Weddingbee boards

Not that I'm an expert on relationships or anything, but it sounds to me like your FI isn't really doing anything to stop the flirting. And since he's been cold and distant, things really don't look good. I would be very wary of your relationship at this point. I know you want to think the best of your man, and you want to trust him. But with his continuing to communicate with this girl, he really isn't giving you good reason to trust him. I would talk to him about it again and be firm with him. And if things still don't get better, if he doesn't make obvious and REAL attempts to stop his flirtations with this girl, then you really should consider leaving him. You deserve a man that thinks you are his entire world, and treats you like it! If you let him get away with this kind of stuff now, he'll just keep doing it later on.

 I am really sorry to say it, but it doesn't sound like SHE is the crazy one...Sounds like they are both active participants. It sounds to me as though he is not being honest about the relationship. It sounds like he wants to keep talking to her, and keep it going. he might not want to lose you, but he isn't doing much to end it with her either.

I think you deserve better. It sounds like he has really messed up in the trust catergory.

I am sorry hun :(

I'm so sorry you are hurting. 

Trust can be a painful thing but the ball is in your court.  From what you wrote, it seems like he doesn't know what he wants.  A very close friend of mine has gone through something similar (before he became her FI) and it was one of the most painful things to see her go through.  Eventually, they DID work things out but it took some time and lots of talking and regaining what was lost.  Lots of tears but he eventually cleaned up his act and is beyond the most perfect hubbie to her.

This isn't your fault, but I think your FI needs to step up to the plate and be a bit more open about what is going on.  If this girl is on his back, he has the right to shrug her off each and every time without having to consider her feelings.  He needs to consider YOUR feelings as a priority, not someone else's.  If he knows this woman is hurting your relationship, he should know that breaking ties with her is the best thing to do.

If I were in a situation like this, I would give him time to pull himself together and see how bad he wants the relationship to work.  If he does, it'll be time for soem serious heart to heart talks and being open with eachother about how both of us would get through this.  If he doesn't show it, then I'd consider moving the wedding further.  You don't want to marry someone you feel you can't trust fully.

I feel so sorry that you are in this horrid situation but perhaps it's a blessing in disguise. At least you are getting to see this situation BEFORE you marry the guy. You are seeing how he is handling the coworker flirtation and learning that he might not be telling you the truth about the situation, which is a definate red flag (IMO). I think it's important that there aren't lies and secrets between two people who are planning on committing thier lives to each other. I think the lying(covering up) is making the situation seem worse than it really may be.   

It is even more bothersome that he was so cold when you returned from being away. I would sit down with him and have a honest conversation about how you are feeling, find out why it is so important for him to continue this friendship with this woman when he knows how it bothers you, the trust he has broken by continuing his conversations with this girl after he said it was to end, and what really needs to be done to fix it the relationship. If you want to salvage the relationship, I agree that perhaps couples counseling is a good idea. It will help you both learn to communicate and perhaps get to the bottom of why this friendship is so important to him.

So sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best in solving this situation.

PLEASE, don't marry this guy! He's not worth it!

Love usually scrambles our brains but please think logically!

1. He's afraid to hurt HER but not afraid to hurt YOU...which he is, RIGHT NOW!

2. BIG RED FLAG: "you still have a GF"...are you not his FI?

3. Men are never resourceful unless they really want something. Flirting in person, texts, phone calls, IM, monitoring YOUR activities so that she can call....it's sick!

Open your eyes, he wants something from her (think piece of @**)...and he's training YOU to take it without a problem! STOP IT NOW!

I'm sorry you're going through this but this guy does not deserve you. Don't take his crap! 

P.S. I'm sorry if my writing is a little confusing. I don't mean to sound harsh.

You deserve so much more, and trust me- there are men out there who wont do this. I dont know everything about your situation but unfortunately I think you should move on and find someone who wont be doing this to you. I don't think the girl is crazy- I don't think he told her to back off and she is probably just as confused as you are even though its pretty disgusting how she would get involved with a man who is in a relationship- but he is to blame for that, not her. He is the one feeding you both lines. Maybe you should contact her-- she may even tell you that she thought you two were over or had an "open relationship".

It seems like the trust is already gone- maybe you two can work on getting it back but don't waste your time with a guy who is wasting yours.

Good luck

I really hate saying this (b/c I really want to offer some words to make you feel better), but I 100% agree with V's comments above...my gut says you need to get rid of this guy and run far away.  He is not just your boyfriend...he is the man you are engaged to be married to...his behavior is unacceptable... 

Before my husband and I moved in together, there was a girl we went to college with who was inappropriately obsessed with him.  They had hooked up once, before we dated, and she continued to flirt with him every time we saw her (which was infrequently since we lived in different places- but we had some mutual friends).  I didn't trust her at all and felt very uncomfortable with the entire situation.  I discussed it with my husband (then boyfriend) and he said that although he didn't think she would step out of line, if it made me uncomfortable, he would tell her that she needed to stop acting that way, and also that he was going to limit the contact we would have with her (which, as I said, was limited, but occasionally unavoidable) and stop keeping in touch via email/facebook etc.  Since then, he has done just that, and I feel he really stepped up, told her to step off, and fixed the situation.

This is what a husband or fiance should do.  They should prioritize your feelings and comfort over those of other people.  If your fiance hasn't been forceful or clear enough yet with this girl, I think he is sending a pretty strong message to YOU that YOU aren't his only priority.  It's really hard to hear and to consider, but I think you need to either get yourselves into counseling, or break things off with him.   

Oh, I'd like to add- that if they are co-workers, he obviously can't STOP seeing her, so you should consider how comfortable you would feel with him having daily contact with her, even if he did "stop" flirting with her.  That would personally make me crazy, just knowing that he was seeing her, and I think it also makes it much more difficult for him to actually break off this behavior.

I think there are red flags. Like one of the posters said above, the thing that sticks out to me the most is "STILL have a GF." That indicated that he had talked about not having a GF. I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through. I've been cheated on, my FI has been cheated on, and we're very cautious with one another.

If you aren't ready to end the relationship, you should talk to him to see if he is. Maybe he doesn't want to marry you and give up his 'friend.' If he truly is committed to you, he should be willing to cut off conversations with the girl and co to counseling with you.

I wish you the best, and hope you'll follow your gut.

I agree! It is not going to get any better if you get married. He has alrready broken your trust, which is very difficult to regain. I would end it.

My ex was similiar, except he was doing that through the marriage. That, plus various other reason that no woman should have to put up with, earned him a divorce.

CLW-

Sweetie, I am sorry. Like some of the other girls here, I got divorced from my first husband because of infidelity. I can barely even put my fingers to the keyboard becasue I know the fear that is in your heart-the disbelief that is there when you wrote-why would a man buy a ring, get down on one knee, etc.

You are his fiance. You are not a girlfriend. You are his betrothed. He should be SINGING from the rooftops and telling everyone he knows how adorable you are, how cute you were when you did such and such, so much that his friends and coworkers should be borderline tired of hearing about you! This is a good thing! That he is not doing this, that he is being secretive...oh, I would say that I can't imagine how you feel, but I can say that I DO KNOW how you feel.

My point of view is terribly biased-but checking up on your fiance now will probably escalate to checking up on your husband. You should not have to play detective with a significant other-period. That you are asking all of these questions, that the doubts swim in your head-your stomach churns because while you came here to ask advice and questions to us-which is fine, these boards are here to get clarity, to seek support and assistance-you are asking questions that you already know the answers to. All of the soul searching in the world isn't going to change the fact that you know in your heart. No one here can tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but I think that most of us can tell you that you already know what is really going on here and what you need to do.

I can only share my experience, and that of some of my friends, these behaviors are usually a precursor of things to come. Only you can decide what is right for you.

love you sweetie-

Reading this whole things has given me sweaty hands because it's eerily similar to my situation.

 Someone above said something about a gut feeling - that's exactly how I found out. I had a bad dream - flat out asked him if he was cheating on me. He said no. I still had the rock-in-the-stomach feeling so one night when he was asleep I found some questionable text messages to and from a former college friend. We had been engaged for a month. She was also married but apparently bored in her marriage. She knew about me, knew better, and he did also, but he was on a business trip and was bored, apparently. Whatever, it was wrong.

After sitting down to not throw up, I stormed into the bedroom, flipped on the light and said "so, is there something you want to tell me about some text messages?" He got this "ohhhhhh crap" look on his face and copped to everything. I said I never wanted him to talk with her again and this was his second chance - he didn't get a third. He emailed her and told her that I had found the messages and that I was the most important thing in his life and he was going to lose me, so he had to do everything possible to prevent that. He sent it to me also (but was smart taking her email address off of it) and then sent me her response, which insured me that he did in fact send it to her. I didn't trust him for a long while, and still have issues from time to time, but when he used to get frustrated with me asking about it, I told him that he created the situation, so he had to deal with the ramifications. He is still transparent now, after 10 months of marriage, it's awesome. And we also did pre-marital counseling and in some of the things I said I could tell he was very hurt - hurt in a way that he felt awful that he created these emotions within me. 

So while our situations started out the same, they seem to be taking widely different paths. I agree that you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. If he really loves you and wants to be with you, he won't get mad and walk out of the room. He'll listen. You need to use phrases like "this makes me feel like" and "when you talk with her, I feel ..." Don't accuse him, make him see what it's doing to you. He could be telling the truth - it could be nothing (doubtful, but you have to give it a shot). Let's face it, sometimes boys are dumb and don't see what they're doing to other people. Hopefully if you sit down and let him know how this makes you feel, he'll realize it and stop. If he doesn't, well, there's your answer. 

 Sorry that was so long. I get passionate about this topic. 

I agree with everyone else but it sounds like you just want proof to make you more confident in your decision to leave. Have you thought about talking to her? Seeing what she has to say?