Post # 1
Bees, I am seriously torn right now. During an argument with my husband last night, he became violent. He didn’t actually lay a finger on me, but at one point he was screaming at me nose to nose. I was seated and he was standing over me. He then proceeded to pick up and smash our laptop to pieces on the floor. It is completely ruined. I am so unsure of our future, and truly believe marriage is for better or worse. I just feel like he doesnt respect me ( also called me a cunt and a spoiled asshole), blamed me for spending too much money, even though he only makes 1k more than me and I just got a raise. I can’t believe I’m this girl, I barely recognize the person he has become.
This morning he acted like nothing happened. Didn’t apologize or try to make amends. He slept like a baby, and I’ve been up all night on and off and finally got up at 4. Can a marriage survive this rollercoaster?
Post # 3
I believe that a marriage can survive anything if the right steps are taken. You both need to seek out therapy and figure out how to deal with his anger. You two need to sit down and talk about last night and what was said and what your plan for the future is. Violence is unnacceptable in any form and should not be ignored or made like you don’t have to acknowledge it.
Good luck and I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.
Post # 4
It sounds like your husband has some serious anger issues. While most bees may tell you to “leave him”, I suggest getting some counselling first or have him go for anger counselling. Smashing a laptop, screaming in your face and calling you horrible names isn’t acceptable ever.
Post # 5
From your previous post a few months ago, sounds like he has some major anger issues, and they haven’t been resolved since the last post. I believe you both need to sit and talk, and consider counseling, together and separate help/counseling if you wnat your marriage to work.
Post # 6
Oh hell no.
I don’t deal with this shit, having been in this relationship before, but I guess suggesting counselling is a good step. If he declines, argues, says he doesn’t have a problem, you may have to rethink the marriage.
Post # 7
@marriageishard: Your emotional and psychological safety are in danger. More importantly, your physical safety will be come more and more endangered as time goes on.
I was previously married to an abusive man. Abuse starts out like this – with a smashed object and yelling, cursing, screaming. The fact he didn’t apologize tells me he is in the testing stages with you, to see how much you’ll put up with. It WILL escalate with time, that’s a guarantee.
Reading this I’m shaking. Please tell someone IRL what happened. Please read about the Cycle of Abuse. Don’t allow this to go on for years until you become a battered wife, like I did. My ex-husband behaved exactly the way you’re describing at the start of our marriage. By the end of it, several years later, I barely escaped with my life and had to get a restraining order against him.
Be scared. Be very scared. That’s a healthy reaction to what he did to you. Don’t let this go and get counseling for yourself, forget the marriage counseling, that will certainly backfire on you with an abuser.
Praying for you.
Post # 8
This is not normal behavior. This is abusive behavior and it will not get better.
I am so, so sorry but please do not put the idea of marriage above your own safety and well-being.
I would strongly recommend individual counseling for yourself. I would also recommend thinking very seriously about getting out of htis relationship. But if you aren’t there yet, at least go to counseling.
Post # 9
Definitely suggest counselling… that is not normal, and I personally would have been terrified. My FI has never even raised his voice to me, let alone smashed an expensive piece of technology to bits because he was angry. Get help before what he smashes isn’t an inanimate object, but you.
Post # 10
I suggested therapy for us, but he is insistant that I wouldn’t listen or follow the rules. I have no idea why he snapped, none. He says I rolled my eyes and he started in right then with the fuck you, go fuck yourself….
Post # 11
He hasn’t apologized yet? I think you need to have a serious talk about how you felt last night. If you feel unsafe doing so, I can on ly suggest going somewhere public just in case he tries to fly off the handle again. Like PP, I believe a marriage can survive most anything if you do this right. You guys probably need to see a counselor, especially him, for his anger issues.
You should NOT feel threatened in your own home.
Post # 12
marriageishard I’m sorry you’re going through this and I understand that you don’t want to call it quits over this one occassion but if you want any chance of a relationship to come out of this you need to put your foot down NOW.
Take a step away from him, stay somewhere else, tell him to stay somewhere else and tell him under NO CIRCUMSTANCES will you EVER put up with being shouted at and made to feel scared by him (or anybody for that matter). For all intent and purpose your relationship is now on hold until you’ve work out how to move forward from this incident and you need time to work out how YOU want to move forward from it.
He will resist at first, accuse you of overreacting, and maybe there will be few more threats thrown in there when you tell him this, (which is telling in itself) You need to give him your boundries that he cannot dare cross.
Then only one of the 2 things will happen next, he will either agree to work with you on your terms to work out what’s going on here (Therapy, talking to friends, whatever else you feel is necessary) or he won’t. And you’ll have your answer about what sort of person he is right there.
Don’t excuse or put up with this, and I’d be sure as hell asking him to replace the laptop and give me a heart felt apology for the unacceptable way he spoke to you.
Post # 13
@Sunfire: I am so sorry you went through what you did but thank you for sharing your story in order to help another Bee.
Post # 14
I have to disagree with those saying whether her marriage will work depends on what she does. HE is the one who needs to make that decision because HE is the one who is an abuser and needs to change. It’s getting him to that point where he wants to change that is difficult. He sounds very, very dangerous. I would leave and only give him one chance to make some drastic changes. Your life is at stake.
Post # 15
@marriageishard: You wouldn’t listen or follow the rules? Seriously?!
Read up on projection. It’s the part of abuse where the abuser places blame on the victim. Sound familiar? With a man like this I wouldn’t even recommend counseling. He will just learn how to manipulate and abuse you ‘better’. Counselling is for couples that are having other types of issues where they BOTH want to work on it. If he chooses to go to counseling on his own and change his behavior ON HIS OWN without you having to convince him to go and keeps it up consistently for about a year…then I might CONSIDER the chance that he has changed.
Post # 16
Domestic violence is not about anger and what you did or didn’t do. It is about power and control. While seeking therapy would be beneficial for someone who WANTS TO CHANGE, it appears that he does not see that he has a problem. I suggest getting therapy for yourself and doing that should help you make a decision about what is best for you.
The domestic violence counselor in me says run for the hills but that is highly unrealistic if you are not ready to do such a thing. I think it is important for you to better understand the dynamics of your relationship and how he treats you. I think that therapy for yourself will really open your eyes to things you probably don’t even realize are abusive.