Post # 1
Background: Fiance and I are LD and I will be packing up and moving in with him after the wedding. But Future Mother-In-Law is getting on my nerves!!! He relocated about 10 months ago and in that time span I’ve visited him twice. But she has visited SIX TIMES! It’s like every other month she’s going down to see him and he does NOT live close enough for me to consider this normal behavior. Her constant visits had sparked a discussion about always consulting each other if family wants to visit after we’re married…
Current Situation: So Future Mother-In-Law is actually visiting him right now, and earlier this evening he told me she wants to come down less than 2 months after we get married and finally move in together. He didn’t say yes or no to her because he wanted my thoughts on it first. But I felt like UGH! Especially since supposedly her side of the family will already be in our area for a family vacation a month after the wedding…so that would be 2 months in a row that she’s trying to visit. And by visit I mean staying in the guestroom, and being in our space while I’m still trying to nest and adjust.
Is it just me, or is this too much? I feel like it would be one thing if we were local, and she stopped by a few times a month, because ultimately she would go home at the end of the night and it would seem more like a true visit than a houseguest situation. But because we will be so far it just makes it seem so much more weird and overbearing! I don’t want to be wifezilla, but I grew up in a family that is very respectful of space and boundaries, and my parents always used to tell me to never wear out my welcome. So I’m not sure if I’m so irritated by her audacity because of the way I was raised, or if my feelings are justified. So for newlyweds, or anyone living with an SO, would this be too much/too often for you?
Post # 3
:-/ I don’t like having people in my space, so waaaaay too often. I’d feel like I had to be martha stewart just to not incur crazy judgment, and I would have a hard time feeling relaxed in my home because I’d constantly be preparing for the next visit. So I’m totally with you.
I’d be pushing for a TRADE on visits, if you’re like me, happy to visit others, not super pleased to be visited constantly.
Talk to your FH about it, and get on the same page. Ask him to never OK a visit without asking you first, and to always say the same line to his mom: “I’m busy now/I don’t know now/Gotta check my calendar, let me call you back and talk about it.” (Not “I have to ask the wife” or anything relating to you, because that makes you come off domineering. Just “I can’t answer now.”)
Then sometimes, maybe half the time, he will call her back and say that the two of you have plans and she should visit another time. Hopefully she won’t be so incredibly rude to push it past that. If she were, I’d expect my FH to simply stand polite-but-firm and say that that weekend is a bad time and not allow her to weasel her way in.
He should always be the one to say yes or no to coming, he should not mention you during the conversation, and she should not get to speak to you about it (because she could pressure you in a way you’d be more vulnerable to.)
Post # 4
for how long would she be staying if she does come visit? And how far apart is it?
Post # 5
I’m a visit me in short bursts type person (hours not days) unless there’s an emergency. So WAY too much for me! lol.
We have a spare room but it’s a computer/work/storage room, on a good day a double air matress could be put down. Darling Husband (when we were just living together, not even engaged) asked about his parents staying overnight (they only live about 70 minutes away). I think my reaction was enough, deer in the headlights, “if absolutely necessary”, etc.
I’m allergic to anything smelly and most animals, and I’m a happy hermit. I like people, in small doses. 🙂 I don’t know what he said to his parents but it didn’t come up again. I know he was talking to a friend that used to crash at his place all the time and I overheard “well, I don’t mind, but she isn’t really that comfortable with people crashing as I am.”
I don’t care if he tells people I’m allergic and home is my safe non smelly place, or that I’m just an anti social hermit :).
Post # 6
Seems kind of strange. My parents would visit me and my sister when we lived far away and stayed over, but since my sister got married, they’ve never slept over at her place. They would stay at a hotel. I’m pretty sure they would do the same when I get married.
However, you say it is just his mother. Are his parents divorced? Is she maybe lonely?
Post # 7
@Bebealways: Yeah this is exactly what I need him to do from now on! Actually I’m not 100% sure how he phrases it when he tells her he’s not sure yet, but I hope he’s not throwing me under the bus lol.
@blastkiss: She always stays like a week at a time and I’m pretty sure she would find every reason to come down there as she does now.
@MrsTangerine: Yes I’m a short burst person too lol
@everyheart: Yeah she’s divorced and lives alone, but she has her grandkids with her 3 days a week and her daughter is over there often, and I try to hangout with her once or twice a month as well. But it’s clear that Fiance is her favorite and she just loves being around him. She even mentioned possibly moving down there and he told her not to…urgh!
I should probably also add that she hijacked my bday trip a couple months ago and pretended she didn’t realize I had already planned to visit him…I’m still irritated over that as well!
Post # 8
Maybe it’s because I live 12 hours away from my family, but I’d love it if my mom could come visit every other month. Have you talked to him about how often he wants her to come visit?
Post # 9
@Galang_Gyal: I can understand you point. I as a guest always feel a little awkward staying in others houses. And hosting a guest is the same.
That said I am extremely extremely close with my immediate family (My Mum is my best friend really) so I would have no issues with them visiting whenever they suited.
That said I think my parents would be respectful of the newlywed status .
Post # 10
Personally, this wouldn’t bother me because my family is big about traveling to see each other often. BUT, I can see that not everyone operates like that, and if you’re not keen on entertaining… it would give me pause.
Is it possible that your Fiance is just a tad homesick? You said he relocated, and you’re not in the position to visit him frequently. It seems like his mother is, and I am sure he doesn’t want to come across as ‘ I need my mom!” as a grown man. But it is possible that he isn’t discouraging the frequency of these visits at the moment because he enjoys the company. If it continually becomes a problem in the marriage, and after the initial planned visit– maybe then it should be addressed. Different families operate differently when it comes to travel and arrangements, it is just something you may have to end up compromising on the keep the peace.
Post # 11
I voted 3-4 times a year. i personally only like to see my dad one a year a year cuz he drives me completely batty, but we see DHs parents several times a week usually, and if they moved away I would anticipate seeing them at least for major holidays, probably more often even. It sounds like your Fiance is close to his mom, and would enjoy seeing more than a couple times a year as well. Is it possible to alternate some visits and you guys go there so you aren’t always playing host? Also I completely agree with what others have said about him getting back to her after “checking his calendar.” Let him know that if he wants you and his mother to be able to maintain a good relationship he can’t blame not being able to host her on you constantly
Post # 12
@abbylyn: He’s never given a number of times or an actual frequency but I will be asking him this ASAP so we can come to a comnon ground. I think 4 times a year is fine…like once a season But beyond that is just overboard. Hopefully he agrees!
@justjade: I’m extremely close to my family too, and I could see myself being more lenient to more visits after we’ve adjusted and gotten into the swing of things. But we have never lived together so I think it’s just dumb for her to want to be a houseguest less than 2 months after we settle in. She needs to cut the umbilical cord.
@Mrs_Amanda: Yupp he was homesick for a while. So at first I was like okay that’s nice that he’s able to have some familiarity. But at some point I think he has to grow up and she has to stop being a helicopter. You’re right, I’m not keen on entertaining for days on end. Short bursts are fine, but not a week straight every other month lol.
@Utopia4us: I totally forgot to mention the alternating visits. We would probably visit 2 or 3 times a year, so that’s more of a reason for me to feel her frequent visits are excessive.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t give a number up front, because setting a hard limit sounds a little wife-zilla. BUT, I completely agree with you. She needs to scale back her visit schedule after you get married. I think just let her come for that first visit, but let her know that you guys are only available to host her for the weekend or something like that. Maybe the next time she asks to visit say it’s not a good time (even if it is). That might ease her into the mentality that she cannot just drop by at her whim. If she asks why she can’t come, I don’t see any reason why your husband can’t just honestly say “I’m trying to enjoy my new home with my new wife, so we’re not doing much entertaining right now.” Girl, I say set the precedent before it’s too late!
Post # 14
I look at it this way. How often would I want my own mom to visit? She is allowed the same curtesy.
The other item is since you dont want to entertain, then early on you set the precendent that when she comes, she is pretty much on her own. You wont take time off of work, be in charge of her breakfast and lunch. She can fit into your schedules.
I personally would love for my mom to visit once a month for a weekend or a week every other month. So his mom would be allowed the same.
Post # 15
@Overjoyed: Yes so true! We do need to set the precedent. I think that family vacation that’s supposed to happen is alright since that’s already been in the works for a while. He & I aren’t going on the vacation, but since they will be nearby I wouldn’t mind seeing her and some other family members. But the proposed visit the following month is a NO! Lol I’ll be talking about it with him when she leaves his place later this week. I don’t want her evesdropping and then interjecting on our decisions.
Thanks yall for the advice and opinions!
Post # 16
@Galang_Gyal: yup that’s a lot then! I definitely think her visiting no more than 4 times a year is enough if you guys also go see her!