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I find families are hard in general, and I've noticed that surounding the wedding everyone goes crazy! My mom is not happy we're having it outside, his mom is appalled that we are having homemade wine, his dad wants to invite everyone under the sun, my sister (MOH) doesn't like any of the food choices. . .
Just try to tell yourself that it is your day and avoid talking to them about your choices as much as possible (unless they are paying. . .then it gets trickier). I had issues with my fiance's dad post engagement but I think it is mostly because he is stressed about the big step we're taking (his parents are divorced). If it gets worse, maybe the best thing to do is to sit down and have a chat with them, or if that's too uncomfortable, have your fiance do it?
Good luck! I hope they turn back into the family you love!
Luckily my mil is very sweet and stays out of our business... but I've seen other threads recently on this very topic so I know you're not alone by any means!
"future monster in law" lol! sorry u have to go through this! mine hasn't been crazy at all except for the time she suggested that i only invite like 20 of my own friends in order to have my number be more balanced with FI's list. i have 6 bridesmaids. yeah...not going to work.
anyways, don't let her bully you- good luck!
Mine is a future "monster in law" that is passive aggressive and her comments drive me nuts but I know it's her way to get under my skin so I totally ignore it.
She is cheap, traditional Catholic. Who doesn't realize quality and cheap are two different things. And I am the total opposite..so here goes a fun two years :D
So..I don't wanna start cuz I would write a novel and well, it's only the beginning.
Just smile, brush it off your shoulder. and do what you want. It is your wedding and you are the one going to have to live with it so it you aren't happy...than what's the point?
@floridabeach are we dealing with the same FMMIL (future monster mother in law)?! Cheap and catholic is right. She wouldnt be ahppy unless we were in a church basement, eating white bread squares and moscoccoli (sorry can't spell!) for the reception!
Quaility and cheap are def two different things
I should prob have added that FI parents are now just "popping in" to our new home. The call first but then show up 2 hours earlier than expected......grrrr
I have been my FI for a long time (almost 10yrs) and i got along great with his family. But now I think either I am overly sensitive or they are crazy. it's amazing how many opinions they have about the wedding and I'm thinking "save the opinions for your daughter's wedding" I think it could be me being sensitive. I think everyone goes a little nutso with weddings tho
Ugh I hope this doesn't happen for me. I've only met my FMIL once (she lives many states away) but she was perfectly nice. Hopefully after we're engaged she doesn't go all crazy on me!
Whoa, @floridabeachbride and stlgingko, please straighten me out here. Are you stereotyping traditional Catholics as cheap? If so I take major offense to that.
I've known plenty of Catholics, and cheap is not even on the radar. In fact in some of the Catholic families I know, were typically pretty poor, but still managed to know how to pull off a classy wedding.
I should have phrased things differently. Instead of combining "cheap and Catholic" together, I should have mentioned that my entire fmaily is Catholic and my FMIL is no different. She is very traditional in her thoughts of what our reception and ceremony should be. It is a traditional/sterotypical for my area Catholic reception and ceremony.
Separatley she is cheap. I am fine with cheap as long as it still pulls off a classy feel that my FI and I are aiming for.
Mine is my FI's step-mom. My FMIL is awesome but the step-FMIL became the monster out of no where. Oh well. I have been taking it in strides and totally ignoring her because my FI says he doesn't care what she thinks.
I fully expect it to happen.
Granted, when we first got together, there was some flip-out because I was black, but I think they got over that.
Then we went to buy a house. What does she say? "I didn't raise you that way!". Um? So *I* was raised "that way", whatever "that way" is? I don't see anything terribly wrong with being raised "that way"...
Perhaps one of the reasons we haven't gone to move forward is because deep down we know his mom and sister will pull out some crazy... So I guess it's not a total 180, just true colors being shown.
I don't know about the "cheap" thing, but my FMIL is the exact opposite or cheap and still hates everything we do... I'm a DIY kind of gal, and my FMIL can't sew on a button, so all of the DIY projects I have planned are being frowned upon.
After some discussion with FI about why FMIL hates all of our plans and is so snarky about a lot of things, we kind of came to the conclusion that she's had this wedding planned for years, and I'm really just supposed to be filling a role.
BTW- When we went through their guest list, I could have kicked myself for not having a video camera to record the fit (literally!) that she threw when we didn't want to invite people we didn't know. You girls would have LOVED it.
FI advice to me, and my advice to you, is take people's opinions politely, and then make plans the way you want anyway. When they have a fit, be sympathetic (it'll drive them crazy), and then just say that you really feel like your choice suits the two of you. And be prepared with a bottle of wine, and thoughts of that giddy holy-crap-we're-getting-married feeling to occasionally make you forget hurtful words :).
Thanks for the clarification, stlginkgo.
@surkim Was she sticking her nose up at the house itself? Was the house you were looking at not good enough for her?
Tanya123, the people we were buying the house from were leaving us a ton of stuff in the house.
We were more or less just out of college, so we were fine with taking old stuff, and updating/discarding it as we got settled. Better to have a house and not go into even more debt trying to furnish it, right?
She (and his sister) completely flipped out, omg get rid of EVERYTHING and blah de blah be wharrrgarbl. The bathroom is omg from the 70s. This. That. OMG the beds. OMG the chairs. It's sooo old (1973). I'm upset, because here she's flipping out and I think she's being completely unreasonable since I was still in school and unemployed, and bf was wiping his savings for the downpayment/closing. Don't take the utensils, that's gross.
It was a pain. He eventually told her it was going to be our house, and we would deal with it as we saw fit. Before we left, the previous owner pulled me aside and told me that I was going to have to put a stop to his mom before we got married, because she's definitely the type to get in and ruin a marriage, and she's seen it happen so many times before... <span style="white-space: pre;">
i am pretty sure everyone deals with this in a way.
my fiances mom has been pushing my buttons almost from day one. i have tried for so long to just shrug it off, but you can only handle so much. and it gets even more frustrating when you know some of the things that drive you nuts also drive your fiance nuts. the day we got engaged and made the phone calls congratulations wasnt even the first words out of her mouth it was "WHAT? i told you to wait!" and it went on from there as you can imagine, the phone call left both him and i in tears.
other things have since come up and have either hurt just one of us or both of us, and we have since made it pretty clear where we stand on everything... we are also not afraid to use plan H and elope to hawaii!
I loved my MIL before we got engaged and I can say that after the wedding, I do still love her. However, the second we got engaged, she...well, went a little nutsy. She threw a temper tantrum when we didn't invite everyone she'd ever met (my husband and I paid!), acted kind of passive-agressive (I asked her not to wear pastels--she had a baby blue dress made) and generally drove me bonkers! While I do think there's a different dynamic in our relationship since we got married, I am happy to report that she's chilled out a little since the wedding. I think she was just having some personal anxiety and drama with respect to the wedding process. As a result, she acted a little out of character. I hope, for your sake, that's what's going on with your MIL.
Not a complete 180, but she did have a breakdown the day after our legal wedding because she was a little sad that my family didn't quite live up to her expectations. Nothing horrible, just some overweight and not wealthy people as she had hoped for. Odd because she comes from a small town and a very blue collar family. Go figure. Good luck to you.
@surkim -Gee you'd think she'd be proud that her son was acting responsibly and standing on his own two feet. What did she want him to be in complete debt or take money from her? Sometimes when you're young, you have to start out a bit rough. So sorry. Good luck.
The wedding definitely changed my relationship with my FMIL. It's definitely not just you, I think it's just a tough relationship period, you know?
sounds like a watered down version of mine! it took less than a month after our engagement for her to begin hating me when she adored me before...we havent spoken to either of his parents since february now...they actually told us they get to have a say in our finances because we will have to go to them when we need money....um wtf!
I must be lucky, because when my FI and I got engaged his parents were more excited than mine! When we visited my Mom, she didn't even ask to see my ring.
Weddings just bring out the crazy in people, I guess.
Now that my ex-husband and I are divorced, my (I guess it's "ex") MIL and I are great! I've always loved his dad, but I think that is more because I didn't have a dad growing up and it was nice to have one. But my MIL was NUTS!!
This time around, I have never met his parents. I know it's wierd, but he hasn't spoken to them in over 5 years and I don't feel that his reasons are not valid for that just because we are getting married.
My best friend and her MIL didn't get along for the longest time, and she swore that her son let them all down by getting married go my best friend. And now they are great friends and talk and do things together.
I think that moms have a hard time letting go of their sons. My mom is the same with my brother, but with me and my sister, not so much.
Just make sure you stand your ground when you need to and let the little things pass. Also, make sure your FI stands up for you. THAT is the most important.
Awww I am so sorry! You are not alone. I have had tons of problems
I have to say that my FMIL only turned 'monster in law' on me on a couple of issues. Prior to getting engaged, she didn't even MENTION our having children. In fact, she has made multiple comments in front of our nephew (who is 9) and other family members on FI's side, saying that "we are doing it the right way" because I am not pregnant walking down the aisle or by having children before we get married (I'm not saying there is a right or wrong way, that was all her. She was pregnant at 16 and had to get married). So, as soon as the ring was on my finger (ok, not as soon but about 4 months into the engagement) she is already asking when we are going to have children, how many, etc. Ok, I love children, don't get me wrong... but I really don't think I want any of my own. It's nice to have our nephew over and be able to send him home when we're ready. This, in my opinion is none of her business to begin with. I talked to my FI about it and he laughed, until she pushed the envelope way too far by talking VERY loudly about "omg isn't this adorable (about baby clothes) doesn't this make you want one!?" at his cousin's baby shower. FI then told FMIL IN PUBLIC (at dinner actually) that he didn't want her to talk to me anymore about child bearing and that WE would let her know the if, when, etc if we decided to have any. The other issue, unrelated to child bearing, is the weight issue she loves to talk about. My future in laws live nearby and FMIL stopped me in our local grocery (in the frozen aisle) and said that 'I needed to watch what I am eating because I have a dress to fit into.' Thanks, I know. You do too. :)
So, I think we are all with you (at least on a couple of points anyways!). If needed, get FI involved. They are his parents, he should know what's going on and how to handle it if it gets to that point.
Good Luck!
-Bella
I think my FMIL is crazy. She's never liked me, even though we've only met once out of the two years that I've been with her son. We've been engaged since July 2009, and neither of his parents have welcomed me to their family. Whatever.
I kind of had the opposite probelm. I get along great with my in-laws, but they are pretty quiet, reserved people. I come from a loud and crazy (in a good way) family, so I generally feel a little uncomfortable around them. Not to say I don't like being around them, but I guess I just feel like I have to "behave myself" with them, haha!
When we announced our engagement, they were happy... but that's about it. They hardly had ANY involvement in the planning, came into town on the Wedding weekend for a little more than 48 hours, it was like pulling teeth to get them to give us their opinion on ANYTHING.
I think they thought that because we were planning it and paying for it they needed to stay out of everything. But we relied on my parents and friends ALOT and in the end, it makes me feel like my familiy and friends did most of the work, while his family and friends just showed up to party.
Have you tried putting your FMIL in charge of something that you don't mind how it turns out? Maybe she just wants to be involved. Maybe she could be in charge of organizing your FI and GMs for the tux fittings and all that? Or decorating the church?
See you aren't the only one!
Yes, my FMIL did a 180 and has been hurting a lot of people in the process. And that's all that I will say 'cause I don't want to get into it...she has caused a LOT of issues! And she's aghast at the things we are doing: putting stamps on our RSVP envelopes, not sending our invites out ONE MONTH before the wedding, etc. She has an opinon about everything, which is fine but she throws a crap fit when we don't do what she wants every.single.time.
Bella, my boyfriend's mom is almost always on us about having kids... and as far as I know, we're nowhere near engaged. We've talked about it, and decided that 30 is the key age. We'll think about it seriously then. We're 24 now, and like I said earlier, barely out of school.
He has an older sister, but since my bf is the one in a relationship that looks like it's going somewhere, we get the harassment. We figure it's because his mom wants a grandkid to show off, since her sister shows hers off. Or something like that.
UGH now I need to worry about her wanting us to have kids to show off....fan-tastic. It may be time for the son to have a heart to heart about what her actions and words do to our FDIL/FMIL relationship......
Sounds like my FMIL, but I think she's getting used to the idea of doing things our way. lol
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When my FI and I started dating I absolutley loved his family. They were great. Flexible, caring, fun etc. As soon as FI begain talking to his parents about asking me to marry him all sorts of shit hit the fan. How will he pay for a ring, you can't use the inheritance money for that it -- it was to be for your future (actually said, is a fmaily not a good future???) THHHEEENNN we started planing and his mother had a commetn about everything. And by comment I mean, "why are you using them, chosing this color, having your reception there when x,y,z is so much better. (actuality not the style of FI or me at all.) She has turned into monster in law.
Just wondering how many FMIL did a complete 180 opposite of how they acted when you were still just dating their son.