For those bees who have lost their mom…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m so sorry for your loss – I haven’t lost my mom and I can’t even IMAGINE what you’re going through. 

That said, my grandmother (dad’s mom) passed away about a year or so before I was born from cancer. She was only 51. They had been married for just about 30 years and had three children together. My dad was always closer with his mom, so obviously, her death devastated him. Less than a year later, my grandfather was engaged to a new woman and a few months later, they were married.

Now, this “new woman” has been married to my grandfather since I was about a year old, so I consider her my grandmother. She is a great woman and we all love her dearly, but my father has never really been able to forgive his father for moving on so quickly. He and his father were never overly close, but since my grandfather has been remarried, the distance between them has grown even more.

I don’t even have any advice for you – I just think your father needs to consider what he is doing and how it affects your entire family. Obviously, he is lonely, but perhaps you should talk to him and let him know how you feel. He is grieving too, and this is just his way of handling it. I would say to let your feelings be known and to try and support him. My father never did either of those things and his relationship with his father was never repaired. Even 25 years later, there is still a lot of resentment on my dad’s side on things in terms of how quickly his dad moved on.

Post # 4
Member
3089 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@MissHockey:  First of all, I’m so sorry for your loss.  I know the pain of losing your mother, and I know how difficult it is to cope.

I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time with your father dating already.  It’s hard to accept that you can’t control or have any say in how quickly someone moves on, but for each person it’s totally different.  Your father may feel that he has the closure that he needed and wants to move on to the next chapter of his life.  Him dating so soon might be helping him keep his mind off of how hurt he is.

My uncle’s wife is a widow.  Her husband passed away of cancer a few years ago.  She and my uncle were engaged within a year of her husband passing away.  It’s not because she didn’t love her husband.  She still talks very highly of him and you can tell it tore her apart to lose him so soon.  My uncle just happened to come along at the right time and they were perfect for each other.  I’m not going to lie, a lot of my family judged her and my uncle pretty harshly. It seemed so soon for her to be engaged to another man, but it’s truly what was right for her.  I had the chance to spend some time with them this past weekend for the first time in 8 years, and they are SO in love with one another.  They really make each other happy.  She did open up a little about her deceased husband, and we talked about how easy it is to ask “why me?”, but she has no regrets.

Sorry this is long, but I hope you’re able to make peace with your father’s decision to start dating again.  He is probably doing it “behind your back” because he knows it will upset you.  You’re still mourning the loss of your mother, and that will probably last for a long time.  I do think it’s important to be supportive of your father and be there for him.

Post # 5
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MissHockey:  Although my parents were divorced (for a long time, in fact) when my mom passed away, I wanted to share my input because I too have seen many different faces of grief.  And, I believe, your dad’s sudden leap into a new relationship is (perhaps) a way he is grieving.

I believe your dad dating someone new, so fresh from your mother’s passing is a way to fill a giant void in his life, especially since his new girlfriend/lady friend is so sick as well.  He spent so many years caring for your mom, and 26 years in a marriage to her.  Although some people need a lot of time to process that loss, others need someone/something else to fill that heart break, and the sadness.

It does not mean he is trying to replace your mom, because that would be impossible.  Grief is so different for so many people.  My sisters and I were extremely close to our mother when she passed, and we all dealt very differently.  But, although we did not  understand how one was coping one way, and the other another, we COMMUNICATED with one another thru it all.  I would express to my younger sister that her lack of sadness (seemingly) ‘concerned’ me, and she was able to express to me that she was sad, but but she was only sad alone – by herself.  I quickly learned, we all did, in fact that how we as individuals grieve is OK.  We may not understand it fully, but trying to change it for someone else is impossible. 

Talk to your dad, express your concerns, and you just may find peace in his response, and keep your family together thru such a tough time!

Post # 7
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@MissHockey:  And to clarify, it’s not like my dad and his father don’t speak. They do. We still get together on all the important holidays and many other times throughout the year. They still have a relationship, it’s just not as solid or real relationship as it once was. 

I think your “one year” thing is a really good idea and I think your father should be able to respect that. If he doesn’t and if you want to have a good relationship with your father in the future, you may just have to forgive him that and support him. But obviously, that’s easier said than done.

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