(Closed) For those not waiting

posted 8 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@Leah0486: I must admit that in previous relationships I came closer to crossing the line than I ever thought I would… and during the time i was in those relationships, yes, just like you, i had a change of heart and (almost) doing it brought me closer to my then boyfriends…

but once i realised what i was about to do was wrong, and i repented, i realised this change of heart (in my case, i’m not saying it’s the same for you!!!) was that in me the Holy Spirit was leaving me as I kept sinning, and I felt better because the guilt was going away as I was walking away from God….

Now I’m in a relationship with a Christian and it never even crossed our minds not to wait. But as I said, this is my experience and may not apply to your case…

The only thing is, the Bible hasn’t changed and God hasn’t changed… so what has changed?

Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

DH and I are both Christians and I never once felt guilty….until my very religious friends started telling me i was being a bad person, basically, and being very judgemental. It was then, and only then, that i had a really hard time with it. And basically got some advice from people who know the bible very well that we were committed, loved each other, and marriages today are different than they used to be, and we were essentially married in God’s eyes. Since I see marriage as essentially a legality (the committment is what i view as a marriage, the laws just kick in after that and make it official!) it seemed to settle my heart. Even so, I’m married now and I feel like it’s very much so water under the bridge. I can only do my best.

Post # 5
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My fiance and I both struggled with this. He wasn’t a virgin when we met after struggling with a sex addiction, and I lost my virginity to him. But after about a year, we decided that it was interfering with our ability to be comfortable in Christian community more than anything, and so we stopped. We still spend nights together and flirt and whatnot, but he hasn’t seen me naked or touch anything, or I him, since February 2010. We’re getting married next year and I’m looking forward to it!

I still masturbate though. I am not perfect!

Post # 6
Member
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@ejs4y8: Sorry, I appreciate I am being a bit judgemental.

I just think… yes everyone is entitled to their own choices, but all I wanted to say that it’s not because it FEELS right that it IS right…

 

Post # 7
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

While it is true that what feels right isn’t necessarily right, the OP is not trying to engage a debate as to whether or not what she’s doing was right, but looking to see if other christians have lived similar experiences. This could easily get heated and I think we should stay on track.

To the OP. My experience was a bit different… I waited for a long time with DH, but ultimately for him, for many reasons I will not elaborate here, this part of our couple’s life was important to him before he was even able to commit… I knew in my gut that he was the one for me, and accepted that it would not wait until marriage. He was my second. I pushed the guilt away, but I have to say, it does feel better for me now that we’re married.

Post # 8
Member
13101 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I had always figured that I would wait until I was married, but it got to a point with FI where I just knew in my heart it was right.  Not for a second have I ever wished I’d continued to wait or felt guilty about my desicion.  As long as you are comfortable with your choice, don’t let anyone tell you differently or make you feel bad about it.

Post # 10
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

My DH and I waited for a while but then we both knew that it was something neither of us was interested in waiting long term.  This was a change for me… I have had many a conversation with some of my close friends. We also broke the mold and moved in together before we were married.  I caught a lot of grief about this from many of my more conservative and more judgmental christian friends.  However, my family and DH’s family were completely supportive!  

Here are some things I have learned from this experience and friends who waited or did not:  

1) I’ve seen far too many friends get married quickly (i.e. dating, engaged and married in less than 6-12 months) because they didn’t want to wait to have sex but did not want to be in sin.  While I can respect this, many of them are now struggling in their marriages for a variety of reasons but the main one being that they did not take the time to really get to know each other and each others goals/dreams before getting married. Some did rush into marriage to ‘have sex’ and are now looking at divorce.

2) Do not make this decision lightly.  This is a decision you can’t turn back.   However, be honest with yourself and your partner about your concerns and why you are making this decision. 

3) This is a decision between you, your partner and God. There will be people that will judge you and disagree with you.  Frankly we are all unique individuals and God leads us in different directs.  My belief is that God gave us the ability to reason and make decisions, lets use it! The same set of prescriptive practices do not work for every individual and couple. 

4) Be honest with your close friends.  Even if they don’t agree with your decision, your true friends will accept that it was your decision. Find another christian friend you can actually be honest and forthright about being with your FI without being judged.  

5) Educate yourself about birth control options and your sexual health.  

6) Communication.  No matter your decision, keep building a friendship with your partner and communication about your hopes, dreams, fears and decisions. 

In reality, some of my views are very strong, and others won’t/don’t agree with them.  I tend to make waves in the christian community in general because I’m fairly liberal in other areas as well (i.e. gay marriage, gay clergy, relationships, social justice, etc).  However, I am really at peace with my relationship with God, my faith, my family, and DH. In the end, this experience has really strengthened my faith and given me an understanding of the christian community that best suites me. 

Post # 11
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

God gave you a conscience and I think you have to use it, so if you’re happy and okay with your decision, cool. I think a lot of people have a change of heart when they feel as though they’ve met the right person–you are not the first =]

Post # 12
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with amaroo.  I thought I might wait but then had a change of heart.  My husband is my one and only, though he had slept with his long term girlfriend a hand full of times before me.  I think there are many great things about being each others one and only but there’s so many things that happen in life that it’s hard to make any hard and fast rules.  And really I’d argue the Bible doesn’t say say pre-marital sex is bad (hi concubines in the Bible) but rather don’t be promiscuous, treat sex with respect, and don’t use sex in a manipulative or forceful way.  Sex is a strong drive that I think can rush marriages and that’s not what I wanted my engagement decision to be at all based on. We were ready and even ready to welcome a child if that was the result and knew we’d have a wonderful marriage, we just needed more time mentally than we did physically to prepare for a marriage.

Post # 13
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@ troubled and @ejs4y8 Well said! 

Post # 14
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

@ejs4y8: I really like how you put that.  I agree that marriage is more about the committment then the actual legal paperwork.  These days a wedding costs so much and you have to save up and plan and it takes so much longer to get married even though the couple has already committed themselves to each other. 

Post # 15
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

When I was in college, all of my Christian friends (and I) were waiting. I believed very strongly in it, but was always a little perturbed about how it was held up as this ideal. It seemed to be the absolute hallmark of whether or not you were a Christian. After college this began to bother me when I began to grow in other areas of my faith, such as social justice. It bothered me that my friends were kinda these “perfect Christians” because they w ere waiting, but things that were really important to me like volunteering or considering the poor weren’t as important to them. It’s easy to make certain values really big deals and forget about others.

My fiance and I started having sex after we got engaged. We had promised to love one another our whole lives and had made that commitment. I feel a little guilty about it, and sad that we won’t walk down the aisle as virgins, but I think once we get married, it won’t matter as much to me whether we waited a few more months or not. I’m glad we did because, physically, I’ve had a few health problems that I think would’ve been really stressful/depressing to deal with after the wedding. 

We don’t take sex lightly, we still think its between us and God, and we’re still committed just to each other. But we started 6 months early. Is it a sin? I don’t know. But I don’t think it’s one of God’s biggest concerns right now either.

Post # 16
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

well, it’s really your body and life. and keep your faith and don’t let other people drag you down. it’s not up to anyone but god to tell what is right and wrong, and you obviously know the difference. you won’t be damned for having sex with your fiance, just keep your faith and don’t let something like this break you!

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