Post # 1
You bees are always SO helpful in helping me perceive things the way I should! Now I need your help again…
My mother is not around, but my step-mother has been with my father for close to 15 years, so I am treating her exactly the same way I would treat my own mother. She is great.
FI’s parents have been divorced for 12 years or so–his father is single and his mother is engaged. The question is about FMIL’s fiance–they have been together around 4-5 years and they got engaged shortly after FI and I met. I have a secret feeling that the reason they are not getting married this summer is to avoid “stealing the thunder” from our wedding, but that’s just my thoughts. FMIL’s fiance is great, we go to stay with them and he’s always nice, supportive of the wedding–nothing bad to say about the guy.
I believe that we should include FMIL’s fiance in some way, but FI doesn’t want him involved any more than a normal guest. FI is adamant that he doesn’t want him in any formal pictures, and doesn’t want to give him a boutenniere because “he is not related to me in any way”. I said “but he is your mother’s date…” but he doesn’t care.
I do believe that my FI should make the call on this since it is his family, but I also am going to feel terrible when all the mothers/fathers get flowers and he doesn’t. Especially since my FMIL is helping me arrange the flowers and make the boutennieres!
What would you do, bees?
Post # 3
if FI doesn’t want him to have a bouteniere don’t give him one.
he has only been in FI’s life for 4-5 years. don’t make a big deal about it.
Post # 4
If the guy were a child molester, criminal, or other potential risky match for mom then I could understand his potential angst. Outside of something like that, I’d say your FI needs to suck it up a bit, and understand that by just mildly acknowledging his mother’s fiance on the day does not denote any role his bio-father has played/will play in his life, or his father’s place in his life at all. You’re not asking the man to be an officiant, dance with your FI, or be acknowledged on the invitations. It’s a flower on the man’s chest, a couple of pictures that you don’t even have to buy/display, but would mean the world to his mom to have/display, etc. I think his mother would be extremely hurt by her son’s behavior here. He needs to think about it that way.
Post # 5
What does it hurt to give him a flower? It will make him feel good and just about everyone else as well.
For the pictures, your FI should talk to his mom and see how she feels about her FI being included. If she feels strongly about him being included than he should because that’s who she is going to be marrying. If it’s important to her that he is included but then you guys exclude him then it might make things a little awkward between the 4 of you. You can also include him in some of the photos but also have some without him…
Post # 6
I think the call has to be by fiance, it is his parents. I dont see why the FMIL could not get a picture with you two and her fiance. I do not see a need for a boutineere.