Post # 1
My FH does not have a close relationship with alot of his very large family (some he hasn’t spoken to in over 10 years), but my Future Mother-In-Law is trying to make us invite them all because she’s worried their feelings will be hurt. Keep in mind, we are having a small wedding (I really want to keep the guest list under 100 people). If we invite everyone she wants us to, it puts the guest list at nearly 200. My FH and I are paying for this whole shindig and not only can we not afford 200 people, but our venue will not work comfortably for that many either. And regardless of money and space, my FH absolutely does not want these people there.
How can we get her to understand that this is our day, our decision, without upsetting her???
Thank you for any advice you have
Post # 3
He just has to tell her that. FH and I had to do the same thing. We told both of our parents that we were making the final decision and they just had to deal with it. If we had kept all of the people that our parents wanted us to have we would have ended up not being able to invite who WE really wanted to. Theres no right or wrong way and there is certainly no easy way either. You just need to put your foot down and tell her. Good luck!
Post # 4
Like to drugs “just say no.”
I know it is more difficult but esp if you’re paying others don’t get to invite guests. So tell he when she gets married she can invite whover she wants but this is YOUR wedding. In the end I assume you’re sending out the invites and not her? right? So don’t send them to the people.
Post # 5
Yup. Just say “I totally understand, but we simply can’t double the size of the wedding.” If she complains, tell her your venue doesn’t hold that many anyway. You’re at capacity. You’re done. Your Fiance can suggest his mother host a post-honeymoon reception if she wants everyone there.
Post # 6
We had the same problem with my Mother-In-Law (and the same family situation with DH’s extended family). We ended up sitting down one night (me, Darling Husband, Mother-In-Law, FIL) to talk about the guest list. It took several hours of going backand forth, but we managed to get her to cut the list down to a managable size.
The one “saving grace” was that Mother-In-Law then held a “back home” reception for us after the wedding. OP – if you guys aren’t doing a Destination Wedding, your Future Mother-In-Law could do a “after the honeymoon party.” In our situation, my Mother-In-Law organized and paid for the entire back home reception (I was very up front about how we could only pay for one wedding, and it was going to be the wedding we wanted). But she was so insistent on including “great aunt mary” and “bob, the second cousin twice removed” that she just ran with organizing (and paying for) the 2nd reception we had to satify the extended family obligations.
Edit: I do love the PP suggestions on just telling her “no,” but we did try that. The first time she sent me her 125-person guest list (for our 100-person wedding), I tried telling her no – she had to cut the list down to 50 people. She sent me an email with a new guest list, telling me she had “cut it down”…she only cut 2 people off the list. I honestly thought she made a mistake and sent me the wrong file…turns our she was just flat-out unwilling to cut the list down further…..until we all sat down around their kitchen table and basically said “Unless you want absolutley NO say in who is invited, no one is leaving the table until we edit this guest list.”
Good luck – oh the joys of dealing with future in-laws!
Post # 7
@burger26: I had this same problem – my in laws both come from large families. We discussed them inviting about 60, she sent me a list of around 180 and I freaked out. She told me that most wouldn’t come and that a lot would be horribly offended if they weren’t invited. We cut some (and I feel guilty about this, because she cut some close family friends who, in the end, could’ve come and sent a gift anyway) and she was right, most people couldn’t come. I had also envisioned around 100 but ended up with around 130 – in the end it didn’t matter, we were touched that so many people DID come and the day was lovely. So I don’t think the solution to this sort of problem is always “just don’t invite them” – I think you, your Fiance and both your families need to sit down for an adult, serious conversation and find a solution together.
Post # 8
@KatieColorado: That’s interesting that you say that, because that was her logic too “Most of them won’t show anyways”. My FH doesn’t have that confidence though and thinks they will make it a point to come out of spite, and it’s risky to invite people and assume they just won’t show.
I really appreciate everyone’s advice, so Thank you!! Thus far, this is the only stress I am experiencing with the wedding planning thus far, and only have until September … Keeping my fingers crossed for smooth sailing the rest of the way. (Hey, I can dream can’t I?? )
Post # 9
I personally loved my fiance’s response to his family when they kept suggesting a bigger wedding, or at least a big reception. And he pulled this off with a totally straight face, which was amazing… “Oh, I didn’t realize you were going to help pay! That’s awesome!” Totally unprompted. At that point, they backed down, we booked our venue and the guest list was capped.
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I would point out to her that it would totally not be meaningful for them to see the two of you get married. At the end of the day it’s about you guys vowing to spend your lives together, not about making sure peoples’ feelings don’t get hurt. If they wanted to come, they should have fostered a relationship with him.
Post # 11
@burger26: I would tell her if she wants to pay for her guests then she is more than willing. I was ahving the same issue, and my friend nailed it when she siad that sometimes those with the smallest wallets have the biggest mouths. But if the issue is that you FH doesnt want them there he should really be the one to address this with his mom. It’s not your responsibility, and it may be a little akward for awhile between you and FH but it wouldnt be fair to you for him to just figure you will take care if it. I can speak from experience bc it was precisely this way with FH and I until he realized it wasnt fair to me.
My FH still feels anxious over the whole no kids wedding and that my flower girl and ring bearer will be there. He thinks his family is going to get upset that those kids will be there and their kids couldnt! I keep telling him that the wedding party doesnt count, and would he expect for them to get rid of the kids once the reception starts?
Post # 12
@MariContrary: That’s awesome!
I’m really astonished by couples who pay for thier own reception but use thier parents’ guest list.
I feel incredibly lucky our parents paid and they didn’t even invite anyone becase it was our wedding and not theirs.
Post # 13
We are having a small wedding. I really didn’t want more than 35-40 people, but my mother has talked me into 50. I refuse to add anyone else, simply refuse. We want a small, intimate affair so that we can have a blowout honeymoon. Some people don’t understand this and think its selfish, but it is our wedding so I think its perfectly fine to be selfish . All of our close relatives that we actually know and keep in touch with will be there, we just didn’t go crazy with acquaintances, coworkers, very distant relatives, etc.
Post # 14
Weddings cost a LOT more today than they dod in the past. Share with her just how much it will cost per guest and since you are paying for the wedding yourselves, the number of guests must be limited. The “offended” relatives will get over it.