Post # 1
SO and I have lived together for 5 years. I am turning 35 soon and told him I wanted to be married or at least engaged by then. He is 42.
He admittedly is foot dragging. We discussed in January he said soon.. Before vacation in June he said when we get back. Here we are 2 months later.
We share household bills, chores and a home. He is divorced 8 years I’ve never been married.
I am am hurt and resentful & just angry. I feel unloved worthless and am not thinking clearly. My emotions are taking over. Help. Please. Not being married or engaged is consuming my life.
Post # 2
Have you tried taking with him about how you’re feeling? That seems like the logical conclusion. Not the whiney “I want a ring noooow” kind of way but the way two mature adults discuss their wants and needs in a relationship. He’s 42, you’re 35, you’ve been together long enough to know if it will work. Talk to him about why he’s dragging his feet.
Post # 3
I left my foot dragger when I was 33 and he was 36. We’d been together over 3 years. There was always an excuse. There were a lot of empty promises and a lot of manipulation. No matter how calmly I would try to bring up the subject, he would get angry, we’d argue and then he’d go to his default “Why would we get married when we argue like this?” After I left him, I realized that I had mentally been doing my breaking up during every argument, emptly promise, and night he spent out drinking with his friends like a 22 year old. I felt less loved than my married friends (many of whom started dating after we did). It was sad, painful, and a drain on my self-esteem. I saw a photo of the last wedding that ex and I attended and I couldn’t believe how sad I looked behind my smile. Don’t get me wrong, there were many other issues beside the heel dragging that were deal breakers I was trying to get past. He hurt me in many more ways than dragging his heels and I shouldn’t have married him anyway.
Fast forward 16 months later and I’m engaged to the love of my life. We’re head-over-heels, butterflies in the stomach in love. A few months after I left the ex, I met a man who is warm, caring, romantic and loving. He wanted to meet someone and marry them, but he was not someone who was going to settle.
Moral of the story, if it isn’t this guy, there will be someone out there who will give you what you want and need. The chances are it will be so much better than the pain and assault on self-esteem of the heel dragger.
Post # 4
You are living with him w/o th benefit of engagment or marrige already so I understand why he feels he can drag his feet. He has what he wants w/o the commitment.
Post # 6
You probably won’t like my advice, but I would be making plans to move out asap.
If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.”
Best of luck to you and I’m very sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 7
It seems like your plan thus far is to hope that this man will come to his senses and ask you to marry him. How’s that working out? Right, time for another plan. How about by the time you’re 35 you have a life where you don’t feel unloved and worthless? All you need to do is be brave and wave goodbye to the middle-aged foot dragger.
Post # 8
After 6 years together, When I was 31, I demanded marriage to then my then BF. He went along with it to, as he often said to people, ‘to shut me up about it’.
I thought being married would make me feel secure and loved. It did neither. Instead, I felt like I’d forced him into doing it. He refused to buy me an engagement ring as it was ‘a waste of money’. He sulked at our wedding reception, which I had had to walk into on my own, as he had walked off from the registry office with his friends, leaving me behind.
Final straw was when I got pregnant and he demanded I have an abortion. I did, as I realised that I didn’t want to be tied for the rest of my life to a man who had so little respect for me. I also didn’t want his child.
Like others have said, I would make plans to move out and move on. I wish I had done the same…
Post # 9
Kamakaziebee: If he is dragging his feet at 42 either he has internal issues or he has issues with you. DH was 39 and divorced when I met him. I was overweight, getting over a serious illness that left me living with my parents and unemployed at 38.
Fast forward 1 year later, I had a job and we were talking about marriage. 1 year later we were married. (Me 40, he 41) We had lots of baggage and fears to deal with. But we worked through them and knew we wanted to be married.
After 5 years, he should know whether or not he 1)is the marrying kind and 2) if he wants to marry you. At this point he is just toying with you to keep the status quo. Time to move out. Maybe not break up just yet, but move out and stop living like husband and wife.
Post # 10
I echo what everyone else has says. Every minute you spend with him is a minute spent that you’re not finding the love of your life. Right before I met my FI I was hung up in a long distance relationship. I spent ages waiting for him to make the next move – literally. I was hoping he’d start making an effort to see me more but nothing. When we were at the same conference, he literally acted like I wasn’t there. I flew home, accepted an invitation from my FI to have coffee and the rest is history. While our situations aren’t the same, looking back I realize I was just in waiting mode and could have been for years. This man had no intention to move or get married. The breaking point was when I questioned him about our future and he said “Lay off. Who do you think you are? My wife?”. I certainly wasn’t and decided not to waste another moment on him. You can’t will or force someone to marry you. With my FI I never mentioned us getting married. It was he who started looking at rings. He asked me when I least expected it. I didn’t have to push at all.