(Closed) For Bees who really love their personal space…

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
3620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I know what you mean – I’m definitely someone who enjoys “MY TIME” and ” MY SPACE”… I don’t deal well with roommates, but somehow it’s different with DH. Granted, yes, there are still times I want to scream and have “MY SPACE” but for the most part it’s good, because I have the house to myself for at least an hour every day. And our house is big enough that if I need to “get away” he can go in the basement with the PS3 and I can be upstairs with my nook – perfect! When DH was out of work for a bit, it got to be frustrating because I lost that hour of alone time after work before he got home, and I’d come home to a mess – but we communicated and I told him what was eating me, and we’ve adjusted to living together quite nicely! 🙂 Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
2384 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m a person who loves my own time as well but have lived with DH for two years now. What exactly do you mean by privacy? Just getting time to yourself? Or having your own section of the house to do your own thing?

One thing I realized after moving in with DH was we didn’t have to spend every waking minute with each other. If we’re both home, I’ll sometimes go upstairs to read, watch TV or a movie, whatever. You can create your own alone time. 

Post # 5
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Haha, I feel your pain! When my FI moved in, it took like 6 months for me to stop feeling like he was filling up my apartment with his crap and to start feeling like it was “our” apartment.

My advice is to plan organization of space. When FI moved in, he left behind his old crappy furniture so he was moving his stuff into my drawers. No one should have to share an underwear drawer! When we got new dressers, it helped. Also, be clear about your pet peeves but recognize that habits are hard to change. My man seems incapable of hanging up a towel after coming out of the shower. He leaves it on the bed. As I type this, I feel my blood pressure rising. His response is he’s done it all his life, it drove his mom crazy too, and I should start thinking of wet towels as “parcels of love” he left for me. I try to gently remind him when I see him doing it, or just take the 2 seconds to do it myself. Sigh.

Post # 6
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Its not just you!!! When FI and I moved in about 6 mos before the wedding, OMG I couldn’t wait for him to go on work trips. The main things that bothered me were:
1) Lame car-makeover shows ALWAYS on the TV. If he gets tired of those, it’s The First 48. On repeat. (I do like that show, but it can get pretty intense)

2) Mess. There is a set of car springs on our living room floor because I guess that’s a good place for car springs? They’ve been there for a while.

3) He talks a lot. A LOT. I’m the silent type. I’ve always known this about him, but he likes to decompress by coming home and telling me his day in detail. When we lived apart other people got to hear it, apparently, and that was the one thing I hadn’t learned about him.

I am alive today to tell you that these things do become less bothersome. I had to learn to just go to another room when I want my alone time–it’s OK if the whole apt. isn’t my sanctuary. The talking I just got used to. The mess–well, we got a dog, so the old mess is spotlessly beautiful by comparion…

Post # 7
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I felt like that and was very worried about moving in with DH but I have to say that I LOVE living with him. I think there are a few things at play with that. First.. I feel like living with him is a lot easier than having him stay over when we were dating. Mostly because when it was MY house I kind of felt like I was responsible for him having a good time and now its OUR place so I can do my thing and he can do his thing and I don’t have to worry about it. 

Also– we actually do take time apart which I think is good. We both like spending time alone and it reaaaaaaaally helps that he has a “man cave.” That way if we want to watch different things or if I just feel like being alone for an evening we can hang out separately and its almost like he isn’t even home! 

Post # 9
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m not married yet, but SO and I live together and I still fondly remember times when we had two seperate apartments.  Don’t get me wrong I love him more than anything, but I loved living alone.  Things that bothered me most: 

Not being able to find something because he put it “away” somewhere other than where I keep it

Clutter, I like clean minimal decorations and he does not.

Sometimes I just need space like when I’ve had a particularly bad day at work and I just want to destress for a minute and listen to music or unwind.  He will follow me around and try to talk to me and has assumed I was mad at him because I didn’t want to talk. 

I’m sure I’m not a perfect house-mate and we have communicated our issues and found things that work for us to make living together better for both of us. 

Post # 10
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I was really scared for my DH to move in back when we were dating for the exact reasons you just mentioned. I really really really loved my personal space and was so not looking forward to giving up any privacy. And since I was only in a 1 bedroom that meant giving up 1/2 of my closet, dresser, etc. which was NOT fun. Also, I used to live with roomates and hated it.

But honestly, I can testify that living with DH is WAAAY better than living by myself. It’s like living with your best friend but better. I quickly adjusted to the whole privacy thing, we still respect each others privacy, more than roomates would. And if he eats all my cereal, I don’t get mad because he’s my husband and we share finances. There’s nothing I enjoy more than when my DH comes home 🙂

Post # 10
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I felt the same way as you.  I do NOT like living with other people – even close friends.  I like my space and I like things the way I like them.

BUT – living with DH has been a nice thing.  It does help that he’s way more tidy than I am (almost annoyingly so, because he gets on me for clutter than wouldn’t have bothered me before).  

We both work and look forward to spending time together during the weekday evenings.  He usually works most Saturdays, so those are MY days to have my time.  

You won’t really know until you are in the situation, but NOW talk about how to carve out space for each other.  Maybe that’s him hanging with the guys and giving you a night at home alone.  Or you creating alone time for yourself outside of the house.

It ends up being a lot about compromise and I think the thing that makes marriage ‘work’ is you are no longer just living for your own best interests but also considering what’s in your FH’s best interest.  

Give yourself some grace as you adjust.  It’s good you are thinking of these potential issues now, but don’t let it get too overwhelming, because you may surprise yourself!

Post # 11
Member
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I miss my personal space. I miss when all the closets were mine. The clutter, especially the paper clutter and leaving crap on the counters drive me nuts. What really drives me crazy is the constant channel flipping and raely getting to watch what I want. Ugh. I think we need a second TV just where to put it is the question since we only have a living room and two bedrooms. Not fond of TV in the Master.

Post # 12
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think being really honest (and gentle) when you need space is your best bet. My husband and I are both that way, and live in a 1-bedroom apartment. We basically make it a point to go out with friends without the other one once a week at least to give the other a free evening at home. We also have a staggered work schedule, so he has a couple of free hours in the morning, and I have a couple of free hours in the evening. If one of us needs “space” other than that, we kiss the other one on the cheek and go hang out in the bedroom, leaving the other to the living area. HIs computer is in the dining room, so he spends more time there, where I have a laptop, and can easily relax with it in the bedroom.

Post # 13
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I lived by myself all through college and also loved it! I was pretty sure I’d never want to live with someone else, even my husband. But oh how wrong I was, I love having him here. When I moved in, we designated the spare room as my place to go when I need me time. I had a tv in there and all of my art stuff set up. I think I only used the room once, I’m much happier downstairs hanging out with my hubby.

Post # 14
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

@kayakgirl73: Yes to the channel flipping!!! Ugh! 🙂 What is the deal with that anyway, I mean I feel like it makes watching any 1 show much less enjoyable whenyou can’t stick around and see what happens next.

Post # 15
Member
3126 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

We are both very independant people. Here are the things that help us stay sane:

  • different work schedules. I set my own schedule and make sure we have at least one day off a week while the other is at work, and we don’t always work the same hours.
  • different play areas. I hate basements so he has free reign. He spends a lot of his free time down there working on music and playing on the computer which leaves the main floor free for me.
  • different TVs. This has only been a must once since we moved into our house 6 months ago. One night my niece and I wanted to watch Criminal Minds while he wanted to watch American Idol with his uncle. We also have a DVR so neither of us have to miss our shows when the other wants to watch somehting.
  • different bathroom schedules. I get annoyed when I am bothered while trying to get ready. Took him a while to catch onto this as he always tried to talk to me, hug me, kiss me etc. Life is much easier now that he knows just to leave me alone!

My advice would be to be honest when something is bothering you and let him know what you need. It is an adjustment living witih someone but when they love you they will take your feelings into account and that makes everything way easier!

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