- 3 years ago
- Wedding: April 2015
My FMIL is such a nice woman, she is so gracious and caring and just a good person. However, she often times comes off as pushy and invasive. She lives on the other side of the country, and I have only met her in person two times. She doesn’t really have any personal boundaries and often times I find myself very uncomfortable around her.
I so very much want her to like me. I see what happended with her other son and his wife, and I do not want that for my and soon-to-be husband. My FSIL struggled with many of the same things I do with our MIL. My FSIL spoke up, tried to set some boundaries. It blows up in her face every time and the FMIL bad mouths her to the entire family and no one on the FMIL’s side likes her. For example, my FBIL & FSIL live a few hours drive away from my FMIL. When my FMIL comes to visit, she takes an absolutely absurd amount of pictures of her grandsons (by anyone’s standards). I mean, she sits there taking pictures nonstop like it was a photoshoot. I mean easily 30 minutes of click, click, click, nonstop. I’m not overexaggerating, I’ve seen her do it. My FSIL and FBIL sat her down and tried to speak with her about this, encouraging her to spend more time enjoying her gradnsons by interacting with them, and not go so overboard with the pictures. FMIL cried and cried and ran off to everyone (me included, who had only been dating my now fiance for only 1 month at the time) abut how, “they won’t even let me take a picture of my grandson!” That’s just one of example of many. As you can imagine the tension between my FBIL his wife and his mother is palpable. It’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, and downright awful.
OK so now that I think maybe I’ve explained a bit of backgroun here, here’s my issue. My FMIL is incessentantly bugging me about wedding stuff. Like to an absolute over-the-top way (e.g. asking me to look at her pinterest immediately after we told her we were engaged..she has over 800 pins about wedding stuff–she’s clearly been planning this wedding more than I even have). She started by offering to buy us stuff we don’t need for the wedding, I would politely decline. I do need her help with several things (e.g. putting together favors, centerpiecews, setting everything up). I want to include her too. I asked her, she accepted. She continued to forever offer her ideas. I’m kind of a control freak but tried my best to find some other things that I could relinquish control over, gave her those responsibilities as well.
Well, I guess I’m not trying enough. She cried to my fiance for over 20 minutes about how I’m butting her out and feeling very sad she’s “not involved.” Now, she’s becoming super passive aggressive, and for lack of a better term, trying to bully me into doing what she wants to do. She has brought up the same wedding favor idea 4 times. Each time I politely declined. Yesterday she writes me bringing it up again (as if she has never mentioned it before) “no pressure, but I thought we could do X, you can still do your idea but maybe I can do this too.” I caved–OK fine, you make your thing too, thanks that’s nice of you to offer.
I tried to talk to my fiance about it, but he clearly felt as if I wanted him to choose between me or his mom. Not cool on my part. He said that I need to call her. Like, if I just called her all will magically be well. Well I called her. She talked my ear off for an hour about all these ideas. I’m trying to be open but her ideas are SO far fetched from my vision. I would politely say no, and she would bring up the same exact idea a minute later as if it was an option or for some reason going to happen. She then proceeded to go online for easily 5 hours and send off everything she found wedding-related online to me. She keeps saying “oh I’ll do that, I’ll do this” to everything I say I want to do. Well, I’d like to do some stuff too. You know I’m only gonna get to do this once..she’s been married 3 times. My turn..ugh I don’t want to sound rude but I just feel so helpless.
I don’t know what I’m hoping to come from posting this online. I don’t know if I’m hoping someone will actually stick through and read this mini-novel and say “wow I went through the same thing, I did…” Or maybe I’m just hoping for some sort of release. I realize that there are people out there seeing this thinking, ‘are you kidding me, this girl is complaining her FMIL is nice and wants to be helpful???’ Those comments won’t really help me any, but I am putting this out there and you are entitled to your own opinion on this.
I don’t know..I just am afraid if I speak up and say anything she’s going to be absolutely crushed, take it way too far, and then badmouth me to the entire family. I do not want the terrible tension and awkwardness my FBIL and his wife deal with. I don’t want my fiance to be put in an awkward position. But I also desperately want the 30+ emails I get a day from her to stop, I want her to stop repeating the same idea that I do not want and trying to bully me into doing it her way. I do not want burlap table runners, I do not want an ivy garland in my hair, I do not want my bridesmaids to walk down the aisle with lanterns instead of bouquets…I tell her no, she brings it up over and over again.
OK I’m done, I just can’t let this go I’ve been feeling crappy over this for weeks now and I’m not feeling better and I don’t know what to do.