dealing with.
What should I do?