Post # 1
So, question. My FML is giving a very generous amount of money to the wedding, which we very much appreciate. However, her style is FAR different from ours. We are looking to have an outdoor rustic-style wedding but I think she envisions something far more formal and traditional. We want mason jars, sunflowers and very cool/different details incorporated but I’m beginning to feel like our ideas really aren’t something she cares for.
Since she is fronting a good chunk of cash, are we obligated to incorporate her ideas even when they are not “us?” I want the wedding to reflect OUR style but also want to respect her ideas.
My parents are giving more than half but my mom knows what I like and respects that. It might not be her style but she actually likes the fact that we are different!
Any advice is appreciated.
Post # 3
Yikes. This is tricky.. why don’t you try to include her in other things that don’t involve decor, like food! If she’s a good cook, you could compliment her on that and tell her that you really need her expertise in that particular area. Go see caters and have tastings just the two of you. If not food, some other specific area. Let your mom know what you’re up to so she understands why she’s not being included.
Post # 3
Is she going to host the Rehearsal Dinner over and above the funds she has given you?
If not, I would use her money for that, so she has less feeling of entitlement to any influence over the wedding decor.
If there are funds left after that, use them for the bar- something else with nothing to do with decor.
Gifts should not be given with strings, so I don’t think her gift entitles her to any say int he wedding.
Post # 4
Yes, she will be hosting the rehearsal dinner above what she is giving us. I know she wants to do flowers, per say, but our styles are night at day! My fiance comes from a wealthy family (even though he’s very simple himself); I feel she wants a very fancy wedding…and that’s not us. It’s difficult!
Post # 5
Have you tried showing her an inspiration board for your wedding so that she can get the overall picture? I’m all for open, upfront communication! Let her know that it might not be her style, but that it’s something you and your FI developed together. Hopefully that sends a clear message that you have a defined look that you’re going for.
Post # 6
@sara.levering: Hi, New Bee!
Just a quick note on your abbreviation – we have this whole ‘nother language of acronyms on here, and Future Mother-In-Law is abbreviated FMIL. The only reason I’m taking pains to oint this out is because “FML” is, in text-speak and common jargon, the abbreviation for “F*** My Life.” Sorry. Just had to note that.
I second the idea of the inspiration board. To some people, mason jars and sunflowers sound like you’re having your wedding in a barn and in flannel shirts. But there are so many ways people have dressed that whole look lately so there’s a lot more to it than your FMIL is probably thinking. Give her a visual, show her how other brides have made the rustic look classy and chic, and she might love it!
Post # 7
Have you tried talking it over with her? You said you think she wants something formal. You could try speaking with her and letting her know what you want and just ask her if she is okay with that (since she is paying).
Post # 8
Is she straight up giving you cash or paying for things piecemeal? I had the same problem with my FMIL until I sat her down and explained very straightforwardly that this is our idea for the wedding, we want XYZ, we appreciate her help in making the wedding we want achievable. I also pointed out that her son in a tuxedo next to me in a tea length, polka dot lace dress with purple glitter heels might look out of place. That definitely did it!
Honesty and being straightforward is key. Subtlety isn’t something you want to rely on for something this delicate.