Post # 1
I just got engaged 3 weeks ago, so I’m still planning most of the details for my August 2013 wedding. I just signed a contract for the venue today (Thank Goodness) and I called my FMIL to tell her about it. (my FI lives in a different time zone than the rest of us!) We have nice, pretty lengthy conversation where she asked about details for the rehearsal dinner since she and FFIL are planning on paying for that. I mentioned that my FI wanted 7 groomsmen so I’d have 7 bridesmaids which would make the rehearsal dinner pretty large! But that I did not know if FI would change his mind so I have not asked my bridesmaids yet.
Later this evening she emailed a lit of people she wanted to make sure were on our list. FI wants to invite everyone on their mother, and most of these people were family, so I don’t see any problem with that. She did, however, see fit to copy my FSIL and my FI’s sister in law (married to his brother, who will be best man). In the email chain, she slipped in casually, “I assume (FSIL’s name) will be on the bridesmaids list.”
What??? I’m shocked. Why would she copy FSIL on that email?? FSIL is at least 14 years older than me and in no way does she love the spotlight. I strongly doubt she would even want to be a bridesmaid. But she has a very demanding job so I don’t even know when she’ll check her email and see what’s going on!! I want my bridesmaids to be my friends of years and years. I have only known FSIL for 1.5 years and even though I really like her I definitely was NOT planning on asking her. What would you do??
-FMIL stated in an email with a large # of people copied that she assumed FSIL was on the bridesmaids list
-FSIL is 14 years older than me
-I really don’t think FSIL wants to be a bridesmaid, she’s been there, done that, and she has her own thing going on
-wtf do i say?
Post # 3
I think you’ll have to ask her and hope she says no.
Post # 4
OMG! So annoying! I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’ve had a somewhat similar situation happen to me so I can empathize. It is so unimportant but it is SO frustrating and, what’s worse, it’s AWKWARD!
Since your FSIL is a lot older, she’s probably mature enough to understand that the assumption was wrong and that you want your friends as BMs. I think asking her to be a reader would be a beautiful gesture and a nice way to tell her that your FMIL made a mistake and that you don’t want her to be one of you BM (without saying those words). I doubt she’ll take offense! Good luck and don’t worry about it!! In one year, no one will even remember this email or this situation. I mean, but really, come on FMIL, think a little before you CC people, ANNOYING!
Post # 5
You definitely do not need to ask her to be a BM just because of something FMIL did!
I think you either do nothing, or you or FI privately conact FSIL and say no offence but she won’t be a BM, because there are other girls you’ve known much longer.
Giving her a reading is a nice alternative: I did that at my brother’s wedding.
Post # 6
Actually I think I have a better idea: FI contacts his mother and tells her off, saying something like, “Why on earth did you put that in the email? Don’t you know that tradition is I pick the GMs and the bride picks the BMs! Now, thanks to you, my sister is going to get her hopes up for no reason!”
ETA: that should be “my sister in law” not “my sister”
Post # 7
I think you might need to try to get to FSIL before this goes any further. Just tell her you already had your near/dear/close friends in mind for bridesmaids. And yes, you could offer to have her read (or maybe make her a personal attendant??).
Post # 8
I don’t agree at all with the assumption, the choice should be fully yours on bridesmaids.
But I do have a bridesmaid that is about 20 years older than I am. I get along better with older people, always have, and I definately didn’t want to leave her out.
Post # 9
You can say that you have your BM’s picked out already, but dont say “but FSIL can be a reader!” It would probably go over a lot better if you say something like “I was actually hoping FSIL could be a reader/I was going to ask FSIL if she wanted to be a reader”.
Unless FMIL is usually a controlling person or if she steps out of her bounds often, having FI contact her and tell her off will just make things very awkward.
Edit: Youre not obligated to ask her. Dont ask and hope she declines if you really dont want her to be a BM!
Post # 10
I think your FI needs to field this one and tell his mom that it is your choice who your bridal party is and both you and him would appreciate her not starting needless drama with public assumptions. I do think it be nice to ask your fsil but I personally get why you might not. Fwiw my sil wasn’t involved in our wedding in any way.more than being in the family pictures because we just aren’t close and I think and hope especially since this isn’t some volatile teenage sister that she is mature enough to understand it isn’t a slight against her to not be include d.
Post # 11
I would do a reply all email and say you haven’t decided who go going to be a bm yet. Let that lie for a few weeks/months then have FI ask fsil if she would like to be a reader.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2014 - Italiano's Humble
@LessIsMoore: yeaaaap, plus 1.
my darling OP, if you know your fsil well enough, give her a shout and explain the situation, but without blaming fmil. just say, hubby is BM, and fmil thought you’d WANT to be a bridesmaid! if you don’t, I completely understand, what with your kick ass job, blah yada etc. BUT I’D LOVE if you were involved regardless!
all you can do now is damage control. and pray fmil doesn’t start adding more BP members, love! whatever you do, don’t let her know you never had the intent to ask. it’s possible this can be smoothly crossed over, with a haha, and a no harm, no foul mentality!
Post # 13
@paula1248: “Actually I think I have a better idea: FI contacts his mother and tells her off, saying something like, “Why on earth did you put that in the email? Don’t you know that tradition is I pick the GMs and the bride picks the BMs! Now, thanks to you, my sister is going to get her hopes up for no reason!”
+1. I would have FI talk to his mother. Saying something like that above is perfect – not only does it let FMIL know she over stepped the boundaries, it also lets her know that FSIL is not going to be part of the bridal party.
I think the difficult part is going to be coming up with something to say to FSIL if she directly asks you if she is going to be a bridesmaid.
Post # 14
Do not ask her to be a bridesmaid unless you want her to be. Just because your future mother in law did that does not mean that you said it to her. Don’t worry about it!
Post # 15
thanks bees. I’m really hoping FSIL responds to the email chain and shuts this thing down. she is the type of person who would say “whoa there, let fingerscrossed choose her own bridesmaids!” I talked to FI last night and he agrees this was a faux pas on his mother’s part. We decided to just let this email chain die because no one is really responding any more. Unless FSIL steps in, he will call his mother and tell her it was out of line to tell me who my bridesmaids should be and that we want FSIL to be a reader….I just hope FSIL is not insulted…
Post # 16
I would respond to FMIL directly saying that you already had BMs in mind that you have known since whenver and that you dont want to put any added stress on her with her demanding job and all and maybe she can do a reading or be involved in another way. Then I’d write a separate email to FSIL apologizing for FMILs awkward behaviour and let her know that although FMIL put you on the spot and made assumptions, that she means alot etc, but you already had BMs in mind that you’ve known for years and you maybe dont want to burden her with being a BM, but would love it if she would still be a part of it and do a reading.