For bees who've gone through a divorce…Please tell me it gets easier

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
42490 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Laurencw:  The heartache will be eased by time and distance. I left my husband after 10 years of marriage ( no abuse) with 2 children. I had never worked outside the home.

I worked full time and went to school to get my nursing degree and moved on with my life.

You will too. We are a lot stronger than we think we are until put to the test. Your self esteem has taken a huge hit and right now you are lacking confidence. You are an intelliegent woman and you will recover from this.

Post # 3
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Cape May

My heart goes out to you right now. I am divorced after being in a lousy marriage for 3 years. I can tell you that leaving was the hardest thing but the best decision I ever made. The journey of picking up the pieces after really taught me a lot as a person. It takes time and a lot of people were not supportive of my decision at the time. But from what you describe it sounds like you are making the right choice. It does get better from here. I am engaged to a wonderful person and together we have experienced so many memories that I would not have known if I had stayed in my own situation. If you need to talk I am here for you. Just know you need to do what’s right for you. Hugs <3

Post # 4
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Laurencw:  No words of wisdom here. Just want to say that you are not a failure and deserve to feel proud, strong, and an excellent role model for others that are in the position you are/were in. 

Post # 5
Member
1622 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Cape May

I forgot to add that I, too, was 28 at the time. (I’m 32 now) I continued working and started putting myself through school to finish a degree I had started prior to getting married. I also tried to pick up new hobbies just to deal with all the conflicting emotions I felt. I took up painting for fun and joined a gym to take some Zumba classes. I certainly felt alone but I also needed to sort through all the feelings I had going on. You will too and that’s absolutely part of the process. 

Post # 6
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Oh Laurencw, my heart aches for you. Coming to that decision of leaving is the hardest decision to make. Given your circumstances, you are by far making the best decision for you. I won’t lie, it’s hard and you feel like you are in a deep dark well and unable to get out. I felt like every time I started climbing my way out of that deep dark well, I got pulled right back in. Each time I kept getting closer and closer to getting out until eventually I did (and I had 2 kids). You too, will start to see the light and there will be so much happiness. You are still young, no kids, so it will be easier. You have the strength and power within you. You have already shown that by making that decision. I have no doubt you will have the strength to persevere and find everlasting happiness. 

This is coming from someone who thought I would never ever find someone that would love a divorced woman with 2 kids that was so emotionally and mentally broken from the first marraige. Yet, here I am, ago be married in November to a completely wonderful man, who went through almost identical issues, full time father and I feel like nature is finally getting it right the second time around. I thought I was in love the first marraige but it is nothing compared to what I feel now! 

You, too will find this. Be strong, the feelings you have are just temporary. It does get easier! Happiness is waiting for you! 

Post # 7
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

It does get better.  Especially when the decision is SO RIGHT.  I left with a 10 month old, it’s hard, but you make it through.  Anyone who says it’s easy is full of shit.  It was my decision to leave, I was not in love anymore, and just was not happy.  Some people thought we should have gone to counselling, or that I didn’t try hard enough.  But, when you just don’t love someone no amount of work can make that right.

I’m glad I made the choice I did, I’m now happily married in my 30’s.  28 is not ‘old’ to be starting over at all, and really who says you have to start over right now anyway?  Go live your life, make new friends, find new hobbies.  Take care of YOU and everything will fall into place.  Being single for a while is a great thing, don’t look at it like it’s the end of the world.

No matter how hard it is now, or how badly you feel, you’d have been worse off if you’d have stayed.  When shit gets rough and you think you need him, don’t let yourself remember the few good times and run back, remember all the times he yelled at you and treated you like garbage.  Because those are the times you’d be going back to, not the times before the wedding.

Life is too short to be unhappy.  There just isn’t enough time to be miserable.  You can do this! Good luck 🙂

Post # 9
Member
774 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Dalhousie Castle

Laurencw:  It sounds like you have been incredibly brave to stand up to your abusive husband and say enough is enough! You haven’t failed, he has. He’s failed to be a good man and a good husband.

By making this decision you future just filled up with so much potential. You’re going to look back on this in a year and give yourself a huge pat on the back for getting out and not settling for an awful marriage. The alternative would be to be stuck in his home with you and your kids being abused by this man, and you deserve way way better than that. 

I’ve never been through a divorce, but I’ve been through breakups, in fact at 28. I’m now 31, married to a wonderful man! It always gets better with time. Try to take each day at a time and just get through. 

 

Post # 10
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

AnotherMrsBrown:  not only did he fail at being a good man, or husband…he’s failed at being a decent human being in general!

Post # 11
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’m right here with you.I was 27.Controlling,emotionally and verbally abusive husband.Luckily never phisically.I was never strong enough to leave,he had to cheat on me and dump me.I was shattered,I thought I would never love again,or even live again an happy day.It took me only 2 months to realize that I am MUCH better off without him.It still took a while for the pain to ease,and I stll grieve the loss of the life I had always dreamed about sometimes…but I’m happier,healtier,and I finally know what a loving,happy and healthy relatonship is. You are already stronger than I ever was.You were strong enough to know it was time to leave.You will be fine sweetie,you will be great.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  Comealongpond.
Post # 13
Member
4805 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Laurencw:  I promise it does get easier. Each little thing I did made me feel better. Move out. Get my own bank account. Get my own cell phone plan. And best of all, the paperwork that said my marriage was officially dissolved. Best day ever! You are extremely smart to get out now, it took me 8 years. And I feel the same, I don’t have to put up with all his junk anymore and feel badly for the next woman that does. It gets better. And better and better. And you know what? Now I’ve found a man who treats me so nice. He’s kind and thoughtful. There is not one ounce of drama. I just can’t even tell you the difference! Good luck….

Post # 14
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I am so sorry that you are in this terrible situation. I think you really need to commend yourself for being strong enough to make the decision to leave.

I have been through a divorce via my parents. They divorced when I was 21, so I obviously was very aware of what was going on. It literally was the divorce from hell- my father left my mother when she was ill with a brain tumor. He tried to take her off his insurance, and thank god my brother intervened, because she later needed brain surgery (which saved her life.) Because of her illness, my mom couldn’t work and had no source of income. It seriously was the worst situation- my parents even threatened to use me as a witness during court proceedings.

It has been nearly 4 years since the divorce went through. Despite what she went through, my mom is happier than I have ever seen her. The point of my story is that things get better- sometimes you have to go through hell to get where you need to be. You will be so much happier without him, and be able to find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

Post # 15
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

It will get better for sure. Especially if you were in an abusive relationship. Just keep note of that in the future and don’t fall for the same type of guy. I was married before, though he was not abusive, I was not happy. No matter what type of relationship – if it doesn’t feel good, it’s not for you. Try and be happy that you are freed from this situation and know better things await!

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