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I don't think you need a ring to be engaged, period. Frankly, I got tired of looking for engagement rings. It's not really a tradition here, and I just don't care very much. Your coworker sounds very catty; I think you should just ignore her.
If you two consider yourselves engaged, you're engaged. If you picked out a ring and he wanted to ask you officially still, then maybe not. My FI proposed on one knee without a diamond, then allowed me to pick my ring afterward (he wanted to surprise me completely) so I was ringless for a month but no one questioned if we were engaged. It just depends on the situation, and if you both agree to it, then you're engaged. Ignore other people's comments like that, that's pretty rude anyway.
Congrats!
Don't worry about what other people think. It doesn't matter anyway, and it will only drive you crazy.
Thanks for the support. I should mention that the coworker and I have become quite close over the past couple of months, but the only thing we discuss is work issues or weddings. She has nobody else to talk to about her wedding. Her sister is the only attendant she is having and the sister is caught up in her own life. Her mother has completely different ideas on how the wedding day should go. I guess what hurts me most is that this coworker and I have shared so many ideas, magazines, advice, etc about weddings. I can't get over the fact that it's okay to talk wedding stuff with me and it's okay to borrow my magazines and run ideas by me, but yet she says this stuff behind my back about the very thing that has brought us close. Grrrrrr...
A ring doesn't make you engaged. There are plenty of folks who have never had an ering and are never going to get an ering and were/are engaged and eventually married. However.... has he asked you to marry him? If he has, and you said yes, then you are engaged. Or, if the two of you had some sort of conversation where it was confirmed that you will get married (that is what we had, kind of), then you are engaged.
Don't listen to what that woman has to say, she's an idiot. If you and your FI are planning your wedding and planning together and he has asked, then you are engaged regardless of whether you have the ring on your finger. He's already paying for it, you just have to wait a while no big deal. I didn't have a ring up until about a year after my FI proposed because he couldn't afford one, so it really dosen't matter, people are stupid and like to say stuff out of jealousy and because they have nothing better to do with their lives.
i wanted to say we were engaged when we had both decided to get engaged, but FI didn't want to say we were engaged until he had 'officially' asked me. so just do what you want! but i do know people who have begun wedding plans before getting the ring and making it official - i think it's kind of necessary sometimes just because of the logistics of wedding planning!
Personally, I would never consider myself engaged unless I have the ring on my finger. My boyfriend and I have been discussing marriage since before we even became a couple (I saw no point in even bothering t date unless he could see himself marrying me), I've been sort of loosely planning the wedding for a few months now, and he has the ring...but I'd never say that we're engaged.
That being said, your coworker doesn't have a right to be mean to you.
It's not the ring that makes you engaged it's the proposal- and acceptance (with or without the ring) that makes you engaged. Sorry but in my head you're not engaged... you're going to be getting engaged in due time.
Hello fellow NB'er!
We were making payments on my ring and I bought my dress and booked the venue. It was only a 1 month period, since he had some in savings, but if you know it's coming, you might as well start preparing! I didn't consider myself engaged until I had the ring though.
She sounds like she is one of those people who just likes to talk. I wouldn't let her opinion stop you at all.
I'd like to mention that my husband never proposed either. We talked it over and decided mutually to get married. So unlike some other opinons, no I don't think you're not engaged until he proposes. Not every couple has to adhere to those rules.
I think that the answer for me would be: when someone asks, do you say you're engaged? Does he? If the answer is yes, then I'd say that you're engaged. You can totally plan a wedding on the understanding that you're going to BE engaged as well...sometimes, that's just how it happens.
I got engaged (my husband did propose) but we didn't get a ring until a month later as he wanted to pick it out together. I was asked once about a ring, said we were picking it out together and the subject was dropped. lol
If it's a small office, she probably really enjoyed being the engaged chick...now there are two and she feels threatened. Don't let her get you down.
Honestly, being engaged (to me) is a state of mind. You definitely don't need a physical symbol. :)
You don't have an option I would feel comfortable selecting. You don't need a ring to be engaged. I think the question does need to be asked though. Not neccessarily by a 'he'. A woman can ask a man, and a woman can also ask a woman.
In your case, no, I wouldn't consider you to be engaged yet. If you want to start planning, go ahead. I do find it a little odd when people start making deposits on venues and have a date picked before they are actually engaged. Those people probably don't care about my opinion though 
I don't think you need a ring to be engaged, but I do think you and your SO need to be on the same page about it. He could ask you to marry him without a ring, but if he doesn't feel like you're engaged until he gives the ring, he may feel like you're jumping the gun a bit.
Personally, I think there needs to be a proposal to be engaged but there doesn’t have to be a ring to ask the question.
On the other side of it, as long as you guys are both on the same page about getting married and when you want to get married, I don’t see any harm in planning. Your FI seems to be perfectly fine with the planning and is getting into it. You’re coworker seems to be making comments out of envy because she’s been engaged for a while, won’t be getting married anytime soon and probably hasn’t been able to do any wedding planning whereas you’re wedding planning and aren’t “even engaged yet” and can possibly get married close to the same time as her if not before her.
I would avoid talking to her about your planning and possible details of your wedding. I’ve read about other brides talking about their wedding plans with people they thought were friends only to have their ideas taken from these “friends” and that friend having or moving their wedding before the original bride.
If both consider yourselves engaged, her opinion and ours don't mattter. Everyone has to determine for themselves what their relationship markers are. From what you posted IMO your engaged.
@mrsflanagan2be: You are 100% engaged! CONGRATULATIONS....I personally feel that even though my boyfriend and I have gone ring shopping, and I told him what I want and the whole 9 yards, its not official until I have a ring, and I don't want to "count my chickens before they hatch," but its so hard not to? But if he has already put money towards the ring and its on layaway with your name on it, I'd consider that engaged....and either way, you do NOT need a ring to get engaged at all. Good Luck with your planning!!!!
You're right -- if you already consider yourselves committed to each other, the ring doesn't matter. If you and your SO both want to marry each other, and you are actively planning a wedding, you are engaged. Ring schming. (just my opinion, of course)
I never had an engagement ring at all. I didn't want one, and I had to tell a few people in my life to STFU when they repeatedly insisted that I wasn't "really" engaged. I just could not justify spending money on a piece of jewelry when we had so many other wedding-related expenses to worry about.
We did not have a big proposal or a ring; it's just not our style. But we had a kickass wedding that all our guests raved about. And I don't regret our decision for a second. Do what you are comfortable with, and don't worry about what other people think.
@KatyElle: agreed.
I didn't say I was engaged before he proposed, but now that I am, I sometimes refer to him as my husband. Just here and there. For example, if I'm at the grocery store purchasing men's deodorant, socks, and athlete's foot creme (FI is a paramedic and those boots do terrible things to his feet)....and I'm talking to a clerk, I might mention something about "my husband" just so that I don't look like a crazy buying men's crap. Also when I'm putting emergency contacts down on something, I just put him down as my husband. So, I don't think it's wrong to refer to him as fiancee before the real proposal.
I dunno, we had been talking about getting married since the beginning and then we decided to get married, but it was a few weeks until I got the ring. I didn't consider myself engaged until he proposed and I got the ring.
I didn't consider myself engaged until he proposed. I picked out my own ring, went shopping with him and was even there when he paid for it, but until he gave it to me and and asked me to marry him I didn't consider us engaged.
It sounds like your situation is different than mine though, in that you both consider yourselves engaged even though a proposal hasn't taken place. That's totally fine, too.
FH and I picked out my ring together and it was 5 months before he proposed. I did a lot of "planning" during that time but did not call him fiance or tell anyone I was engaged until he officially popped the question and I had a ring on my finger. :)
I Absolutely don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with doing a little planning and reading before you get "officially" engaged. I think your co-worker is just a little jealous; she probably isn't a huge fan of already being engaged for two years and still waiting another whole year.
I'll be the dissenting voice, here. I don't think you have to have a ring or a formal proposal to be engaged.
Lots of couples I know got married without a proposal. What they did have were talks where they had mutually decided to be married, but nobody ever uttered the words "Will you marry me?"
The dictionary defines engaged as "pledged to be married". No mention of a ring or a proposal, just a pledge.
To me, as long as both parties are in agreement that they are going to be married, they are engaged.
although i think its totally ok for a non ring wearing couple to plan a wedding i would prefer it if you dont try to convince me that you are "engaged" in the traditional sense until there is a ring on the finger. an engagement is a symbol of intended marriage and thats usually shown by wearing of a ring/piece of jewelery
its like when non married couples try to convince me that their relationship is almost like being married - ummm its not in my book, doesnt make their relationship any less real but just not legally married
Unless someone is asked, or asks and comes back saying "were engaged" I don't consider them engaged and I do think it's a bit odd in that situation when somsone has wedding magazines and talks about their wedding. It's like forcing the moment. I also don't understand why engaged couples refer to their fiancee's as husband/wife without being married yet. Those are special milestones and I think people should wait for the REAL moment. That being said, if YOU don't think you need a ring to be engaged, than you can 100% consider yourself engaged without a ring. I personally didn't consider myself engaged until he got down on a knee, asked and un-assed a diamond, but that was my personal expectation and he agreed to that.
I answered the poll as asked -- that is, *I* didn't feel engaged until he had given me the ring, because that's what he and I had agreed on after going ring shopping together (during that trip, he kept saying, "We're not engaged yet! We're not engaged until after I ask you!"), and that was how we navigated my desire to have input in my life's trajectory and his desire to have a big suprise proposal.
But I certainly don't think it has to work that way for all couples. As others have said, I don't think that a proposal or a ring are necessary for an engagement, but I do think both parties to the engagement need to think of it as an engagement for it to be one.
Since you're just waiting for the ring to be paid off, but picked it out and are planning the wedding and see yourselves as engaged, then you're engaged. The only people who decide if you two are engaged are you two. Official, on one knee proposal, or just a discussion. If he's planning on having a big proposal once he gets the ring and surprising you, it's a little bit more iffy, but again, it's up to you two and no one else to determine what your relationship is. If you both agree you're engaged, then you are.
Your friend is just jealous, which is odd since she's engaged herself. She's probably just from a different background and sees it as only an engagement when there is an "official-by-the-book" proposal. Which isn't as important nowadays. Just try to ignore it. If she continues to make rude comments on your relationship, though, I would distance myself from her or confront her and just discuss it rationally.
You need to be on the same page as your SO/FI.
Whether or not that involves a ring is up to you. But you shouldn't go around telling people you're engaged when he doesn't consider you to be engaged or vice versa. I knew a girl who did this, had nearly the whole wedding planned and when her SO proposed, it was anticlimactic. Don't you want your proposal and engagement to be special? Stop rushing it and enjoy this exciting pre-proposal time.
For me it wouldn't come down to the ring, but the fact that he had asked. Until he asks, I dont consider us engaged.
We are living together, committed to each other, talk about these things from time to time but he has made it very clear that he wants to ask me and ask me properly. So therefore, not engaged, but very committed :)
Ultimately, dont worry about this girl at work. She may be insecure that her engagement has lasted so long
To answer your posted question: No, I don't think you need a ring to be engaged/commited to someone but once the proposal and or ring come - whether it happens together or not - it definitely seals the deal.
It sucks that the co-worker is competitive with you because simply that is all it is. It takes a lot to take a deep breath and tell yourself it isn't worth getting upset. But consider this, your fellow coworkers can't think very much of her for s**t talking you and if they play along shame on them. You will surely come out on top in that situation if you do your best to be the bigger person.
I had been dating and living with my fiance just a few weeks short of six years when he officially proposed. However far before that his sister had her kids call me Aunt and asked me to be a godparent, we made numerous joint purchases together including a dog as well as financially or otherwise supported each other.
What I have come to realize is that the more grown up we get and become responsible adults capable of making and living with our own decisions, the MORE grown ups/adults our age or older like to tell us what it is you should do, with your wedding, your career, your life. I don't think I realized this as much as since I have gotten engaged. Granted, people give you advice from their own experience to save you from whatever hardship they think their advice/opinion will allow you to avoid, but c'mon after awhile I have really wanted to respond with a sharp thanks but no thanks to end their suggestions.
I have felt disappointed or let down by friends and family through the comments/actions since we started planning. What is most important is you two found each other and want to spend your lives together. There will be touchy times and being engaged but w/o the ring is your current tough spot, mostly because of feeling judged by others. You will pull through it! I had to separate myself from social expectations and focus on being with someone who truly loves me and giving him the time it takes to save for a ring and to be in a place where he felt confident he could take care of me and our future family. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you, your fiance/husband, career, life, etc because it's your life to live and you can only control making yourself happy.
Additionally, you have plenty of time to research and plan and book venue/vendors and may still run into people being booked already. Enjoy the process and trust your gut.
Haven't read everyone's replies but if you and your FI consider yourselves engaged, you're engaged. If she's still making snide comments about you're lack of an egagement, ask her "what makes you say that?" or "that's an interesting assumption."
My bf and I are in a similar situation except from the opposite stand. He is set on a propasal with a ring before he would consider us engaged. And I'm kinda the same way. We're still planning a life together and looking tentativly at wedding venues and started looking at rings. To each their own and as long as both parties are on the same page, that's all that matter.
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Im stressing out over this and I need to vent. My FI and I have been together for 4 years, living together for over 3 years. About six months ago, he said let's go looking so you can show me what you like. Well, little did I know that I would fall madly in love with a ring. He didnt really care for it, but knew that I was over the moon about it. For the next two nights, I had dreams about this ring. So about 3 months ago, we went again and he layed it away (I was adament that he not charging this on credit, we're trying to get rid of debt, not add to it!!!). He has been making payments every payday on it and I have been eagerly scouring wedding magazines and websites to get ideas. Well, my coworker who has had her diamond for about two years now and isnt getting married for another whole year decides to talk about me behind my back to our other coworkers saying that Im "retarded" for making plans as I'm not even engaged yet!
I have taken great offence to this. I dont consider her to be anymore engaged than I am. My FI gives input on all areas of the wedding planning and has already compiled his family guest list. We have talked about marriage almost since the beginning of us dating. I don't need him getting down on one knee and asking me to marry him to consider us being engaged.
I don't think the ring has anything to do with the fact that we have committed to spending the rest of our lives together. We are going forward in a debt-free manner, and will pay for things as we have the money, not charging it or taking out a loan like the coworker is doing. I think we're being smart and responsible in this, and now it's turned our small office upside down with drama.
So my question to you is: If you know that the ring is coming, and you have talked openly about marriage plans, do you consider yourself engaged or do you think you need that big ole' ring before you are truly engaged.