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I know what you mean - I'm definitely someone who enjoys "MY TIME" and " MY SPACE"... I don't deal well with roommates, but somehow it's different with DH. Granted, yes, there are still times I want to scream and have "MY SPACE" but for the most part it's good, because I have the house to myself for at least an hour every day. And our house is big enough that if I need to "get away" he can go in the basement with the PS3 and I can be upstairs with my nook - perfect! When DH was out of work for a bit, it got to be frustrating because I lost that hour of alone time after work before he got home, and I'd come home to a mess - but we communicated and I told him what was eating me, and we've adjusted to living together quite nicely! :) Good luck!
I'm a person who loves my own time as well but have lived with DH for two years now. What exactly do you mean by privacy? Just getting time to yourself? Or having your own section of the house to do your own thing?
One thing I realized after moving in with DH was we didn't have to spend every waking minute with each other. If we're both home, I'll sometimes go upstairs to read, watch TV or a movie, whatever. You can create your own alone time.
Haha, I feel your pain! When my FI moved in, it took like 6 months for me to stop feeling like he was filling up my apartment with his crap and to start feeling like it was "our" apartment.
My advice is to plan organization of space. When FI moved in, he left behind his old crappy furniture so he was moving his stuff into my drawers. No one should have to share an underwear drawer! When we got new dressers, it helped. Also, be clear about your pet peeves but recognize that habits are hard to change. My man seems incapable of hanging up a towel after coming out of the shower. He leaves it on the bed. As I type this, I feel my blood pressure rising. His response is he's done it all his life, it drove his mom crazy too, and I should start thinking of wet towels as "parcels of love" he left for me. I try to gently remind him when I see him doing it, or just take the 2 seconds to do it myself. Sigh.
Its not just you!!! When FI and I moved in about 6 mos before the wedding, OMG I couldn't wait for him to go on work trips. The main things that bothered me were:
1) Lame car-makeover shows ALWAYS on the TV. If he gets tired of those, it's The First 48. On repeat. (I do like that show, but it can get pretty intense)
2) Mess. There is a set of car springs on our living room floor because I guess that's a good place for car springs? They've been there for a while.
3) He talks a lot. A LOT. I'm the silent type. I've always known this about him, but he likes to decompress by coming home and telling me his day in detail. When we lived apart other people got to hear it, apparently, and that was the one thing I hadn't learned about him.
I am alive today to tell you that these things do become less bothersome. I had to learn to just go to another room when I want my alone time--it's OK if the whole apt. isn't my sanctuary. The talking I just got used to. The mess--well, we got a dog, so the old mess is spotlessly beautiful by comparion...
I felt like that and was very worried about moving in with DH but I have to say that I LOVE living with him. I think there are a few things at play with that. First.. I feel like living with him is a lot easier than having him stay over when we were dating. Mostly because when it was MY house I kind of felt like I was responsible for him having a good time and now its OUR place so I can do my thing and he can do his thing and I don't have to worry about it.
Also-- we actually do take time apart which I think is good. We both like spending time alone and it reaaaaaaaally helps that he has a "man cave." That way if we want to watch different things or if I just feel like being alone for an evening we can hang out separately and its almost like he isn't even home!
I'm not married yet, but SO and I live together and I still fondly remember times when we had two seperate apartments. Don't get me wrong I love him more than anything, but I loved living alone. Things that bothered me most:
Not being able to find something because he put it "away" somewhere other than where I keep it
Clutter, I like clean minimal decorations and he does not.
Sometimes I just need space like when I've had a particularly bad day at work and I just want to destress for a minute and listen to music or unwind. He will follow me around and try to talk to me and has assumed I was mad at him because I didn't want to talk.
I'm sure I'm not a perfect house-mate and we have communicated our issues and found things that work for us to make living together better for both of us.
I was really scared for my DH to move in back when we were dating for the exact reasons you just mentioned. I really really really loved my personal space and was so not looking forward to giving up any privacy. And since I was only in a 1 bedroom that meant giving up 1/2 of my closet, dresser, etc. which was NOT fun. Also, I used to live with roomates and hated it.
But honestly, I can testify that living with DH is WAAAY better than living by myself. It's like living with your best friend but better. I quickly adjusted to the whole privacy thing, we still respect each others privacy, more than roomates would. And if he eats all my cereal, I don't get mad because he's my husband and we share finances. There's nothing I enjoy more than when my DH comes home :)
I felt the same way as you. I do NOT like living with other people - even close friends. I like my space and I like things the way I like them.
BUT - living with DH has been a nice thing. It does help that he's way more tidy than I am (almost annoyingly so, because he gets on me for clutter than wouldn't have bothered me before).
We both work and look forward to spending time together during the weekday evenings. He usually works most Saturdays, so those are MY days to have my time.
You won't really know until you are in the situation, but NOW talk about how to carve out space for each other. Maybe that's him hanging with the guys and giving you a night at home alone. Or you creating alone time for yourself outside of the house.
It ends up being a lot about compromise and I think the thing that makes marriage 'work' is you are no longer just living for your own best interests but also considering what's in your FH's best interest.
Give yourself some grace as you adjust. It's good you are thinking of these potential issues now, but don't let it get too overwhelming, because you may surprise yourself!
I miss my personal space. I miss when all the closets were mine. The clutter, especially the paper clutter and leaving crap on the counters drive me nuts. What really drives me crazy is the constant channel flipping and raely getting to watch what I want. Ugh. I think we need a second TV just where to put it is the question since we only have a living room and two bedrooms. Not fond of TV in the Master.
I think being really honest (and gentle) when you need space is your best bet. My husband and I are both that way, and live in a 1-bedroom apartment. We basically make it a point to go out with friends without the other one once a week at least to give the other a free evening at home. We also have a staggered work schedule, so he has a couple of free hours in the morning, and I have a couple of free hours in the evening. If one of us needs "space" other than that, we kiss the other one on the cheek and go hang out in the bedroom, leaving the other to the living area. HIs computer is in the dining room, so he spends more time there, where I have a laptop, and can easily relax with it in the bedroom.
I lived by myself all through college and also loved it! I was pretty sure I'd never want to live with someone else, even my husband. But oh how wrong I was, I love having him here. When I moved in, we designated the spare room as my place to go when I need me time. I had a tv in there and all of my art stuff set up. I think I only used the room once, I'm much happier downstairs hanging out with my hubby.
@kayakgirl73: Yes to the channel flipping!!! Ugh! :) What is the deal with that anyway, I mean I feel like it makes watching any 1 show much less enjoyable whenyou can't stick around and see what happens next.
We are both very independant people. Here are the things that help us stay sane:
My advice would be to be honest when something is bothering you and let him know what you need. It is an adjustment living witih someone but when they love you they will take your feelings into account and that makes everything way easier!
Ha! I hear you! I still haven't given up my apartment, even though I spend all my nights with my now DH, we have since before we were engaged. I am subletting my apt., but like to have it there --a rent stabilized apt is a valuable commodity! I know it's silly. I also have a house out of town that I got before I knew him, and I spend many weekends there. He tries to come up when he can, and it is nice because it is my space, and decorated to my taste, where his apt. is large, but cluttered. As far as time alone, our work schedules are pretty different, so we really do enjoy seeing each other for a few hours on weeknights and weekends that we are together. Even on our honeymoon we didn't spend every hour together.
OH god... 2 years?? I lived alone for FIFTEEN! and I'm a total hermit! I thought it was going to be hell when he moved into my 810sq foot condo, BUT... he doesnt bother me at all. I'm so blessed, he's like the easiest person in the world to live with. He lets me hold the remote. We watch whatever I want, ALL THE TIME! He'll PVR anything I don't like and watch it while I take a bubble bath. He cleans up after me! He does my laundry, cleans the litter box, vacuums, does the dishes etc... the only thing he doesn't do is cook, and he claims this is a fair tradeoff. And, he lets me make all the decor decisions. I'm such a lucky girl.
@SuperKate: I think it's a little of both. I know that we're both going to be gone for work and school but I also worry that I won't have my own space anymore. Right now, the whole house is "my space". I've been trying to turn the spare bedroom into more of a me space so I'll have somewhere to go so I can get some alone time.
@MsJeep23: Mess is another thing. FH usually leaves stuff laying around. Be it dirty clothes, towels are dishes. He gets in cleaning moods every now and then... and I also got a dog after we'd been together about a year, so I do know what you mean about FH mess vs. dog mess lol.
@happyheartbee:I'm the same way. I don't always want to talk about my bad days, but FH will constantly ask me what's wrong...
@oracle: I was worried about "man time" because FH doesn't know anyone where I live, but one of his college buddies is planning to move here to be closer to his girlfriend, so I hope he can get in his guy time.
@kayakgirl73: Yes, the channel flipping... FH will start watching something, I'll get interested in it and then he'll change the channel. I rarely ever get to watch anything I want to when he's here, so I do have a feeling we will invest in another TV at some point.
@MissTatas: That whole bathroom thing kills me. FH complains that it takes me too long to get ready, but it's really hard to put makeup on when he's attached to me or trying to kiss me...
@MissNoodles: Yes, just two years. But I spent lots and lots of time alone while I was living at home with my parents. I was a hermit there too. I was always hidden in my room...
I'm just really glad that I'm not the only person who feels/felt this way though.
We get alone time here and there. Like when he's been going to the gym lately or hangingout with his brother, and I stay home. We're also apart when I'm at work. We mostly enjoy eachother's company. We also sometimes spend some time apart when he or I visit our families, and it's kind of good because then we *miss* each other again:)
@happyheartbee: I'm not married yet, but SO and I live together and I still fondly remember times when we had two seperate apartments. Don't get me wrong I love him more than anything, but I LOVED living alone.
THis is my story now. Me and my FH always say we both are going need our seperate spaces when we finally upgrade to house. I NEED MY WOMAN CAVE. I adore him but i really have my moments (like tonight) when I just don't want to hear another voice or see anyones face but my own. But here he his laying next me while i'm typing this LOL. We are just honest with each other and sometimes we let each other know, we are having one of those "me" days, please back off.
@SouthernGirl: I am exactly like that! It doesn't bother me so much when it's FI but I HATE having roommates. I think it's mostly I hate someone always having to know where I'm going and what I'm doing. It's not like I'm doing anything bad, I just like to do what I want when I want. I always make sure to get some alone time. I would just let him know you enjoy your "me time" and it really has nothing to do with him. That's what I did. On the cleaning stuff, I explained to him that when he is here I do twice the work so we do it together and that seems to help motivate him.
DH and I really loved our separate apartments and we were 30 when we married, so we'd been on our own for a long time. But honestly, most of my "I need alone time" moments came while we were engaged, and not after we got married. DH was always around even though he technically lived elsewhere and he is a bit of a mess. We had SO much junk everywhere because of the wedding and school that I was losing my mind. I'm not a neat freak by any means, but it made me feel agitated the moment I came home. There's no place to hide in a tiny space and I felt like a jerk going off on my own for "alone time" because I thought it would hurt his feelings.
So before we got married we made a conscious decision to create a living space that would work for us. We moved 5 miles away from my school, but it made it affordable for us to move into a 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment that's fairly new in the area, with a washer/dryer, dishwasher, gym, pool, hot tub, etc. This way the laundry and dirty dishes never pile up and we don't fight about it. We agreed to keep electronics out of our bedroom and just make it a quiet space for the two of us. We turned the other room into an office/guest room, but really its DH's mancave, which he adores. I have a separate built-in office space in a nook by the kitchen (which is my happy place), and I use the 2nd bathroom when I need a bubble bath to relax. Until our house got organized and all the wedding gifts were unpacked, we paid for a storage unit (for about 2 months) just so the house wouldn't be full of boxes (and again, keep wife happy).
Most days he hangs out in his office and I work in the living room or at my desk, kinda like we have cubicles. We usually eat meals together and chat. He takes out the trash, takes in our recycling, and does the dishes (to keep me happy). I do the shopping and cook our meals (to keep him happy). One of us runs laundry whenever the hamper is full. After dinner, we usually take a walk just to talk about our days, or soak in the hot tub, so we have a chance to relax and reconnect. We even invested into a DVR to record our respective TV shows or sporting events so that doesn't become an issue. Later on when we have a larger home, we've agreed to make it a priority to get a housecleaner.
I know moving to a new place isn't always feasible for everyone, but I think the point is trying to anticipate what might be possible points of contention and ask what we can do to prevent it from happening. For us, it was more space, more appliances, and keeping the place somewhat neat so that its still a peaceful space to come home to.
Oh my stars, I feel so much better. I had a freakout today about moving in together...I haven't lived with anyone else in 6 years or so!
@SouthernGirl: My FI and I have been living together for over four years and the best thing I can suggest is find something that interests you outside of the relationship and living together, something that you can call your own.
For me it is volleyball. I go play, get my personal time and he gets the house to himself to indulge in video game time.
If you don't want to leave for your personal time perhaps just mandate some me time to read in the room or somewhere that is comfortable, without interruptions or intrusions.
I was worried about this as well because I'd been living on my own for quite awhile and love having my own space. I moved into my husband's house since I was living in an apartment. It's been about 6 weeks so I'm not one to offer advice, but I do have to say that I haven't felt the need to get away from him (much), but it has been a challenge to combine households and I still don't feel like it's my house. We've had a few tense moments when trying to figure out what to do with stuff, but everything has been a lot better than I expected it to be. It does help that we both have some time when we work when the other doesn't so we can each have some alone time at home. I'm also trying to take time to do the things that feel like me. I do hope we can eventually move into a new, bigger house together so we can each have some of our own space to retreat to, but right now that's not an option. One thing that feels different (and better) than roommate situations is that I feel like, slowly, my husband and I are creating a home together whereas with roommates, it felt more like we were all just temporarily living together.
I had to laugh at the comments above about flipping channels! My husband does that too and it's one of my biggest pet peeves about him 
I also need personal space and I always would kid that if I ever got married, we would live in a duplex - half the house for us, and half the house for me! But then I met my now husband. I wanted to be with him all the time. It was so easy to live with him. Ok, well not the first three months. It took us about that long to really figure out how to live well with each other and to get in sync. But even during those first three months, I still wanted to be with him a lot of the time. I liked coming home to him and found I didn't need the me time I thought I would.
Does your fiance know you are the type that needs a certain amount of personal space/ personal time? Mine was well aware of that and when we discussing moving in together he started listing off "must haves" for the apartment. And one of them was a room just for me. Since you have a spare bedroom that you can turn into me space, and if your fiance knows you need to be off by yourself sometimes, I think you will end up being just fine!
Also, living with your fiance/husband is completely different from living with a roommate or even a best friend. So don't let your past experience with roommates make you worry about living with your fiance/husband because it is really like comparing apples to oranges.
I agree with PPs. Also, living with a guy isn't the same as living with a roommate. Even when I lived with my best friend, I still didn't walk around naked, so there were times that I'd have to put on a robe or towel to run to the bathroom or something. With DH, it's okay if I'm naked. That's sort of a silly example, but I just think it's easier, because it's not like a roommate where this is "my space" and this is "your space," but rather the entire house is "my space" and "his space."
@BeanPod: I think he does. We've talked about it before and we were dating while I was living with my last roommate. He knows that I like me time and it usually pretty good about backing off. I'm also not really touchy feely either, but we've talked about things like this. I just freak out sometimes when I'm thinking about it for an extended period of time.
We don't have the option to move for a while after we get married, but we are looking into rental houses where I plan to go get my master's degree and an extra bedroom/space is a must.
It's very simple.
1) Make sure there is enough room in your house/apartment for you to have personal space. It doesn't have to be a formal space only for SouthernGirl, just enough rooms where you're not on top of each other and you can be alone comfortably if you feel like it. In my house my DH are either in the family room or the bedroom. Both are spacious and comfortable, have TV's and internet access.
2) Respect one another's "me time". Certain times of the day you and/or your spouse may just not want to be bothered with others. You may just want to zone out and/or be alone. For us, we both are quiet in the morning. We may be in the same room drinking coffee, on the computer but not talking. It's as if we were alone. Some evenings we watch different things on TV in different rooms. We don't need to be up under each other all the time. I don't really understand couples who do everything together. Yeeesch!
@2ndtime: I can't deal with it either. When FH and I first started dating, if I was running down to the little corner store right down the road for some bread, he'd have to tag along. Luckily, we've gotten out of that stage... I try to get in a little alone time when FH's here now but I always feel bad if I need a lot of time because FH and I don't get to see each other much...
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How will/are you adjusting to living with someone else?
I really like living by myself. I mean, REALLY. There are times when I don't like it as much, but it's never been so bad that I actually wanted someone to move in. I've had roommates before and I hated it. I didn't really enjoy living with one of my best friends... I was always antsy and I felt that I really didn't have any privacy. I've lived on my own now for two years and it's really getting difficult for me to fathom living with someone else in a little less than a year, even if he is my FH.
I feel like a bad person because I'm not thrilled about living with my FH. Nothing against him, but I like my privacy... I have no idea how I'm going to adjust to any of this...
Advice? Tips? Or just anyone else in my boat?