For those who have broken off and engagement :'( advice please…

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

personally i would marry the guy, why can’t you still have some indepedent fun? marriage doesn’t mean you can’t be an individual. 

i called of my engagement years ago, but it was because the guy treated me horribly. i wouldn’t throw away a relationship with an amazing guy. 

Post # 3
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Oh man, first of all, HUGS! I am so sorry you are dealing with this and boy can I relate.

Ten years ago I got engaged to my high school sweetheart. He was a wonderful man who treated me like a queen, adored the heck out of me and who I loved. As time went on, and the wedding got closer, I began to panic. I started thinking that I wasn’t ready for this. I wanted to attend law school, I wanted so many things in my life before I was married. I also was afraid because my mom was a young bride herself and got divorced 2 years after she got married. I didn’t say anything even though Andrew, my then FI could tell something was going on with me.

I loved this man, but I wasn’t in love with him like I thought I should be and I wanted my first marriage to be my only marriage and as the wedding grew closer, I realized that if I married this man, we’d be happy for a little while but then one of us would have grown resentful, I probably would have left because I knew he deserved better.

I called it off a month before we were to be wed. It was the most agonizing thing I’ve ever faced in my life but it was also the best thing I could have ever done for both of us. It wasn’t right and in the six years we had been together, we’d both changed so much. 

I don’t remember much of what happened after I called off the wedding. I remember being really sad for awhile because Andrew was a wonderful guy. He treated me wonderfully so I felt guilty for leaving a guy who had given me no real reason to leave him. It took awhile for me to realize that not being in love with him and it just not being right were valid reasons.

After I called off the wedding, I reconnected with an old childhood friend and now we are engaged and blissfully happy.

If you are having doubts, and it sounds like you are, PLEASE don’t walk down that aisle. Calling off the wedding now is much cheaper than a divoroe a few years down the road.

Post # 4
2248 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

One of the bloggers on here just called off an engagement (Miss Monsieur ..or however you spell it haha) & you should consider reading her posts & other posts she has linked to past bloggers who called off their weddings too.  Maybe you can find some splice in the way they felt & how you’re feeling.

Any sort of serious doubt raises some red flags though & while he may treat like gold, it doesn’t mean he’s the right man for you in the long run.  I’m sorry I don’t have more advice, but I hope you are able to tackle these feelings & live a happy life with or without your FI.

Post # 5
2895 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

i haven’t been through this, but i know a couple who did. they were about 21-22 when they got married. a few months before the wedding, the bride started having second thoughts and feeling like she was missing out on her youth by getting married so young. she thought it was just typical wedding jitters, so she kept her feelings to herself and went through with the wedding. after a couple of years, they were divorced because she just didn’t want to be married anymore.

if you’re this unsure, do not get married. it’s never a good idea to get married and just hope/assume your feelings will work themselves out.

you haven’t been single since you were what, 15? i think it’ll be really good for you to be be single and have fun and discover yourself and figure out what you want for your life.

good luck!

Post # 6
7920 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you should listen to yourself- go be a young independant woman and live with your sister! You deserve that experience. But also… That road has a lot of it’s own heartbreak and loneliness but I guess I wouldn’t have skipped it. if this guy was the one for you, you wouldn’t be feeling like this.

Post # 7
865 posts
Busy bee

Anony4326:  I dated someone 10 years older than me when I was in my late teens/early 20’s and I ended up feeling like I was 30.  I totally understand where you are coming from.  We had a house, pets, and a life together, but I just wasn’t ready to be living that life and missing out on “normal” 20’s experiences.  In the end I broke up with him, moved to a college town and went back to school.  It was the BEST decision.  I was finally able to be the age I actually was.  I never realized how depressed I was until I finally started doing things that made me *so* happy.  

You know what you have to do.  You can’t just stay with him because it seems easier.  Good luck, feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 2 months ago by  .
Post # 8
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Anony4326:  That’s tough stuff for sure! I think that if you’re having huge issues like this then I think it’s wise to hold off.

You’re wishing you had sown your wild oats, which is totally normal part of being young. I lived with a BF for the early part of my 20’s and we were headed for marriage too and I broke it off (for many reasons, but some similar to yours) and I lived alone for several years and I grew more in that time that I did over the entire decade. You change SO EFFING MUCH in your 20’s, and chances are that you will leave the decade a completely different person then when you entered it! This is a bit controversial, but I really think people should wait until after 25 or so to get married. Live your life, figure out who YOU are all by yourself before you sign a legal document in front of your friends and family promising to be with the same person forever.

It won’t be a cakewalk, you’ll get super lonely, your friends will start pairing off and getting married, but you’ll meet someone when the time’s right and by then you’ll be so much wiser and this will all seem way less scary! 

Post # 9
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

MrsBuesleBee:  This. 

You only get one life. If you are having these feelings, then you need to listen to them. The last thing you want to do is wake up ten years from and seriously regret not listening to your gut before you got married. If you and your fiancé were meant to be then you will find your way back to him. You cannot force yourself to be ready for marriage.

I broke off my engagement one time with my now husband. We got engaged way too young, and I just wasn’t there. It sucked at the time, but we eventually got back together and now we are happily married. He was really hurt when it happened, but I know that I will not wake up one day with regrets. 

Post # 10
1363 posts
Bumble bee

Anony4326:  I cannot comment on ending an engagement, but I can speak on the single life.

For the majority of my life I have been single. I am about to be married and will be 40. It is to be my first wedding.

I never partied or went off on wild adventures, but I learned a lot about myself and who i was as a person. I learned that I can only count on myself and if I fail then there is no one to help me. I won’t lie, there were many lonely nights and holidays and weekends. I wondered if there was more. Should I be doing more? Am I wrong to be free? Is it selfish?

In the end, I cherished my freedom. At times I wonder if I did myself a disservice because I know I can take on the world alone, that I don’t need someone constantly telling me it will be okay. I’m an educated, independent woman with a few coins in her pocket and I’ll do whatever I damn well like.

The age gap is significant, though not monumental. However, if you don’t believe that marrying at your age is your path in life, then do not go down it. I couldn’t imagine myself married at your age. I didnt know who the hell I was.

I wish you well. It will be a difficult road whichever you choose.  I strongly encourage you to go to college or trade school. Education is the key to money. Money is the key to freedom.

Post # 11
353 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

I’ve never ended an engagement but if I were you, I’d probably take a break and some time apart rather than breaking up entirely. Personally, I finished university at 19, had the sorority/party experiences, had a long-term boyfriend who I felt obligated to marry at some unknown point in the future (not because I wanted to but because after a while, it felt like I had to), and had a constant, nagging feeling that I was wasting my life away (my mom’s blatant disapproval about this relationship didn’t help either). After quitting a horrible job, I decided to do something that didn’t revolve around my boyfriend at the time. I decided to move to London for three months to “find myself”.

My boyfriend at the time was pissed and dumped me about two weeks into my time abroad only for us to get back together repeatedly for the next few months. I went out a LOT during that time and didn’t think about my boyfriend at all. I thought, “Maybe I’m unhappy because I need to be single! Maybe acting like a house wife is what’s been stifling me!”

Then, about 4 weeks later, I met my fiance, who is 16 years older than me, established, fun, wonderful, and perfect for me. My interest in the things that I’d been doing (partying, drinking, traveling around aimlessly) dropped and all I wanted was to show him that I could be an amazing wife. I’d genuinely sacrifice anything for him. I ended up staying in London so we could be together despite my homesickness.

I guess we’re different because I had the experiences that you feel you need to have but what I’m trying to say is that when you’re with the right person, you won’t feel like you’re missing out on anything. Not once have I worried about the age gap between my FI and me and not once have I been afraid of missing out on “my youth” like I was before. I’m ready to be a wife – to him. Maybe what you really need is to take some time alone until you find someone you feel the same certainty about, and maybe you’ll realize that is your fiance in the end. Maybe not. Either way, good luck.

Post # 12
136 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds like a very difficult situation! Your fiance sounds lovely and it would be sad to hurt him. However, it sounds like you still feel that you have some ‘living’ to do before you get married.

Personally, I would not split up with him (a good man is hard to find!). I would stay with him and continue your life and put marriage on hold for a while. You can still be engaged for 5 years while you ‘live it up’ and he will still be there in the end if he loves you.

My BF is 10 years older than me too, I do understand your concerns regarding ‘later in life’. I do have the same feelings. I suppose that if its true love then you will have to deal with many situations in life together and I hope that everything works out for both of you.

Post # 13
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I was engaged to my HS sweetheart by 19 and he was 21. He was great but we were going two separate directions. He wanted me to be the perfect little housewife while he got to enjoy being 21. I broke it off after two months of being engaged because I too realized I wanted to enjoy my 20’s and figure out who I really was. Ex was a great guy and did (for the most part) treat me wonderfully but i realized I had the perfect ring, perfect gown, & perfect venue- I just didn’t have the perfect guy for me. If you’re doubting this much now, I wouldn’t marry him. i never thought I would find another man I clicked with like Ex until I met the BF. I’m 25, he’s almost 29 and we both got our early 20’s out. BF is truly the perfect man for me. I guess you could say I got to have my cake and eat it too because I got to be independent and learn who I am alone from 19-23 and met the love of my life at 23. Now I’m ready to settle down and enjoy this new chapter of life. 

Post # 14
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I agree with a lot of the comments above, but most importantly I agree with the one saying not to break up with him completely. I think that if it is just marriage that concerns you (and not being in a relationship) then you should do all you can to keep him around, but explain your concerns about marriage. I guess you have to see it from his side too (if he’s a lot older) and that he is most probably at a different stage in life.

Some people are ready to get married at 19 (my mum was married at 17!), others not until 39 or older. It’s a very personal thing. Most important thing is that you are happy with yourself, and with your relationship. It’s not fair on you or on him if you’re not.

I hope you make the decision that is right for you x

Post # 15
3623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Anony4326:  If you have a great guy, understand that’s really hard to find. Also, know that all marriages are different and the bar scene gets old fast. Could you do regular girls nights and solo trips? DH regularly goes to bars without me.He certainly isnt texting me all night and is having a blast wit his friends.  I do the same thing.  We don’t have kids and love our time together,  but also love our freedom.  Is there any reason you couldn’t do that and hold off on kids for a few years?

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