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Since my fiance proposed to me last December I have been planning away at my wedding. We hit some hard hard bumps but got through it and everything was all great up until recently... why? he put the money towards the wedding on a house. Its somewhat of a bigger house than I would like or that he even wouldve liked but its pretty and whatevs. There will be no wedding. Oh yeah, and a couple days ago I found out that Im pregnant. and heres the kicker, he will break up with me if I get an abortion. We arent even financially ready or anything to be having a kid. He is freaking out about this house and money and keeping money in the account because of the lender blablabla...
WTF. Instead of a wedding and everything going as planned, he spends all of his money on a house and Im pregnant. Im happy, dont get me wrong but also scared and weirded out he wants a baby. I told him Im not moving in with him to the house unless were married like go to city hall type of thing. Personally and culturally I just dont feel comfortable living in "his" house and having a baby before being married. I am split on the whole family is more important than marriage thing cause I believe in both. (you know, the whole penelope cruz idea). He is still so immature and so selfish. Yes, right now is a great time to buy a house but he wasnt even prepared or ready to buy a house. He is stressing me out and making me go broke because he cant spend a time until the house closes. Does this even sound right?! Am i rightfully upset because long story short, he is a mamas boy and is so lazy and has that mentality that asian women love to cook and clean so its almost like our "duty" attitude. he is also an engineer at a place that is ALL males so the advice he gets and the things he hears is BS and just ridiculous mantalk. uuggh!!!
so im not crazy right? you would be upset too wouldnt you ladies?! help! i need advice... 
I'm sorry you're so upset but I'm confused on a couple of points:
You're engaged but you didn't discuss buying a HOUSE together?
You feel that it is morally wrong to live together before marriage but you would consider an abortion?
I just re-read your second paragraph... is there anything you like or even love about him??
Hm.... Hard one to respond to. First of all; pregnancy aside; it sounds like there are some issues to work out before you would get married. You are talking down about him and his issues of being "selfish" "immature" "mamas boy" "lazy." Those are pretty harsh words to use towards your Future Husband. You need to be happy in your relationship before you enter marriage. Secondly about the house. It should be a mutual decision. If you are both putting money towards this then you both should have had a say in the purchase. If he is making all the decisions then you should not be financially repsonsible for them. Yes about not spending a dime. If you are cutting it close with your closing costs the bank MUST know that you have the money for the downpayment or they will not approve the loan. Thirdly; the child. That also should be a mutual decision. Personally i feel it takes two people to make a baby and it takes two to raise a baby. If you were not finacially ready for a child then you should have taken procaution to prevent it. It's not the babies fault that you can't afford it right now. If he is against abortion then he has the right to have that opinion.He may not actually WANT a baby; but he knows how he feels about being ProLife. U apparently aren't against abortion. That's for the two of you to work out.
The main issue here however; is weather you are happy in this relationship & if you even want to marry this man. It sounds like the House & Baby are just the icing on the cake. There are more important underlying issues here. Marriage is suppose to be Forever. & Forever could really feel like forever if your not happy with him.
Of course you have a right to be upset. We all have a right to our feelings and you are dealing with a lot of sudden changed plans right now, what with the house, the pregnancy, the cancellation of the wedding etc.
The thing that would concern me most though is the lack of consultation and mutual agreement on such a major decision as buying a house.
You need to realize that this is likely to continue to be the way he behaves. Please don't continue to blame it on his immaturity. This is the way he views your relalationship and it will continue to be.
I would be very upset. There is no reason he cant pay for things he just should go out and buy a 10k car or somthing.
And not taking in to concideration that you have been planning a wedding and that you WANT a wedding is not ok IMO.
Buying things like houses should be talked about with you and you both should agree on things.
Honestly if it was me I wouldn't have the baby. You guys dont seem ready :/
I had the same exact response as PinkStripes.
I am sorry things haven't gone as planned. Is it just finacially that you are not ready for a baby? Then talk to your FI about that, people always figure out a way to make it work.
But marrying someone who doesn't have the same ideas or values as you can get a little bit tricky.
I think a house is definitely more important than a wedding - um where are you going to live once you have the baby?
I think you two have some M.A.J.O.R. issues you need to work out before even thinking about marriage in the first place.
If he's lazy, and a mama's boy and you think you want an abortion - and you're not ready for a baby and would rather have a day for YOU rather than a house for your family... I think it's time to be thinking about your options. There are many people out in the world who are not as fortunate as you to have conceived.. adoption is always an option.
I think I need some clarification....you were saving up for the wedding and without consulting you to any degree he bought a house?
Because it sounds like that's the case and it sounds like that's the major problem, imho. If you two have differing views on what a marriage is then now is not the time to get married and having a child together is not a good enough reason to get married.
I agree, that pregnancy aside, there are some issues that stand out in your post, the first and foremost being that you are engaged to be married and you did not discuss buying the house together. If you are engaged you are committing to spend the future together and even if he bought a house, and you contributed no money, it should be a mutual decision as it will be *your* house, even if he is the one who paid for it. I think you need to discuss a great deal with your fiance and you need to be in agreement on the major decisions upcoming, especially regarding your pregnancy, the house, and your relationship.
Wow. Your situation certainly sounds tense. Has he signed papers on the house yet? Sounds like he hasn't gone to closing yet so I would sit down with him and talk to him about how you feel. If he hasn't gone to closing, he can still withdraw his offer with a penalty of his deposit (probably $2000.) I would explain that, not even worrying about the wedding, having a baby is going to cost a lot of money. If you don't feel comfortable buying this house b/c of what it is costing, he has to know that. You have to sit down with him and tell him that. If he won't listen to you, I think you need to think long and hard about marrying him.
He doesn't seem to have your opinion, thoughts or feelings in mind with what he is doing.
How long have you two been together? If you were planning a wedding, I would think that everything would be a 'couple' decision by now. ESPECIALLY buying a HOUSE! That's nuts!
You need to do what's best for you. You need to think about if you really want to be with someone who doesn't take your opinion into consideration with the biggest financial responsibility you will ever have. Remember, he may be buying this house but once you are married, you are half responsible for the house, as well. If you are not marrried, you are not responsible for it.
Also, regarding the baby. I think you need to think what is best for you and the baby at this point. I'm sorry but it just doesn't sound like your Fi has your best interest in mind right now. Whether you want to keep the baby, have an abortion or give the baby up for adoption is up to YOU. it should be up to you and your Fi but again, doesn't sound like he's thinking of you at this point.
I would consider also talking to someone you trust or a therapist about all of this. It sounds like a bit much to handle right now. Take a deep breath, figure out who is the best person to talk to of all of your friends, family, etc and call them. Ask for some time to talk things out with them. They know your situation better than we do.
Okay, all other issues aside, because I think the PP's have hit those on the head, the one thing I picked up on is that the house hasn't closed yet???
IT'S NOT TOO LATE.
He might lose some money, but he can back out (NOW, as long as he hasn't signed final loan docs) and put that money towards the baby. If he wants to keep it he can't buy a house right now.
Cannot. He needs to support you and the baby, not buy a too-big house and go into debt.
geez, what a mess of a situation. I think you do have a right to be upset, and you and your FI need to sit down and have a serious talk together. Marriage, house, and baby are probably the three BIGGEST decisons you will make with your FI, and it seems like all three of those decisions have not been thoroughly discussed and agreed upon.
This is a big problem and you guys need to get on the same page, ASAP. Otherwise I'm afraid you might have these sames issues for the rest of your lives. Theres no time like the present!!
First off, when it comes right down to it, it is 100% your choice about having the baby. If you are happy with it, then Congratulations! If you are not, then there are options available to you.
It sounds sort of like you two may have different values, which may be a problem in the long run, even if you end up on the same page this time. That, combined with what sounds like him making decisions that affect you and your plans, without consulting you, makes me think that perhaps you should take a serious look at your relationship, because I certainly don't think you are crazy. You have some valid reasons to be upset with this situation.
Good luck!
Forgive me but I am totally confused...
With a baby on the way it seems like securing a home, and not a lavish wedding, would be the priority. The reality is, beyond a license you just need a civil ceremony to make it official anyway. More importantly though, did he buy the house without you knowing? If so, that's a much bigger issue b/c that doesn't seem like something that should happen between an engaged couple.
I have a question. Did he know you were pregnant before or after he signed for the house? Was he getting the house for the baby or just because he wanted one?
@JenniBride: while I am not 100% prolife, depending on very few circumstances.. How can you say you would be pissed that he would want her to keep the baby. It is HIS CHILD too. He can at least have opinion. She can have the final say, but you're saying he is suppose to have no opinion about his child he is having with the woman he apparently loves. That would be almost unhuman to have no emotion. PUHLEEZ
Honestly it doesn't seem like you two are at ALL ready to get married.
He didn't talk to you about the house and you're not on the same page about children. I think the two of you need to have some serious conversations because calling him lazy and thinking about having an abortion (which IS your decisions but it effects him as well) is absolutely not where you need to be with someone you are engaged to.
I think having an abortion if you are not ready for kids is a 100% smart decision. Babies should not happen if you are not ready, and there is a huge number of people who would support you in that decision, one of them me. I think you guys have some huge stumbling blocks that need to be discussed, as other have pointed out - 1. why would your fiance buy a house without your input? 2. why was it not discussed what would happen if you became pregnant before marriage? 3. are you really mature enough to be making this leap if you can't discuss these issues?
Deep breaths & here's a [hug]. Sorry you are going through so much right now. It sounds like you have plenty to contemplate at the moment, but here is my two cents...
a house is a better investment than a wedding IMO if you have to choose between the two. The house will hopefully appreciate in value and help to build a financial foundation. A house can be passed down to a child or be sold to finance a child's education, a wedding—not so much.
Right now is a great time to buy a house. He likely got a great deal on the home as well as a FANTASTIC rate on the mortgage. This was probably a "once in a lifetime" opportunity.
You can always do city hall now & hae a celebration on your aniversary or something. I know several people who did not have extravagant weddings or even just got married at city hall or a private church ceremony & they are still together & happy.
I'm most concerned about they things you say like "he is a mamas boy and is so lazy and has that mentality that asian women love to cook and clean so its almost like our "duty" attitude." and "He is still so immature and so selfish." Those are the red flags for me, more than having a house instead of a wedding. Also, the fact that he would make such a big decision (to purchase a home) without discussing it with you... That worries me most.
Bottom line is that you have some serious soul searching to do and you need to decide what is truly best for you and your child.
I wish you much luck <3
@greenek2: I guess I should clarify. I wouldn't be upset that he had an opinion (even a strong one!!), because of course it affects him. What I am saying is that his opinion only matters if she wants it to - it is her choice what to do with the pregnancy, and his choice whether to stay with her or not, depending on that choice.
For the OP, I hope that she makes the decision that is ultimately right for her, based on a number of factors, including, but NOT limited to, her fiance's opinion.
Of course there should ideally be consultation between partners on any life changing decision, but this is one that only she can make, because it is her body, not their body.
If you are ready to have a baby, make a home, and be a family with him and a child, then go for it. If you're not, don't. Having a child has never 'brought us together' and it's a terrible idea to have a baby thinking that it will make your relationship stronger. If he's willing to buy a house without consulting you it seems pretty indicative of his nature and it doesn't sound like he'll stop making decisions on his own and leaving you to deal with the mess. Here are two truths: 1 - getting married/having a wedding does not mean that you are contractually obligated to start a family, so while a house and family might sound like the better option, they're not a better option if you're not ready for them emotionally, financially, or otherwise. 2 - If you go along with his plan, whether it feels right to you or not, he will continue to call the shots in your relationship, marriage, family, etc.
I do not think it's greedy, selfish or wrong to make a decision based on how you feel and what you believe is right for you. I urge you to do that. Your relationship already seems strained, a baby will only add to that. Consider your options and do what you feel is best for you. Considering his feelings is great in theory, but he certainly didn't consider your feelings when he bought a house without even a thought towards your feelings!
Ok all the other ladies have touched on the major issues so I will touch on a smaller one...
Am i rightfully upset because long story short, he is a mamas boy and is so lazy and has that mentality that asian women love to cook and clean so its almost like our "duty" attitude.
If my FI felt it was my "duty" to do ANYTHING because of my race I would be FURIOUS! He should not be stereotyping you into some sort of role. There are sooo many issues going on in your post that I would be seriously hesitant to enter into a forever sort of commitment with someone.
He placed his wants and desires before your own with both the baby and house. There is no reason why you two couldn't have sat down and spoken about this as adults. As for the child, it isn't fair to give you an ultimatum. In the end, as so many others have said, the decision is yours. But if you do not have the time or money for a child than you nor anyone else like this has any business having one. I personally would be infuriated if I came to find out that the thing I had been pouring my heart into the most was taken away by a rash decision. How infuriated you must be! A real sit down needs to happen. You are not just extra money in the checking you are part of a team. There is no "final say" in marriage. No party has the ultimate power. You talk about things, espescially life changing ones, as adults and come to a solution as adults.
Please don't let anyone coerce you into making a decision about your pregnancy.
It is your decision.
If you decide to have a baby there is nothing, zero, keeping him from breaking up with you. And I would say with 100% certainty that he is not going to volunteer to be a single father and get up every night for the baby. Child support - is a huge pain to collect - not at all as easy as people think. It's your life that's going to be impacted way more than his if you have a child, it is your body and it is your decision.
well, i was in vent mode so i may have not been clear on some points but the house thing, he went out on his own and got his mom to give him big money to get this house. I saw the house, he never made it apparent or clear that he was seriously going to buy anything but the only way I could get his attention was by talking about homes or what to paint the walls in the house or going to look at homes with him. His parents (both his mother, stepfather, father and stepmother and stepfathers exwife who was the realtor) were all telling him about buying a house and how right now is a great time but dont do it if you dont have money but buy a house buy a house buy a house. He wasnt prepared, it was all very last minute, he just jumped right in. The house is pretty, its newer 2005, and i hate the layout but its very "cookie cutter" "traditional" on the outside and was a foreclosure, purchased at 238 (house assessed at 279). I guess its a good deal, its not totally ragged out inside. its not what i wouldve picked oh and its also much closer to his mom and his job and if i lived there itd be a good 1 hour each way from my work and i dont even make half as him and he doesnt help out with gas or anything. i can ask for help but he gets stingy with his money.
anywho... the baby: we have talked about having kids but both agreed its just not our time. we are both heavy lifters and go to the gym a lot, both do motorsports stuff/car stuff/motorcycle stuff, had vacations and big events we were going to attend... you know... we had a lot of future plans. It wasnt until him buying a house that has brought up so many little issues to become big ones. Out of all of his friends and coworkers he does NOT have one person that is a good role model to look up to as far as being a husband and father. seriously. you would think college educated engineers would have it straight but nope. I did at one point think if I had a baby with him then maybe he'd grow up but I quickly trashed that idea because we were having fun despite his quirks and he hates babies. He has never held one. He thinks other babies are annoying. He says he will totally love our child and be a great dad but he hates all children. oookkk. 
we are financially not ready to be having a kid. and i know he will not change just because of a baby. we love each other, I love him but i feel like im falling out of love with him. All because he is just doing whatever he wants and buying things for his car w/o me knowing and claiming he is pinching every penny yet spending tons of money on his lunches and beer (and he lifts weights and stuff so he eats for 2+ basically... everything is doubled). He has become more and more selfcentered and he is constantly on his phone texting about his car stuff that he does instead of talking about what we are going to do about money like whos paying what and the baby and this house needs a lot of work so where that money is coming from. I pretty much have the crap-end of the stick. I want and dont want this baby. oh, and he isnt against abortion because he has brought it up before when we got pregnant but I had a miscarriage. I just dont know what to do cause a talk turns into an arguement and he puts up his walls so fast its like talking to a 5 year old about quantum physics.
First of all, HE is half the child. He may not be physically "carrying" the child but it is HIS too. I'm sorry, but I have a lot of issues regarding feminism and women making decisions about abortion without consideration of the father of the child. Especially when he doesn't want it. There are many options, and some of them may mean he takes full responsibility of the child and grows up fast, you break up and he has full custody, and even perhaps one of the thousands on waiting lists to adopt finally get the child of their dreams.
Secondly, it's constantly stated that you never truly are ready for a baby. Mentally and financially. That if people waited until the "time was right," no one would ever have children.
If you have not closed, it is not too late to back out. Yes you do have to be careful in between approval and closing. You even have to be careful about depositing money... not opening new lines of credit, etc...
I do need to know however, if you are so unhappy with this house, why is he buying it? What will your mortgage be? For us, it's actually cheaper in the home we just bought vs renting in our area. It sounds like you both need to spend a lot of time communicating however... Somewhere wires are crossing....
Bottom line, don't make rush decisions. Your choices will dramatically impact BOTH of your lives. Abortion is not an easy out. It does have risks and dangers to your health associated with it. It also has even higher risks to your mental health and well being as well as your Fiancé's. I know a lot of men who are hurting because their girlfriend had an abortion. One didn't even know until after they had broken up and over a year later... but he's still struggling with it. This isn't just about you, there's 3 people involved here... and personally, I'm siding with the only one who can't claim any fault and is completely innocent in this situation, your child.
ETA: I just saw your latest post... To me, I think y'all need to talk and stop assuming about each other. I hear a lot of assumptions coming from both sides. Y'all need to sit, talk really long and hard, and perhaps even get a counselor involved. And just because a guy hasn't held a kid or "hates kids" or doesn't necessarily have the best social network of 'fatherly examples' mean he'll be a bad dad or not grow up.. Everything is what you make of it... Y'all need to talk and figure out a lot...
oh yeah and the race thing... i was so offended when he told me that it was my duty and how i shouldnt mind it because asian women like cooking and cleaning so doing it 3x a day everyday including working full time should be no thing at all. I dont knwo where he is getting this weird attitude and real smartass remarks about women. I enjoy cooking but after an 11 hour day I just want to relax or cook leftovers or something and call it a night but he doesnt help with laundry or cleaning or anything. the sink, the toilet, the shower, laundry... nothing gets cleaned if i dont do it. his mother even admitted that its her fault she raised him a certain way that would make things difficult and she said she was sorry - sort of.
his little quirks were ok at first but he is acting like he is all man now and the quirks are serious problems. Theres nothing wrong with a mamas boy but he is so much like his mom and spoiled by her. It wasnt until this housebuying situation that I have really seen how many handouts he really gets. I have no doubt that he is stressing too but he doesnt realize what he did and what hes doing. Its all just so messed up! I know in the end an abortion or whatever is my choice, I dont have a problem with it but when the dad is saying no or im going to break up with you its like oook??? what now? its not even an option. So i have a kid and I wouldnt want to give it up but the life of a single mom is not what I want. My mother went through HELL and I feel so bad for her cause she was a single mother working so hard, way too hard and not having time to take care of herself cause now shes got throat cancer (and it was there for 2 years and didnt know it) and a bad liver. I mean call me a B word or whatever you want but I do not want to be a single mom. Theres nothing great about it unless youve conquered the downs i guess.
I agree with Brooklynrocks and MsBrooklynA. This story doesn't really make sense. Why are you engaged to someone you think all these things about (immature, selfish, lazy, mama's boy) and who thinks it's your job to cook and clean for him because you're Asian? Seriously, what? How do you even associate with someone who thinks those things, let alone be engaged to him?
There is just SO much that is bad about this situation. If you were pregnant before, and know you can't afford a baby-and know your FI hates children- and know that you both seem too wrapped up in your own lives to be mature enough to raise a baby- then why would you get pregnant again?
I mean no disrespect, but I honestly think you both need counseling instead of a house, a wedding, or a baby. Buying a house and having a baby are two of the most important (and stressful) things a couple can go through- and the two of you didn't even talk to each other about either of them. Pregnancy is preventable, as is buying a house you can't afford. You guys don't seem mature enough to be married or to be parents. Sorry. Please seek a professional who can help you sort all this out- if not for your sake, for your unborn child's.
@shuetuned:I know it's easy for us to say, "OMG, leave today!" but of course your emotions are tied to your FI and he's clearly a big part of your life. I do think you need to carefully evaluate your relationship. Sometimes in rants we can make things sound worse than they really are and to a third party, this guy sounds pretty bad. The racial comments, the disregard for your feelings, the immaturity, they don't make for a very agreeable, compatible partner and I think you know that, otherwise you wouldn't be telling us about it. His little quirks will likely only worsen over time and he may become a very unpleasent partner. You're right, babies cry and can be annoying and it's often worse when it's in your own house. My FBIL sounds a lot like your FI, down to the weight lifting and everything. I can tell you, the child he has is taken care of exclusively by his wife and he spends 3-4 hours a day at the gym while she does all of the caretaking, homekeeping, and works 8 hours a day. She's happy with it. You have to decide if you will be to. I really think you should make an honest list of the pros and cons of each side of the situation. Finally, ask yourself why you are here. Are you looking for a reason to leave? Or are you looking for a reason to stay? Only you can decide what's best for you and I think you may already know what that is, even if it's the hardest thing to imagine. Good luck to you, we're all sending you positive thoughts!
After reading all these comments and everything you've said it kind of seems like more than anything you want out of this relationship. Do you? It doesn't seem like you don't want to be with him at all.
I dont want to leave him. We were totally happy. Everything was good. You deal with the quirks - no person is ever ever ever going to be 100% mr. perfect now til the day you die. Theres no guarantee that you wont get pregnant, birth control isnt 100%, condoms arent 100%. Our sex life is amazing wouldnt change a thing. We got pregnant & had a miscarriage early on in the relationship before we got engaged but it didnt ruin our relationship, he even became more loving and he quit his job in another state to live back here in VA and this is where hes from so he wouldve done it anyway but he did it sooner than he wouldve because he was in love and got agreat job here and just everything was good. seriously. we were the envy of many people. a power couple, we did it all, had it all, it was nice.
Im just really confused as to why he is so against an abortion when he wasnt before and the way that he acts and the things he has done doesnt add up to him wanting to have a life with me. Recently it seems like he is doing this more for himself and living his own life and setting up his own life not OUR life. He still comes home to me every night but since the pregnancy was confirmed he has been at the gym much longer than normal and when he comes home late he expects me to get up and make him fresh food (he will NOT eat leftovers) and he is like "i dont have any socks!" and im like theyre downstairs in the dryer or washing and he sighs and huffs and puffs like a big baby and acts like wearing ankle socks are going to ruin his day compared to below-the-ankle socks. yeah... everything has changed sooooo fast and went from great to WTF.
I'm so confused. You were happy. But then he bought a house (without even talking to you about it), he's against an abortion NOW (wasn't before) and says derogatory and racist things towards you.
Not adding up. You even say, "we were the envy of many people". That's just strange, IMO! Everybody's happy in the beginning. How long have you been together?
There is a different between a QUIRK (the things you recently mentioned) and just plain jerkiness. You have to figure out what's what and have an adult conversation about this with him. Don't let him put his hands up and back out--social anxiety doesn't fly when you have HUGE issues to actually talk out. Nobody is perfect, but he doesn't really sound like a capable adult, either, at least in the way you portray him: "lazy, momma's boy, selfish, immature".
I still can't believe he actually bought a house without you. And he went to his mom for the money. And didn't even tell you.
There's something fundamentally messed up about that, hon. That, to me, is not what you do in a relationship.
Why do you want to marry him? (And for reasons besides that you “love” him.)
Buying a home is probably the single biggest purchase you personally, and you as a team, will ever make. And he made it without consulting you. That, I just don’t get. If he doesn’t value the partnership in making HUGE purchases, how does he value the partnership on smaller issues?
It sounds like the two of you have major issues that either you are not discussing, or are not going to compromise on. Financial issues, respect issues, communication issues – all of which are big, big deals.
The outcome of your pregnancy is entirely a personal decision and yours alone. There is no “right” or “wrong” answer – and you have to decide what you want to do. A baby won’t solve your relationship issues, and won’t make automatically make a happy home, and they are a lifetime responsibility. No matter what you decide to do, if I were you, I would look into more reliable birth control options, as you’ve now had 2 unintended pregnancies. Pregnancy is fully preventable.
Good luck.
Things change when it's your child and not someone else's... perhaps he's at the gym longer because he's stressed and he is also feeling wtf.
Bottom line, YALL need to talk! You need to share these feelings with him....
You don't want to leave the 'him' that he was up until this point. Do you think he's just in a funk and will shake it off? Or do you think he'll stay like this? If you think he'll shake it off that's one thing. If you think it might be a permanent change, no matter how perfect it was before, you have to decide if you can be happy with it now. There's something very offputting about a man who can change so drastically and about one who seems to have a total disregard for your feelings.
@shuetuned: first of all you are not crazy. second of all yes i would be upset. and third, take some time to yourself and breathe and process everything you are going through right now!
i think it's hard for someone to convey all of what you're going through in a few paragraphs on an online forum. but i think i get the basic gist of your dilemma.
i refused to move in with my fiance (yes we'd been househunting together, but he bought in his name bcuz my credit is SH*T) until we were engaged. even THAT was a HUGE compromise as my korean parents are not fans of "cohabitation" before marriage (regardless, i took the high road, and told them that it was my life and my decision - things worked out and they have accepted it).
i know the pregnancy was unplanned and its a lot for you to deal with... i think you need to take some time for you to talk everything out with your FI. it sucks that his/fmil's money went to the house, but i am sure that he probably didnt put a downpayment on a house he couldn't afford in the future? (id hope he didnt)...
i think you just need to get your head around all of the craziness and make a list of to-do's... whether it's planning a civil ceremony (for now) planning/budgeting for the baby/abortion (if you choose!), planning for the move-in...
i think once you start making steps in getting all of those things aligned, you'll feel more at ease... and you'll learn that you can deal with the cultural customs you grew up with can work with you; not just against you! :)
I'm gonna have to agree with Monkeygirl on this one. You two don't really sound like you want to get married, much less have a baby and buy a house together. Give the baby up for adoption, let him have his stupid house that you don't even like, and move on with your life to find a guy who will treat you right and won't impose racial and sexist stereotypes on you.
"You deal with the quirks - no person is ever ever ever going to be 100% mr. perfect now til the day you die."
True, no person is perfect... However, if he is selfish, lazy, immature, etc, that's quite a bit to overlook. My fiancé is not perfect either, but he is considerate and responsible, thoughful, generous, and so many other wonderful things. I promise you, he'd never make a huge financial decision without consulting me either.
The other thing I noticed in your posts is "I have been planning away at my wedding" and "I told him Im not moving in with him to the house unless were married like go to city hall type of thing. Personally and culturally I just dont feel comfortable living in "his" house and having a baby before being married." I see "I" and "my" and "he" and "his" rather than "we and our." That is very telling in how you two do or do not communicate and mesh as a couple. You also mentioned that this is your second unplanned or unwanted pregnancy (you referenced a previous miscarriage) so it sounds like there is more going on here...like you were trying to force his hand toward the marriage. You said he moved from out of state when you got pregnant last time & then you miscarried.... I am truly sorry as I, too, have miscarried and it was devastating. But, if you weren't ready atthat point & didn't want to start a family yet, then something isn't right because any mature adults can successfully practice birth control and yet you got pregnant again.
I'm not sure how old you are, but it really does not seem like you are mature enough for marriage or motherhood. I'm sorry if that sounds mean or harsh as it is sincerely is not meant to, but it is what I see from the limited picture you've painted here.
I have a friend who was engaged & then got pregnant & he told her he'd leave if she didn't have an abortion. Either way, ultimatuims are NOT healthy. Regardless of whether he wants a child or does not, ultimately, the two of you need to discuss things and figure out what is best for all involved. For some, it's marriage, for others it is to separate and raise the child that way and for others it is best not to have the child.
You two need to talk sooner rather than later and make the best decision for your situation, whatever it may be.
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