For Better or For Worse?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
1028 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I second the cheating but the only way I would forgive is if she was drugged. Other than that, no excuse to be intimately involved with someone else.

My primary however is drug addict/alcoholic. I watched this go on with members of my family and I saw the torment from years of abuse and I refuse to stick by someone thru that. You have ONE chance to shape up, go to rehab and get your family back – I will support my future wife but after that, its a complete wrap for me!

Post # 4
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

That’s a tough, but super important question. FI and I have said that cheating and abuse = the other person breaking their vows, and in that case once one party has broken the vows, all bets are off. Also I think if he had been lying to me and there was something about him or our relationship that would have changed my mind about marrying him if I had known about it before, that would be another reason.  But anything short of that needs to be worked through. Easier said than done, I’m sure.

 

Post # 5
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This of course is all predicated on the other person putting the effort into fixing things that aren’t working. If the other person checked out, that’s akin to cheating.

Post # 6
Member
11668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

abuse, infidelity, untreated/uncontrolled addiction.

Post # 7
Member
3280 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

The absolute only reasons for us would be abuse, abandonment, and adultery.

Post # 9
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Abuse, adultry, addiction.

Post # 10
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@asianbarbie:  Drugs or alcohol addiction that he wasn’t willing to get help for. Or if he was sentenced to more than 5 years in jail!

His were if I cheated, drugs/alcohol, or 2 years in jail.

 

Post # 11
Member
830 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@asianbarbie:  “Realistically the only time we would discuss separation….. or physical abuse.”

Ditto.

Post # 13
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

I may or may not divorce for cheating; depends on the circumstances, to be honest. i think there’s a difference between a one-time event and an ongoing affair, as well as the reasoning behind seeking those things out.

Emotional,  physical, sexual abuse? Adios.

probably wouldn’t divorce *immediately* for a substance abuse problem. I’d try to work with him. If he was not willing to work on it at ALL, I might think differently.

I would divorce if he wasn’t willing to defend me from his family. If he’s always going to prioritize them and basically tell me to shut up while they do whatever, I’d bail. There’s a reason in-laws are so commonly cited in divorces.

Post # 14
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

For me, whatever it is…..I can’t forgive someone if they dont’ want to be forgiven, if they just stop caring, stop trying…to me it would be very difficult to stay in a marriage with someone who just doesn’t care enough anymore. 

Post # 15
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@asianbarbie:  My “for worse” would end at cheating. I would probably try to get past it and forgive him if he was really sorry about it. But in reality, I know myself, and I would never be able to let it go. I would subconsciously hold it over his head and torture him until my pain subsided, which would be exactly at the end of time. So it would serve no good purpose to stay together. I would still love him, but it would be over. Abuse of me or my children would also be the end. I’ve been down that road before (me being abused, not my kids) and have no desire to revisit that state in my lifetime. And finally, if we just ended up on seriously different planes. If he someday lets it slip that he’s really a racist bigot, I couldn’t live with a person like that.

I’d say that I should know what kind of person he is already, but after having been married, divorced and had an 8 year abusive LTR I have learned one very important thing. You can never know all the depths to anyone’s soul. Maybe not even your own. Life and circumstances bring out different things at different times in different people. I will never attempt to think I truly know someone again. I only know what I have been shown. And that has made me love him. If someday I find out that he not the person I think (and hope) he is and those new developments change my feelings for him, there will be no choice, but to leave.

Post # 16
Member
6073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

 I did leave my ex when it was in “the worse” stages.  There was emotional abuse, almost physical abuse (he liked to threaten me with a raised fist).  Lots of disrepect from him.

Cheating may not necessarily end it for me, but for H it probably would he said.

Substance abuse?  THat would be tough, probably leave.

Alcoholism?  Leave for sure, my dad was an alcoholic.

Phyiscal/emotional/sexual?  Yes, leave for sure.

 

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