For those whose boyfriends are all talk and no action

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

I am also in the same boat as you in that I haven’t nagged about a timeline or rings.  I have very casually discussed marriage (a LONG LONG time ago) to be sure that we were on the same page about it.  I also created an internet folder on his computer of favorite rings and labeled it “When you’re ready, because I want to be surprised.”  I know it’s a personal choice, but I just don’t feel the need to discuss it a lot.  We are 29 and 30.  It’s been four years, we’ve lived together for one, our discussion about marriage was very clear and concise and he has every intention of marrying me.  I’m choosing to keep the “when” aspect a surprise.  From our talk, I have an idea of when he wants to, but I haven’t demanded a specific month or anything. 

I was starting to feel a little like you and wondered if I should bring it up again because he didn’t seem to be thinking about it.  Lo and behold, I accidentally discovered that he WAS looking at rings from my internet folder and similar styles that weren’t even in it; all without a word from me.  

So yes, guys will take the initiative on their own without being nagged.  I only know of ONE guy that brought up marriage before the woman and I know a A LOT of married couples.  9.9 times out of 10, the female will be ready before the guy.  

If you haven’t brought it up at all, I suggest you casually do, just once.  Get the answers you need and leave it alone.  The most important answer you need is if he does want to marry you in the future.  I know not everyone likes the suspense involved in this strategy, but I wouldn’t be able to live with a proposal that I nagged to get.  I want him to do it when he’s ready to marry me, not when he feels like he has to appease me.  

Post # 4
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

My boyfriend and I don’t have a timeline. Last summer we talked about wanting to get married in a coulple of years. In Jan/Feb he surprised me with a date and we went ring looking. He decided to do a custom ring so we met a jeweler and I told him what styles I liked. After that meeting I have not been involved. I know that he is paying for it but I don’t know when he will ask except for hints he’s been dropping. I’ve always know we would end up married so I wasn’t to worried about a timeline.

Post # 5
Member
907 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Do men ever propose without a girlfriend nagging, demanding to know answers about it or something else? It sure feels as though it doesn’t happen.

Um, yes, this does happen. In mature, healthy relationships. Marriage is a conversation that should be discussed and brought up by both people in the relationship . . . just like all other life goals and generally planning for the future. Also, it’s my firm opinion that when a man is serious about a woman, nothing stands in his way. If you’ve been together a reasonably long time, and a man is dragging his feet, you deserve better.

Post # 6
Member
223 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I got engaged in Dec. It was a complete and total surprise. I  had NO idea that it had been in the works. FI had gone looking at rings the previous May (just shy of a year together) and I had picked out a ring that I liked, and that was the end of it.

We had talked about marriage, and so I just left it. I got lots of comments from him like “I need time to save up” or “we won’t be engaged this time next year” (this came mearly weeks before the proposal and drove me bonkers!

Anyways, one night he got home from work as usual, and ran the doorbell. When I opened it up, he was down on one knee with the ring and roses.

So it DOES happen. I wasn’t even suspecting a little bit. There were not timelines, ultimatiums, he was living with me since the previous April.

So it happens.

Post # 7
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

you all sound very lucky to have rings in the picture at all. i haven’t had a concrete ring discussion yet, and i know that i really can’t because boyfriend won’t have money until december. XD

i’m more concerned about what happens next may. we are both students and neither of us know where we’ll be headed after graduation. we want to stay together and have discussed living together (we’ll have been dating for 3 years by then), but i’ve never wanted to move in before marriage. if we were engaged by then i would feel much more comfortable about living together with the knowledge that our relationship is going somewhere. he talks a lot about “forever” but not usually in a concrete sense. he’s even told me he would give up doing what he loves to be with me (which i would obviously never ask of him), so he seems quite serious.

for the last 6 months i’ve known he was “the one,” but i know i’ll be waiting at least another six months before we can talk seriously about getting this show on the road. and this wait is going to kill me! XP i’ll be glad when classes start again so i’ll have different things to worry about besides just boyfriend.

Post # 9
Member
1240 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m new to the boards, but I figure I’d just post here. The boyfriend and I (7 years now) were talking about getting married, and then we moved in together for financial reasons (his mom was getting sick and we were staying with each other anyway). And all talks kind of stopped. This was 2 years ago. So I brought it a few days ago, and he said that he just wanted to have all his finances in order and a job secured before hand. Because 2 of the jobs are only through the summer, and the other is a freelance design job. He said by the end of the summer he’ll have everything figured out on his end. I know he’s talked to my dad and his dad. So who knows could be next week! I have sent him a few rings, but he’s gotten me rings before and knows exactly what I liked, and guessed my size.

Post # 10
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

I am already engaged however I just wanted to tell you my story.

I was that girl that just didn’t know. I was getting EVERY excuse in the book about getting engaged and when ever I would ask about our future, he responded with “I don’t know” or “You are pressuring me.” We got into A LOT of fights due to meltdowns on my behalf and after a year of that, it was getting old. One day I calmly explained to him that I deserved someone who knew they wanted to be with me for the long haul and with our situation (living together, had a kid together and etc.), I was hoping it was going to be him. Marriage was very important to me and I was feeling very resentful doing ALL that I was doing for him and his welfare without him “showing” me something in return. I loved him but I am looking for someone who wanted the same things as me including living me and if it weren’t him, then it would be someone else and I would need to free myself to  find that person. After that conversation, it was like a switch went off in his head. He was being more attentive, bringing up marriage talk, spending time with me and basically told me the only thing that was stopping him was the money for a ring (which was one of the initial excuses). When finally he got the money, he literally went out and got a ring, and proposed the next day (he did scout a little beforehand and we also viewed rings together).

The reason why I posted is because I literally had no clue. I read into things and was hopeful but generally I didn’t know because he gave me no timeline, I wasn’t sure if he was just talking or if I would be waiting another year. I will say what changed is him bringing up marriage more and calling me his wife and etc. That was something he steered away from that when he wasn’t sure- but when he was ready, his actions started showing it. I was just too cautious to believe it was going to happen (and that soon too).

Post # 11
Member
485 posts
Helper bee

@RiverRunning: I do think that a lot of men genuinely do want to get married.

Some guys prefer not to talk about it much with their girlfriends before the proposal, because they want to catch her off guard. The fact that doesn’t talk about it much doesn’t necessarily mean that he doesn’t think about it.

I think for now it’s best to try to enjoy him and the relationship, as February as still far away 🙂 Maybe give him the benefit of the doubt for time being?

Post # 12
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

I think it’s good that you have made it clear you won’t sign a new lease.  He needs to know where you stand, and I think he will respect you for being a woman of your word and standing your ground.  I think that if you share that it’s your conviction, your belief, your values, etc., he’ll have to respect it. Yes, you are  two people in a relationship — and the relationship is about both of you — but for you, ultimately you have to look out for yourself because there is no formal commitment in place between the two of you.  Yes, a ring and a piece of paper do make a difference — it gives you an underlying foundation of trust and commitment to build something on.  If he says, “If you don’t trust me now, how will you trust me when we’re married?” — you can tell him that marrying you shows you that he’s committed to honoring you.  His willingness to commit gives you a firm foundation to trust.  Vagueness and no clear time for marriage gives you nothing to build that trust on.  Sure, you  trust him as a decent human being  and a good person.  But it doesn’t mean that you would trust as you would your fully-committed partner in life — because he’s not that yet.  Sometimes I think it is hard for guys to wrap their heads around this stuff.  And yes, it is a big decision for them and they do chicken out about it at times.  And in my opinion moving in does make it easier for them to put it off because it eases the longing to “finally be together” that often drives men into marriage.  But that doesn’t mean that he won’t propose or isn’t planning a proposal.  Like PP said — guys do play funny little games and feign ignorance about all things engagement when they are planning to propose, and they probably just think it’s fun and often have no idea how much it hurts us.  Sheesh, who started this tradition about “popping” the question anyway? 

Post # 13
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@RiverRunning: You gave him a timeline, now stop pestering him.  He’s either:

a) going to surprise you with a proposal.  He’s not talking about it because he wants to get it right and doesn’t want you to see it coming.

b) doesn’t want to get married and is going to call your bluff.  You’ve set the timeline, he knows you’ll leave, so then you’ll leave. 

Yes, it’s hard to be patient, but bothering him very often and focusing more on a proposal than your relationship isn’t going to make a marriage happen. 

Post # 15
Member
74 posts
Worker bee

@armychica06: I identify with you. Before I had a final convo. with my bofriend, I had no IDEA on time frames for anything at all. I waited for 2 years without saying anything, no nagging or anything. Finally, I had to know where our relationship was headed and in that last conversation, the light flipped on in his head too. Some guys will propose on their own and go through the whole ring process on their own…but some guys need a little help. I could either sit there agonizing over where our relationship was going and when OR do something about it. I chose action! I believe women can be proactive in the engagement process. I’ve said this before but engagement is about both people, not just the man being ready.

Post # 16
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t have a timeline. I also have no idea if J has been ring shopping. He’s never asked my ring size, or even talked about getting engaged. The only talk we’ve had is about what we’d want at our wedding, what we want in a future home and where we want to live, our future kids, etc. Everything except for the actual proposal itself. He’s never mentioned ring shopping either. So I am in the same boat as you. I have no clue what is going on. The only thing J has said to me was that he’ll be comfortable with his finances in a couple of months (my calculations make that September). He also said last year that: “…When the time comes, you’ll be third in line to know. I’m going to talk to your dad, then tell my parents, and then you. Trust me, when the time comes you’re gonna figure it out.”

Not sure what that means… Maybe he’ll take me somewhere special and I’ll get a gut feeling? Who knows. But ya, I’m pretty much in the same boat as you. All I know is that J is saving money. He doesn’t talk about ring shopping, or anything like that. I’m clueless.

Gwen.

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