(Closed) Following last post, what can I do to be more independent/desirable?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you need to realize that seeing him every day is not actually limited and focus more on the quality of time spent together rather than the quantity of time.  You also sound like you’re trying to force it or fake it and like you’re not genuinely invested in being independent.

Being independent means making plans without him or letting him do it without freaking out over it. 

I would suggest getting a hobby and scheduling some “me” time for yourself – I like to go get my nails done alone every once in a while or sit in the other room while I go online or watch my own shows.  I try to schedule a girls night every so often.  I go for runs by myself. 

I would start with picking 2 days a week where you schedule one day for yourself and one day for friends that don’t include your SO and just do stuff that is fun – it doesn’t have to be expensive.  Catch up with old girlfriends over coffee, go see a chick flick etc. 

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder and it’s great when my FI and I spend an evening away from each other and come home to the other person and it makes us value each other more.  When you spend too much time together, you start to bicker and feel suffocated. 

Post # 5
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Italiano's Humble

I can totally see where you’re coming from. I’m not trying to be ugly when I say this, but any one of us can die at any time. That for ME is not enough to spend every second with my FH. Why? B/C HE is NOT the only person in my life. I have a son, friends, a few family members(yes, LOL, just a few). It crosses my mind any of my 3 grandparents could leave this world. FH could get hurt at school, on his way to/from there, etc. We could be together and something could happen then.

My “me’ time, is the Bee(LOL), doing my toes(i’m a self pedicurist!), reading, etc. Even when I cook, hes rarely involved. the kitchen is MINE, lol. If I’m in there, get OUT! I do the shopping on my own for the most part, I go wedding stuff scouting on my own. sometimes, if we have the gas, I go for a drive.

i wasn’t able to read your other posts, so i’m not sure which of them you’re referring to. does  your fh get out with his friends? does he have things he likes to do? Gaming, reading, etc? FH and i technically spend all our time together, BUT, we aren’t doing the same things. We aren’t always even in the same room. He plays a group computer game at least 3 nights a week, and I’m either researching wedding stuff, on here, or doing something.

Post # 6
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Nights and weekends is pretty standard, I would think. Mine and SO’s schedules don’t overlap, so even though we live together, we will sometimes go for a few weeks without actually having a full day off together. He often gets home way later than I do as well. We still spend a lot of time with each other. Sometimes we go out and do things, and sometimes we just do our own thing. Like right now, he’s watching TV and I’m online. 

I taught myself how to crochet via Youtube and some free websites. It’s a lot of fun and definitely takes time to get skilled. I also absolutely love to read. When I discovered the Kushiel series by Jacqueline Carey, every free moment I had for the next two weeks was spent reading the six books. When I finished, I immediately started the series again. o.o 

You also might want to consider volunteering! That would be such a great way to gain some independence and boost your confidence.

Post # 7
Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@anon00:  First off, I think you need to figure out what you love about yourself.  Why are you a totally awesome woman and why is your SO lucky to have you?

Things you should do to raise your self esteem and be more independent:

1. Volunteer-  Volunteering is a great, rewarding activity that will really help you to feel better about yourself and view the world around you differently.

2. Learn something new- take a dance class, learn a new language or a skill, try a new sport the opportunities are endless.  Learning something new will help to broaden your horizons and make you feel more confident

3.  Ladies night out- Get all dressed up, and go out with some of your girl friends!  Having a fun night dancing and drinking will make you feel great!

 

About not having enough time, I understand where you are coming from.  I work 40+ hours a week AND I go to school fulltime and I do volunteer work.  Making time for you is an essential part of a healthy relationship.

Post # 8
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee

What about working out? Running in the evening, yoga, gym? That will make you feel better, boost confidence and give you a little independent time to reflect. Go to a coffee shop and read some inspiring books. Meet up with a girlfriend. I think and evening away a week will do a lot of good. Missing eachother can be the best medicine sometimes

Post # 12
Member
9143 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

I agree with volunteering.  It gives you some purpose and you are accomplishing something good for your community.  Even a few hours a month will go a long way. Look at local animal shelters, museums, zoos, hospitals and nursing facilities for opportunities.  I used volunteer at the local zoo and they appreciated it whether you gave an hour or a full day.

You could also do a 5K per month. They are usually Saturday mornings and they are usually over by 9am so you still have the entire day to do other things.  Join a 5K team and make it more social by going to brunch with your team after a race.

Post # 13
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@anon00:  You really should stop thinking about yourself this way. It can’t be good for you. Your SO is NOT better than you because he got better grades and because you think he’s better looking. Or even because he has more friends. A person’s value can’t be measured that simply.

I want to reiterate the volunteering I suggested. You will meet new people, and it will give you a fantastic sense of accomplishment. 

Post # 14
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yeah, trying to make him like you is going to back fire at some point. You need to calm down that at some point you are going to do something wrong and he is going to leave you. It sounds like you want to spend all your free time together so  you dont give him a chance to change his mind about you. This is not healthy. And he will love you and stay or he wont–being with him ALL THE TIME wont stop him from leaving. The only thing you can do is be the best you, you can. But that involves also being comfortable with the worst parts of yourself. You have to beleive that SO loves the totaliity of who you are–good and bad. 

I’m a slob. I leave a clutter trail in my wake. My Mom thinks the only way she snagged and kept a good husband was to be super housewife and that includes having a super clean house. She made me feel like no man will love me because I’m messy. Took me years and lots of therapy to learn how to love my messiness, because it is a part of who I am. And DH knows that I’m messy and because he loves me, he straightens up in my wake. 

Until you trust that someone can love your dark side, you will never feel confident in a relationship. And that can only happen once you become comfortable will all the bad, ugly, dark parts of yourself.

As to what you can do–do what you fear most. Leave him alone a few nights a week. Go to the movies by yourself. Go to dinner, request a table and eat by yourself. Take an Improv class. Go out with girlfriends and sing really bad karaoke. Make some mistakes or make a fool of yourself. Get out of your comfort zone. As soon as you think, I cant do that because…go do it.

Post # 15
Member
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@anon00:  That goes back to quality of time vs quantity of time, IMO.  You can spend 10 hrs with a person sitting near each other on a couch but that doesn’t count the same as spending 2 or 3 hours doing something that will create a lasting memory. 

Post # 16
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I suggest trying to set up or join a book club. I started one recently and it is so much fun to have a little assignment every month and know I have a girls night coming every month.

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