Post # 1
I have to assume nearly everyone has been the passive-agressive pull from FMIL with their sons, but I wanted to check and make sure I wasn’t the exception.
SO and I aren’t engaged yet, but after the formalities were said and done, I see FMIL making power plays. I’m amused and annoyed, and I am absolutely not playing into it. Example:
SO and I are eating quite healthy, and both FMIL and FFIL know this as SO and I want to be in tip top shape. FMIL is now sending him home with cakes, greasy meals, sweets, etc. SO often talks about the meals I cook him, and now she seems to be making meals while he visits to bring home.
Many others have happened from time to time. This was just the most recent, and the most obnoxious. :/ I like FMIL, and I think she has a lot of knowledge and life experience I would love to learn about. But my God.
Post # 3
My fiance is actually often hurt that his mother doesn’t show him enough attention or seem to have any interest in him.
Post # 4
I am sorry I cannot relate my FMIL is wonderful and let go of her son when he moved out at 19 and we probably see her once every 2 months for a lovely visit and that is it! I love her and we are friends and go out alone together and I am including her in a lot of the female wedding stuff because she only has sons.
However, I have seen this power struggle with friends and heard about it on the boards and it makes me very thankful for my wonderful FMIL.
That is extremely frustrating but I would also be frustrated with SO in that he is not sticking to his guns and saying no we are not eating that stuff etc.
Good Luck I hope she gives up the battle soon and just lets go!
Post # 5
Does he want your mom’s home cooking? Maybe he just really likes the greasy food once in awhile.
If he doesn’t want it, he should just say, “thanks mom, but we don’t really eat this at home” and then he can NOT take it home.
Frankly, even though we eat healthy, too, when we go to bbq’s at her house, we often come home with some goodies for him that he likes, that I would NEVER cook at home.
I find that people who don’t eat healthy food feel that those who do are “deprived” or something. People think I’m crazy b/c I don’t eat certain unhealthy foods, ever, or that I don’t live on things I love, like carbs.
Post # 6
I think I’m really lucky here. My guy gets along with his mother great, but from the time his parents got divorced when he was 8, he only lived with her 1 year (he lived in MI with his dad and she lived in NY). So, she is super hands-off. We’ve been together about 2.5 years and in that time he’s gone to see her in NY once for a week and she’s come here to visit once for 4 days. She calls every month or so to check up on him, and they talk on birthdays, holidays, etc. She doesn’t have my phone number or email, and she doesn’t try to be too involved with me. But, the time she was here she was perfectly nice and didn’t seem to be jealous of our relationship at all. Lets hope she keeps this up once we are actually engaged 🙂
Post # 7
Yep! For years this was a major point of contention for me and FI. FMIL would call him several times a day for no reason. I lost it one day when she called at 6:30 am (before we even get up for work) I thought it was an emergency so ran to the phone (almost breaking my ankle in the process) to find out that she was just calling to chat. Grrrr.
She also wants to be involved in all of our life decisions, no matter how small.
However, earlier this year, FI sat down with her and had a talk. She’s gotten a lot better since then, and conversly, I try not to get involved as much. We’re never going to be on the same page though — she “doesn’t understand why I’m bothering with this career nonsense when I’ll be having children soon.” Ummm, I can do both!
Post # 8
I am so very lucky. My husband is 39 years old. Between college and owning his own home for 10 years, the apron strings are cut. Now that I’m in the picture, it’s all about us as a couple. When his parents go on vaca, she brings back souveniers for both of us. Or she’ll buy something for the house. As for cooking/baking things specifically for him, she hasn’t really except maybe for his birthday.
I hit the MIL lottery.
Post # 9
i used to live with my fmil/ffil along with 3 brothers …and i have to say ..it was interesting ..eventually with the moving around we did ..it became 1 other bro and honey and the parents..and i think if i was much of a cook , the situation would of bothered me more..because the parents did the majority of cooking and most of the cleaning , since they couldn’t pay for rent ,it was there way of earning keep ..Anyways , the only time i did have an issue was when fmil wanted to come into Our room , do get our laundry and to clean , and i told her i would take care of that ..Nice and calm,,no fights ..I just felt like since the only part of the apt that was trulyt mine was our room ..He’s defin a mom’s boy , but he tells me , if i have something to say or add, then to talk to her ..and since we get along great ,its not an issue ..
Post # 10
I don’t think she’s horrible, but I’m glad there’s an 8 hour road trip between us.
I’ve definitely been pulled aside and told that I was going to have to make sure she stayed put, because that person had seen several marriages ruined by mothers like his…
And a few others say “oh I bet you’re glad she’s there and you’re here!”
Post # 11
I think every mother that has a son that has gf/Fi/wife will always feel kinda jealous, and try to compete somehow. They think “This is my little boy, and he will always be my little boy.” Some are more crazy with that than other’s though. My FMIL isn’t that bad, but there are somethings she does that I can tell she is trying to compete with me sometimes, but not anything that serious, and FI is pretty good with sticking by me, so it’s all good. =]
Post # 12
My situation is much like hotchild’s–my FI and FMIL talk on the phone all the time. Several times a day for no reason at all. And he tells her EVERYTHING. It drives me crazy. He tells her all about my doctor appointments, how I’m feeling–everything. I don’t want her knowing about all that crap. I told him that and he just says “Oh I’m sorry. My mom just wants to know because she cares about you.” What??? She doesn’t need to know that. I have my own mother for things like that. And if I want to tell someone, I will let them know. And yes, both FMIL and FFIL have to be involved in our life decisions no matter how small. I think they needed to have more children (FI is an only child). Just my opinion.
Post # 13
My FMIL has actually brought food over to our house. We are working on our overall health, his focus: cholesteral, my focus: firming up and eating well. She brings him absolute CRAP bc she knows we won’t buy it. It makes it very difficult to change eating habits when all the garbage is around!
Post # 14
@honeybun…oh my goodness, I would lose it!
Post # 15
I don’t think my FMIL is competing with me for attention, but she certainly has not let go of her “baby boy” yet. I make him his bday dinner and bake a cake, and she shows up unannounced with ANOTHER dinner and ANOTHER cake. Stuff like that. Also, she’s still very reliant upon him to help her, even though he has another bro in the area who doesn’t even have a girlfriend.
I really don’t think she means to impose on us, but she does. It gets really old.
Post # 16
My MIL is great and I’m SO lucky.
I dated a guy for 3+ years in HS/College and his Mom was a nightmare! One of the things that sticks out was that I told her what I was getting him for Christmas (a custom Penn State football jersey that needed to be special ordered) and she ordered one too. The EXACT same one that I had already CUSTOM ordered!
Ugh, that woman was HORRIBLE!!!