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I'm sorry to say this, but she's an adult and not in the wedding party, so you really can't control what she wears. If she asks your opinion again, tell her that it's really not your style of dress. But that's as far as you can go.
And honestly, she won't ruin the pictures. Pictures are about looking at the people who you love and came to share an important life-changing event with you. They aren't about micro-managing everyone to fit your vision.
I'm not trying to be mean here. I just want you to take a step back and realize that the only person who will look stupid if your FMIL wears an ugly dress is her. This has nothing to do with you.
My FMIL did the same thing and when she tried on the dress for me I told her I dind't like and I thought it wasn't appropriate. If you're not comfortable about doing that maybe ask your FI if he feels the same way and or if he would mention something to her. I think in the grand scheme of life it's not a huge deal but I 100% understand how you would be annoyed.
The exact same thing happened to me, and my FI agreed with me that it was horrible (her dress was totally a vegas hooker dress!! what the heck!!). He finally called her and explained it to her. Warning: she was pretty upset, and called FI (her own SON!) controlling, but everyone else in the situation thinks that she just wants to be the center of attention. She finally bought a dress that was much better, although she was complaining the whole way through it.
I had a similar situation with FMIL's dress, and didn't want to say anything because she's so sweet-just not all that stylish-and I didn't want to hurt her feelings. So I beat around the bush a bit with something like "Sometimes the mothers will wear something that coordinates with the bridal party/the wedding colors/whatever..." and I mentioned pictures, and weather, and how the MOB and MOG usually coordinate with each other (all the while subtly saying why her dress wouldn't work for these things) and she got it, I think--she's wearing a different dress now!
Yes, she probably got the point that I didn't love her dress and it wasn't just those reasons that she shouldn't wear it, but at least I didn't have to say "It's ugly, don't wear it."
Good luck!
i agree with nathalietanya on this--she's not in the bridal party, and although she will be in pictures she won't be in all of them (esp. the most important ones of just you and your FI), and saying something critical about the dress might just create really bad feelings that are not worth it. let her wear it. if she really likes it, let her have her fun. she might possibly regret it later, but that's her issue--there's only so much we can try to control at our weddings, and i don't think this one is worth it.
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I have to agree with nathalietanya on this one. Honestly, none of your guests are going to think it's your problem or fault if your FMIL's dress is really ugly. Most people will think, gee, that's a horrendous get-up, but it won't reflect on you as a bride. Most people aren't going to be paying attention to her anyways, they'll be paying attention to you (the beautiful bride!) and your handsome groom. If you are really concerned about the pictures, I think all of the suggestions the girls have offered so far are great...but you will have to "pick your battle" in this instance. Is the dress really that bad that it would be worth hurting her feelings or making her incredibly angry? You'll have to weigh that out before you approach her at all. Good luck--I am sure it will be a beautiful wedding regardless of what your FMIL wears!
Ettiquette-world: You can't say anything, she's an adult and you have no control over it.
Real-world: You are able to say things like you did, politely, hoping she gets the clue. That was another good suggestion posted to bring up the color scheme and what your mom is wearing, but really only if she talks about the dress again. I would not suggest calling her out of the blue to ask about the dress, she will get upset. Your other option is to have your FI call her and not let on that you have talked to him to ask about what she and his dad are wearing. And have him go from there, he hopefully knows her better.
Good luck, worse case scenerio, for the family pictures with his family or with parents- sepia or black & white treatment! :)
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I disagree a little with the nathalietanya. There is certain etiqutte that the mothers are supposed to "coordinate" with the wedding party. (To what degree, I'm not certain.) But I think it is to avoid your scenario. In addition, there is etiquette regarding the MOG, following the MOB. (Waiting for her to get her dress, select her color, seethe length) so she can be somewhat similar in style, without wearing the same color. And ultimately she shouldn't pick a dress that is so loud it will draw attention away from you.
With that said, I would be tough for you to really keep bringing up your objections. However, if she has any basic sensitivity, I think based on your previous comment to her, she probably got the hint that you didn't think highly of it. Maybe she moved on from the dress. I would definitely enlist the aid of your FI. He can see if she is still considering it. No to mention he can chime in on how he feels about it, and discuss it with her. And you don't want to come across to her like a bridezilla. Best let Fi field that one.
The good news is that she has a precedence of wearing dresses more traditional for the brothers' weddings. So maybe Fi can tell her, he was hoping she'd wear something similar. And that he thought she looked nice in them etc. Hopefully it works.
What's the worst case scenario? FMIL wearing the dress, or having her feelings completely hurt? Is the dress just ugly, or is it trashy? If it's just ugly, count your blessings. If Fi gently tires to convince her to wear a nicer style, but doesn't succeed, I would try to just move on. Look on the bright side. It will make your mom look that much nicer. As for pictures. Well, how many is FMIL going to be in anyway? Will it be in a photo album or on your wall? I know a lot of couples, not too many of them have a pictures of their parents at their wedding, hanging on their walls.
She asked your opinion, so give it to her. Be nice though. I don't know if I'm lucky or what, but both my mom and FMIL asked me about my colors and if I wanted them to match the wedding party or not prior to even selecting a dress. Although I gave them freedom to pick what they want, as both dress nice and appropriate for their ages.
There is no rule specifying the mothers should coordinate with the wedding party. Many want to, but it is not required.
It is traditional that the mother of the bride picks first and lets the mother of the groom know her selection. But this is more to avoid them wearing the same, or a very similar dress. The mother of the groom is not required to coordinate with the mother of the bride.
What are your colors for the wedding?? I know a few people who have politely asked that immediate family members stick to a certain color palette in order for the pictures to look nice. Also maybe next time the dress comes up maybe mention, "those are nice colors (or whatever), but usually don't the mothers of the bride/groom wear particular colors like gold...etc?"
Also, maybe have your FI ask to see the dress since "you told him all about it" he could possibly be more straight forward with her in expressing his (and your) opinion on the dress.
It's a thought.
My FI's sister got married a couple years ago, and their mother wore quite the dress as well. It was gold, but looked exactly like a 16 year old prom dress - looow cut (she had just had a boob job), open low back, and very form fitting. But, she enjoyed herself in it so... to each his own huh?
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mention how much you rliked the dress she wore previously ... I hope she gets the hint!
You see I had the idea that I could try and coordinate the MOB and MOG dresses with my birdal party as Tanya 123 had mentioned. but I guess alot of you disagree.
I would never be rude enough to straight up tell my FMIL that I hated her dress. and I guess I would 'deal' with it on the day of if she happened to wear it, I just wish she knew how horrible it was! I think I might go down the route in telling her I liked her dress that she wore for her other sons wedding.
great opinions ladies! thanks
I think I'm going to disagree with what alot of people said here... You should TOTALLY tell her. Not in a rude way, just tell her you'd like both your moms to coordinate. That's not too much to ask. I just had a small beach wedding with 16 guests & gave them 3 colors I wanted everyone in. It worked out perfect & everyone looked great! You can also explain it's for the sake of the pictures... You want all the family photos to flow well together. This is her sons wedding, she should be more than willing to cooperate. Good Luck!
I think if you wanted the MOG to coordinate with your bridal party, you should have discussed it with her before she went shopping. At this point, I don't think there is much you can do about the dress! I'm sorry that she picked a dress you don't like :(
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Oh, her shopping and buying her a dress wouldnt stop her from buying another, or 3 or 4....
Like I said in the original post - this was the dress she was thinking of (I believe she already had it) and was really thinking about wearing it. I now just really want her to away away from it and wear something different, more elegant - which is what I am trying to acheive with my wedding party (yes, I know, NO she is not part of the wedding party) but I do feel I have the right for her to be well dressed on the day. My mom made me pick out her dress, which I know is different cause she is MY mom, but we'll see. I will talk with the FI about it tonight to see what his thoughts on the matter is (as I know he doesnt like the dress cause his reacation when she came out to show us the dress was "oh yeah...")
Ok. I just thought of it, but it may cause a sticky situation!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know how there's so much to read online and in books about proper traditions etc.? Well, one of them that I've read, is that the brides mom purchases a dress first and lets the mother of the groom know about the choice so that she can get something similar.
You could go about this two ways, either have your mom call the grooms mom all excited about the dress, send her a picture or a swatch and go on and on ....
ooorrr you could just discreetly read a chapter from the book about this situation that the grooms mom follows the brides mom, but you could pretend to be all innocent and not let her actually know that you know you're readin it. ...
Like I said, that's all I can think of and either of those could lead to a sticky mess!
Well, for what it's worth, Chantellamus, I found some articles discussing coordinating the mothers with the bridal party. But I do agree that if she already has the dress, it might be a bit late. If she has bought it yet, maybe that can be a point. What color is your mom's dress? If her dress doesn't coordinate with the wedding party, you might not want to try it with your FMIL.
http://www.yourwedding101.com/wedding-dress/brides-mothers-dress.aspx
http://www.wedding.com.au/fashion-beauty/bridal-party/
http://www.articlesbase.com/marriage-articles/elegant-mother-of-the-bride-dresses-902731.html
http://www.nycityweddings.com/planning/articles/article.aspx?ID=418
I think if you can be very gentle and honest, you should answer her question honestly.
Obviously, you are the best judge of how somethign would affect your FMIL, and if you think it would cause a rift, then don't say anything. (this dress is not worth creating a big scene!)
is there anyone that may be able to subtly influence her decision? or you could diplomatically put it across and say like, "Really? I always thought xxxx color was more flattering for your skin tone" / "I saw a dress at xxxxxx that I thought would be great for you!"
my mother picked a pair of shoes that i personally wouldn't consider (with faux purple flowers) but hey, she really liked them and proud that she scored a bargain, so i didn't want to say anything.
i hope it works out for you!
I have to disagree with nathalietanya as well as far as it not being a problem in the photos. It absolutely will stick out something terrible and will be the first and last thing you see when you look at the photo. How could it not? It's super bright colored, super detailed, etc. Its just how things work visually- the most active elements in a composition will grab the viewer's attention. HOWEVER, don't worry- the best ever invention known to man is Photoshop! Okay, its at least in the top ten. Possibly. Anyway, a professional could fix it if you're willing to invest a little money. Even just desaturating it will make a huge difference, and you could go even further and have the whole shape toned down. You may not want to have every portrait done, but if it bothers you enough you can always have your big family portrait fixed.
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My mom went dress shopping with me for hers (right smack in the middle of prom season) and kept grabbing these tacky dresses. Satin, prom-esque. Ruffles, SPARKLES, BEADING, OH MY. Low cut and kinda slutty for a 55-yr-old woman even with a nice figure.
Now, before I came right out and said, "ma that's kinda skanky on you", my phrase of the night was, "oh man it looks like a prom dress. Don't you want to wear something more elegant?"
If she asks, just say it looks kinda prom because it's so bright. Push "elegant" and "classy" on her. And comment about trying to tie everyoen in together. My mom and my FI's mom don't match, but their dresses are in the same caliber of 'fancy' i guess. I'd be horrified...just horrified...if one of them busted out in some 80's prom rehash. You could also say, "wow i love it...but it just doesn't look good on you, I think you can do so much better" and find something to tactfully dislike.This way, you "like" the dress, you just don't like it on her and you WANT her to look better and look fantastic, riiiight?
I dunno, that works for me. My mom pouts a little when she tries on something "young" (something i'd wear) and I go, "eek, i like it, but not on you" and I find a flaw in the dress ON her that accentuates her negatively. Yesterday it was "wow ma, you shouldn't be showing more boobs than me!!" and another one that was just weird. It had a zipper down the side that made one hip look bigger. It was so unflattering. The zipper wasn't a big deal but it looked hideous on her and i made a big deal out of the zipper. My mom's in her mid 50's and cannot shop juniors clearance anymore but sometimes does anyways to feel young and hip with me. Probably didn't help that we were shopping for a dress for her to wear to my bachelorette party though. There's always a way to *manipulate* The situation though.
Man, what's with the MOB and MOG wearing crazy stuff lately?!?!?! If she's well off you could always go, "man you would look sooo good in a BCBG gown, have you considered that? they're so timeless" or with whatever good designer you think of right then and there
I think a little bit differently. She asked for your opinion on the dress, right? So take that for face value. I think you did the right thing by saying that it doesn't seem like something she would wear. But keep going and say you thought the dress she wore to the other weddings was so pretty, and that the one she has is nice but you're not sure how it will fit in. Show her a picture of your mom's dress. Say that you think the dress she picked is nice but you wanted to show her what your mom was wearing for comparison.
If that doesn't work, then you are stuck with that crazy-sounding dress. :)
And to go along with what Tanya said - get your FI involved here. My MIL had picked out a dress for our wedding that was fine, if a little boring. Well, my husband didn't like it and said something along the lines of "Mom, that dress is awful. You look like an old lady and you're not coming to the wedding in that." Sons and daughters can easily say things that sons- and daughters-in-law can't.
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Ok, I just need to vent and kind of try and figure out the best way to go about this ordeal!
So my FMIL showed me a dress she is seriously considering wearing for the wedding the other day and I was shocked. Now this woman is quite well off, however has never had a flair for style so didn't expect much from her - even though for her other sons wedding she wore a very nice looking expensive dress.
So she walks out with this dress and it was horrible. I can't even explain it. but it's this like orange and pink chiffon montrosity, it has these bunches all around the dress and where the bunches are it looks die-died with the pink. at the bottom it has these like flowy pieces that kind of make it like a salsa dress and the straps are braided...ok first thing that came to mind was it was just awful, the color is a horrrrrible color to match my wedding and it doesnt look like a dress a 55 yr old woman should wear - and she doesnt wear things like this.
she asked me what I thought and I said "honestly FMIL, I have never seen you wear anything like that so I think I would have to make a decision once you have it on" we went for dinner and it wasnt brought up again and I didnt get to see it on her, but I dont think that would make a difference.
Ok....now as selfish as this is, I dont want my FMIL wearing this dress. it is horrible. My mom went out and bought this beautiful brown dress and if my FI mom wears this nasty thing I am going to be mad in regards to how photos look (once again, I know I know SELFISH) but you have no idea how ugly this dress is. She CAN buy a different dress. so how do I 'tell' her I dont like the dress??