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Is everything out or just sex? If you're willing to do masterbation with each other it could make it easier. Only kiss when in public- bring on the PDA! I'm gonna be honest I have no idea when the last time I had sex was- probably TMI. For a long time it drove me nuts then steps in "the pill". It's completely killed what desire I had. Not sure how FI manages, but it makes it a whole lot easier since we haven't seen each other in at least a month. Does your SO masterbate? This could help A LOT. Definately not the same of course, but at least it wouldn't feel like a fire breathing beast of hormones everytime you kiss. My fiance and I didn't get intimate until after a year- pretty much- of dating. We done a lot of hand pleasuring for each other until we decided to take the next step.
Agree with Jellybean. Can you do other things besides actual intercourse? That could make things easier.
I have no direct experience with waiting (I didn't, obviously), but that's all I can think of.
"he's decided".....have "you guys" decided? I'd be really upset if my SO took kissing off the table. You guys are affectionate....it's hard to go backwards in that department. I think i'd start to feel neglected and unloved because dammit I need a goodnight kiss!
Talk to him...encourage him that you'll help him keep the boundaries, but if you're not happy him taking everything off the table, let him know how that'll make you feel, too.
December 2011 is a long ways away....I don't think I'd be happy with something like kissing being off the table for almost 2 years.
We waited. Our engagement was on the shorter side 11 months. We did a lot of kissing, clothed body rubbing and some touching. We tried to keep the touching above the waist most of the time. It was hard. It was really hard when we were at each other's condo's since we both lived alone. If we felt things were getting too heavy we tired to have our dates in public places for a while.
No kissing would break my heart...how do you feel about that? I think the two of you need to have a serious discussion about what the boudaries of your relationship are going to be, and I think that it's really important that you both make the decision. It can't just be a one-sided discussion. Your wedding is a long way off, and it will feel even longer is you're not allowed to be affectionate! I agree with pp....there are ways other than actual intercourse to relieve sexual tension and increase intimacy. If those are okay, I would definitely explore them!
Mostly Religous reasons, its important for both of us. Not sure if I could make the no kissing thing though. Sigh
My FI and I spent most of our relationship doing "everything BUT." So you can definitely satisfy yourself that way, if your religious convictions don't make you uncomfortable with that.
Giving up kissing would break my heart too! Let me get this straight--he's the one who wants to put off sex more so than you (although it is mutual) and yet he's also the one who "can't stop" once he kisses you? I kind of have impatience with the idea that someone "can't stop." It's been used to justify many a rape (in much different contexts as yours of course!). If you're really in the moment and not concerned with the end (intercourse and/or orgasm), then just making out like teenagers can be completely satisfying, both physically and emotionally.
yeah - i'm not too excited about not kissing... i figure i'll play with it for now, and then after he's had a chance to feel 'good' about himself for succeeding we'll have a talk.
and when i say he's convicted, i mean he's convicted :P basically we're ruling everything out except for light kisses on the cheek, hand holding, and hugs.
i doubt it will last thought. i'm gonna try and work out an in between.
Ceamoste,
If its for religious reasons, you can do it! My FI and I have been together for 5 years, and the majority of that time, we stuck to hand-holding, cuddling, short kisses and hugs. We both felt that anything more was 'too much' as far as temptation goes.
My wedding is in about a month, and I'm happy to tell you that it IS possible to wait - don't give up if you both feel strongly about it.
Good luck.
good on you, in some ways i really wish i had waited, fathers and grandmothers are right when they talk on this subject. wait.
don't put yourself in situations where it will be difficult.
I (respectfully) disagree with hotchild and jellybean. My FI and I are waiting until marriage. We've been together for four years and nine months, and yes, the temptation is definitely there. But, I can promise you that in my experience, the temptation was much, much more difficult to deal with when you push your boundaries. It has always been much easier for us to have clear boundaries because then there's no question of what's going to happen or not happen.
Now, that's us specifically, so obviously what applies to us won't apply to everyone.
Good luck, keep up posted, and feel free to send me a message if you ever need support! :)
Ceamoste,
I'll probably repeat a lot of what has already been said, but we're waiting as well for religious purposes. It is so hard for both of us, and their is a good reason we are long distance most of the time. We talk about it a lot which helps us, but I've learned that when your guard is down or when you're having like a spiritual 'high' you will be most tempted. My FI and I know that if we are on a bed or in an apt alone we are in that it will be hard to turn back. I've received so much advice, but it's true that it's different for everyone. I once suggested not kissing- that didn't last. I tried kissing while only standing....yea that didn't work either. We're trying to only be inside when there are others around, and I try to never go to his bed. Some other tips I've heard and tried-
- say a word that you two decide on when you know you're going too far or feeling tempted (sometimes the hardest part is just stopping once you've started)
- have a friend that can keep you accountable and encourage you when the two of you are together
- most importantly: pray
- try not to wear anything revealing....and it's hard because I love to feel sexy but you still can!
- OH AND DO NOT TALK HONEYMOON TOGETHER lol He's surprising me which we decided part because it was too hard talking about this stuff and part because he wanted to.
Hope some of that helps- I'm in the same boat!
Make yourself and your FI busy. Busy with work, school, volunteer, hobbies, visiting family and friends, traveling, physical activities (camping, hiking, mountaineering, race training), sports. Those will tire you out. Trust me. Why do u think that parents with young kids actually have to make time for intimacy....temptations are just not enough when the first thing you want to do to flop down in bed and pass out! Good luck!
We didn't wait for marriage but we did wait for quite a long time. We're not religious but both of us wanted to be sure we were both comfortable taking that step. My advice would be to appreciate how enjoyable this kind of sexual tension is!
Once you're having regular sex and are really comfortable with each other, you lose that temptation and tension. It's really very enjoyable and I think it's good for your relationship to have this stage where you linger for so long on why you desire each other! We used to make out and drive each other crazy for an hour or so and it's wonderful intimate time. Now that we've been having sex for quite a few years, we never do this anymore, because if we make out it usually leads to sex pretty quickly, which is fun in its own way, but the kind of sexual tension you have now is certainly not without its charm! Maybe accepting that this period is enjoyable and special for its own sake will help a little. Good luck!
My FI and I are waiting for religious reasons also. Actually we've been waiting since we started dating. It's been a LONG 4 years.....There are so many temptations that go along with it and it is really hard sometimes to put the boundries in place. Of course I'm a lot better at it than he is. Guys love affection and they love having your attention (and body
) lol Your FI is very strong for saying he doesn't want to kiss until the date. Idk what I'd do if I couldn't kiss my man. I think I'd feel like a certain connection was gone and that'd be hard for me. I totally support your decision but it's going to be very very hard for you...let's just hope you dont have a long engagement!
My FI and I have been engaged for a year and have 3 months left. My advice? GET MARRIED NOW. :P But seriously...long engagements suck for couples who are waiting for sex, and I wish we had gotten married a lot sooner...the temptation is so hard. But, you CAN do it. Be careful with the no kissing rule...don't try to replace it with other ways of showing your physical affection...because you just end up skipping steps and being more physical than intended.
ladies - i just wanted to say thank you for all your support and advice!
a little update. N and i had a heart to heart, and realized that stopping cold turkey with the no kissing wouldn't work with us because it just made the longing that much worse.
so we've decided to make an honest effort to get out and explore more, spend more time with family and friends, and only cuddle on the couch in the main family area.
all of your advice was great, and it definately helped to realize that there are more people who have been through this. gotta love the hive!
Yes, waiting until marriage is soo difficult!!!! I'm sort of almost done with a year long engagement, and we're waiting until we're married to have sex.
We have found that our engaged months have been much, much easier to abstain from everything than it was during our dating months. Basically, we had to get on the same page as to why we were abstaining in the first place. When we weren't on the same page, it was so difficult, even though neither of us were pressuring the other to do anything. We also had to look deeper into the reasoning why our religion (Roman Catholic) says we should wait. After we did this, and praying together about it a lot, we have found that we can successfully abstain from everything but kissing and hugging, without being in agony and without finding ourselves in situations where we sort of mess up.
So, I completely respect everyone's beliefs and certainly do not mean to push my religious views on everyone, but I just love Theology of the Body, or Humanae Vitae, an encyclical written by Pope John Paul II. It's a beautiful and biblically based testament to the infinate value of the human body and the purpose of sex. I'm mentioning this just because this was a huuuuuge factor in why we wait, and why we can successfully abstain without killing our hormones:)
Basically, it says that sex has two purposes: it's a completely selfless and self-giving renewal of marriage vows and a time to strenghen your bond with your husband--to say to each other that "I love you and I would die for you!" It's also meant to be "open" to creating life--it doesn't have to necessarily make a baby every time (obviously, whew!), but it should be open to the possiblity of making a baby. This also leads into the Catholic stance on contraception, but that's another story:) This theology says the sex is to be all-giving of oneself, not holding anything back, and a symbol of how you would give everything to save their life.
To have sex outside of marriage, according to this theology, is to take something meant to be a completely self-giving act and make it selfish (I'm certainly not calling anybody who has sex before they're married selfish! I just want to accurately paraphrase the theology). It is to make something meant to say "I would die for you" to mean "I want to use you for my pleasure." I know this is not something anybody means to say to their BF or FI when they have sex with them, obviously. But in essense, the act of doing this by the standards of this theology, is to simply use that person for their own benefit. And this was a huge motivator for my FI and I to just stop messing around.
Please don't take this to mean that I'm calling ANYONE selfish. Again, I completely respect anybody who believes and acts differently. This is simply something that my fiance and I believe in and really love as a detailed reason why the Catholic church believes the things it does about this aspect of human life. A more accurate and articulate version of what I've said is in Christopher West's book The Good News of Sex and Marriage.
We're certainly not perfect and waiting of course is still a challenge, but it's just not a constant battle anymore against our hormones. Simply coming into a deeper understanding of why our relgion holds such esteem in the value of sex and the bonding of two human souls and bodies really, really helped! We're now (semi) patiently waiting for something that we know will make us closer, but will only make us closer when we become husband and wife. This has enabled us to still be in love, still be romantic, and to still have a sex drive, but without having sex (yet).
Oh my goodness this post is huge. I hope this wasn't too much, but it helped us so much, maybe it might be beneficial to you too!
I'm waiting too and echo what the other bees say- stay busy, stay in public areas and make sure you're both accountable to someone who you can pray it over and talk about it with!! DEFINITELY keep off the honeymoon talk- we're getting married in under 3 months now and honeymoon chat doesn't help at all!
On the plus side, be glad it's so hard! One of my friends from church was telling me how she and her Fi were never tempted, and they're either lying or going to have an unpleasant surprise re how they physically feel about each other once they're married!!
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whether it be because of distance, religious reasons, personal reasons, or perhaps you decided to have a dry period before the wedding...
how on earth do you deal with temptations?
my so and i are waiting for religious reasons (although he's wayyyy more strongly convicted than i am), and we've been finding it really hard to resist. so much so that he's decided we're not going to kiss on the lips anymore because it's too much for him.
i mean, i'm flattered that he wants me so bad, but are there any other options besides 'just refraining'? we've still got a long while before we can get married, and i know it's only going to get harder...